I suppose this will be my last write as a free woman.  Y'see, TaShawn and me, we are due to be sentenced on Monday; we will probably be going to jail for a very long time to come.

I can understand why TaShawn is going; however, I don't know why I have to go too!  After all, I wasn't the one who shook Roderick and left him damaged for life; it was that no-good bastard boyfriend of mine!!  He did this to our son, NOT me!!!!

I am happy to say that Roderick is finally awake from his coma, but not without a price:  he will always be permanently and severely disabled:  unable to see, more than likely unable to walk, talk, even feed himself.  About the only thing he will be able to do is shit in his diapers or hear.

He will probably end up going to a home for severely handicapped children where skilled people (doctors and nurses most likely) will be taking care of him twenty-four hours a day while TaShawn and I rot in jail.

I know we will be going to jail:  I feel it deep in my bones, and besides, his family don't like me.  My family ain't too happy either; so I am getting it from both sides.  Maybe it was wrong for me not to see the signs that TaShawn was going to end up hurting Roderick.  It's just that he don't like babies crying; he never did.  I don't like it either, but at least I tried to do all I could to take care of my son before Roddy nearly shook his brains to jelly!

I don't even leave my house, for fear of what my neighbors think.  They know of what's been going on with us, and a lot of 'em feel I deserve to be punished like this.  After all, I made some wrong choices:  I buttered my bread, now I must lie in it.  (I think that's how the saying goes.)

The only time I've left the house is to go to the trial.  It has been an emotionally draining experience for me.  And now I am about to pay for what I've done (rather, what TaShawn has done).  I should have never hooked up with him; I figgered he was trouble from the get-go, but did I listen??  No!!  I thought he was super sexy; those washboard abs got me every time as did his smooth-talkin' style and easy demeanor.  (That changed when we got together and had a baby.  Then his true personality came out.  He was a snake in sheep's clothing.)

Do I feel guilty?  All the time; I feel like the weight of the world is about to crush me like a bug.  I think even God hates me; after all, why else would I be getting tortured like this, day in and day out?  I have a child who is now brain damaged because of my boyfriend's foul temperment, my family (as well as TaShawn's family) both hate me, and I will be spending a long time behind bars because I didn't do a g.d. thing to protect my little boy from harm!

Damnit, I'm crying again!  When are these fucking tears ever gonna stop??  I don't think I will be happy again; in fact, I don't even deserve to be happy!  My life is nothing but a black hole with no escape!!

I don't know when I will write again, but I will tell you this:  I'm scared!!  I'm so scared!!!!  What is going to happen to me now once I'm in jail????  I'm almost too scared to find out!!!!

~Jaylene Jones.  :(  *tears!*

*to be continued.*