Paisley Grace Winbottom here.  If you think I'm doing better, you're sadly mistaken.

This time of year is always the worst for me and my family.  I find I can't celebrate happy occasions like Christmas or Thanksgiving, not without my father sitting at the head of the table.  I look at where he used to sit whenever we eat supper, and I get that sinking feeling all over again in the pit of my stomach.

I am still going to counseling, but I don't see it helping any.  I'm just as miserable now as I have been, ever since my father was stolen away from me.  I still have nightmares just about every night; I haven't had a good night's sleep ever since this happened last year.

I do have friends to take away the sting a little; however, they have their dads, whereas I don't.  I get jealous of them, wish that I still had my dad here, taking care of the family.

People keep telling me to pray to God about what happened.  I tell them I no longer believe in God; I don't need Him in my life.  They tell me I'm making a big mistake.  Maybe so, but right now I'm pissed off at God because He didn't do anything to prevent my father from getting shot or dying like he did. 

If He is this God of love and kindness like He says He is, then He should be doing something to make this world a better place, and He isn't doing a damn thing!!

The next few weeks are going to be tortuous for me.  To see the twinkling Christmas lights, hear the Christmas music, see families together for the holidays is only going to remind me of what I lost, and I'm sorry, but I don't want to deal with that right now.  I need to be alone, spend time by myself, where I can think about what I lost.

This is the first Christmas (and Thanksgiving) without dad being a part of my life; it's not going to be the same ever again.  Then people wonder why I am so stressed out or angry.  Wouldn't you be if your dad was shot point blank right in front of you, and you saw it happen, and there wasn't anything you could do to help him??

As you can imagine,  I haven't set foot inside a church.  I refuse to; it only brings back memories of what I witnessed, heard; it will remain with me for the rest of my life.  As I said earlier, I don't need God because He didn't do anything to help my dad .. or me.

I have school within the hour, so I will go now.  I will write in here again another day.  Take care and talk to you soon!

~Paisley Grace Winbottom.  :(

*To be continued.*