Alamagordo, NM, 5:56 a.m., M.T.~

Dear Journal~

Aurora here.  I hope that you understand my situation, and also that others will eventually will accept my apologies.  Holding all this anger inside isn't doing my health any good, so I am going to let it go.  It may take time, but it will happen if I continue to work at it.

Let's face it:  I have been a regular airhead.  Because of my health problems,  I have been angry at the world, and I didn't care who I hurt in the process.  I was blaming everything on anyone but myself, and I was trying to deal with my own problems by eating the wrong things.  No wonder my health is such a wreck:  I did this to myself; now I must pay the fiddler and live with the consequences, or at least, try to help myself while I still can.

It's not easy living on less than $1,000 a month on disability; it's even harder living with my serious health issues.  I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I have to deal with stupid doctors or people who don't know what the hell they are doing to help me.

Poor Bernice, my caretaker/roomie/best friend, has taken the brunt of  my tirades.  It's a wonder she and I are even still friends.  I have been really nasty towards her.  I owe her a lot; she was the one to come to my aid, offered to take care of me, get me to and from my doctor's appointments, etc.  She could have just told me no.

I also have to write to my friends (namely Louie Sandusky in Tennessee) and apologize to them; they were only being concerned about me.  I will have to explain to them why I have been such a witch; once I make them see why, maybe they'll figure it out in the end.  I hope they do, anyway.

I have been trying to go to church; you notice I have been working on trying to clean up my guttermouth.  My mother would smack me from the grave (daddy, too) if they knew the garbage that was spewing from my dumpster of a mouth; they raised me better than that!  I have been going to a church not too far from here on the days I feel good (not many of those).  I am getting a lot out of it, and the music is so pretty!

Maybe I need to ask Jesus to forgive me for my sins and ask Him into my heart; maybe He could help me deal with this thing called life; maybe I can learn to be happy again!  It couldn't hurt; I might go down to the altar this morning when the pastor asks if anyone wants to accept Christ into their heart. 

It seems funny that I would be surrendering my heart to Christ after being so spiteful and so full of myself!  As I just said, anything's got to be better than what I am going through right now!

Maybe with Christ in my heart, maybe I can finally get the peace or joy that's eluded me for all these years, especially these past several years, when my health went bad!

Well, Bernice is going to help me get ready for church (that'll take a good year  LOL), then we'll go out for breakfast and then go to church afterwards.  And maybe we'll even go out to lunch, too; Bernice got her stimulus check.  (Didn't get mine yet.  Dang it!!  Wonder if I ever will.  It sure would help me out, especially in terms of food; I could really use some extra money!!  Food is expensive!!)

I will write in here again; please say some prayers for me; pray I don't chicken out when I go to the altar!  I want to have some joy in my life; I want Jesus in my heart!!  Thanks in advance!  Take care; talk to you soon!

~Love, your friend, Aurora Skydancer.  :)