Friday, Aug. 20, 2009, Alamogordo, New Mexico~

Dear Journal~

Aurora Skydancer here.  Thought I'd write to let y'all know how things are going for me.

I'm afraid things aren't any better than the last time I wrote.  Diabetes, neuropathy still giving me fits.  Now using my damn scooter exclusively; feet in very bad shape.  No longer using my crutch; damn arm band won't fit around my arm flab.  I also fell again; bruised the shit out of my hip, legs, arms, shoulder.  I look like I went into the ring with Muhammed Ali.

I am now getting $800.00 per month (SSDI); however, I may have to fight for it again; damn doctors still saying I can work when I cannot.  Besides the diabetes, weight, and neuropathy, I also have chronic heart failure AND chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD); have to use oxygen now, especially at night or if I exert myself.  I am in no condition to work; I am a very sick woman!

Beatrice Begay, my best friend, has moved in to take care of me.  I try to take care of myself, but can't wash myself very well; sometimes sweat gets trapped in my fat, and I start to stink.  I have to have a bath every day, sometimes even twice or three times, just so I can smell halfway decent.  Hard to find clothes that are big enough; I wear a 5X in clothing; anything smaller does not fit!!

Beatrice spends a lot of time on the phone, arguing with the damn medical people or the government, trying to explain my situation; they just don't give a flying fuck.  They don't fucking care; all they care about is that they get their bonus checks or not even help me.  They must want me to die just so they can get their money back and don't have to pay me anymore!

Angry?  Frustrated?  Ya think??  Wouldn't you be if you were in my situation??  How am I supposed to react?  Jump for joy??  I don't think so!!

I haven't written to Louisiana Sandusky, let alone, anybody else.  I don't want to bog them down with my problems, so I just stay low, don't even bother.  Yeah, I'm throwin' myself a pity party:  nobody will listen, and I am sick of being discarded by people like I am yesterday's garbage!!

I am so far behind on my bills it isn't funny!  I am waiting now to get approved for a loan; there's no way in hell I can pay my past-due medical bills or the cost of my meds without wanting to sell my body (and who wants to be with an ugly, crippled, fat Native American bitch??)!  It's horrible!!

I keep getting calls from the collection agencies.  Well, let them take my shit; I'm past the point of caring!  I don't care if I end up on the street or dead in the gutter somewhere; something's gotta give to end this shitty life I now have!! 

I will go now; too depressed to write anymore.  Bye!  Have a nice life; I sure haven't!  My life is nothin' but one big fuckup!!

~Aurora.  :(  >tears!<