If I don't get any relief from this madness soon, I am going to scream!!

Jayne Earhardt here.  I am at my wit's end with the children, in particular, Micheal, our son with lissencephaly.  Because of this brain malformation, he is severely handicapped:  nonverbal, unable to walk, do anything for himself but lie there, blink his eyes, make noises (his noises vary on mood; this clues us in as to how he is feeling), or poop himself.  He is tube-fed every five hours; his meds are given this way, too.  He cannot eat, for risk of choking; he cannot swallow. 

Micheal seems to be prone to any little bug that comes along.  It seems every few months he ends up in the hospital again with another raging lung, kidney, or other type of infection; then doctors and nurses have to fight like hell to try to save him.

I am trying to be a good moma to my kids; I think I'm failing miserably.  I can't seem to do enough to keep Micheal happy, and Flower and Hughie (my other two children; they're four and ten; Micheal is six) are mad at me because "I pay more attention to their brother than them".  The kids fight all of the time, and I am sick of it!!!!

I know Micheal can't help how he is, but damnit, I'd like a break every now and then!!  I haven't been out of the house excepting to take the kids to their schools or medical appointments, or to visit Micheal whenever he is hospitalized.  I haven't been out to a good restaurant in at least six months or more, and even though it's August, I still look like the dead of winter:  paler than pale!!

I know I have deep, black circles around my eyes; I must look a fright to people!  Well, raising three kids (one of whom is severely handicapped) will do that to a person.  I'd give anything to have my mom come from Arizona; however, she isn't well either, so I am, more or less, stuck, with no break in sight.

I have been thinking of having Micheal placed into a group home for severely handicapped children.  The care he needs is starting to wear thin on me, and Robert, my husband, and myself fight all the time regarding Micheal and his care.  Flower and Hughie are stressed out enough; they can't wait for school to start, just so they can get away from their brother; they say he isn't any fun because all he does is lie there like a big bump on a log.

I don't know what is going to happen, but if I don't get a break soon, I might end up killing Micheal; he's nothing but a big burden, and he's ripping our lives apart!!

~Jayne.  :(  >tears!<

*To be continued.*