Two Days before the hanging:
I hadn’t finished moving my shavin’ razor from my right cheek to my left, before I done killed two Chinamen out right. Daggone Chinamen more more trouble then a pack of Paddies pounding rail at four in the morning. Gotta hand it to those coolies, they sure are a working bunch of little fellas ever there been. Shame, how I hadda kill’em every now and again. Never-you mind any apologies from me, over why I am here today, mind you Doc.
I can’t say I feel bad about killin darn near everyone in Mud Flats. If ever a town needed killen Mud Flats was it. Here comes that dang blasted Hangman agin. He keeps just walking by me, grinning. Back and forth, back and forth. Dangeest thing I ever saw.
Why there’s a Hanging’ in the first place:
Now I reckon Big Boss man, you’re probably wondering why I had to kill those two fellas outright. Didn’t give me much choice in the matter, no sir they didn’t. I was dipping my straight razor into this here bucket of water the Chinaman over yonder was holding. Fella was shaking so dang blasted much, I nearly cut my own throat. Water pouring over the sides of the bucket like a bath barrel shot full of holes. Got my new boots plum soaked.
I figured I help the fella stop shaking by shooting him in the gullet. I did on both accounts. When I turned back towards my looking tin, there was another Chinaman running to beat all get out, with my looking tin. I had no choice but to killem right on the spot.
I know before you go on, it being illegal to shoot a Chinaman, but this one had my tin looking glass. By gum, that made it real legal like. Now the first one well, Big Boss man, he fell in the gray area of sorts. I’ll tell ya this much, when I let loose on the little fella with my lookin’ tin, he let out a yell, then rolled over and died right out. Don’t take much to kill a Chinaman. That’s pretty much how it happened, Big Boss man. Sorry about killin the shaky one, but the other had it comen.
“Well Pike,” Big Boss man said, eyeing me real good. He took a big yank off his plug of tobakey. Wallowed it around in his hog jaws, went to spit out a wad of juice like he does. Dang gone whole affair shot out his mouth about a pinky finger distance, fell plum on his belly. I just looked him over, knew better than to say anything; he was already fit to be tied over the two Chinamen. I just waited until he wiped himself with his sleeve and yanked off another chew.
“Well Pike, I just can’t figure it. I’ve been laying track fur the Union-Pacific since the first spike driven at Omaha. You been with me now a little over three weeks only on account I known your daddy.
Good man, sorry about the whole affair in Ogden, but, well Pike, he kinda had it coming, Preacher wife and all dang Mormons. I am sure if your daddy would have known it was his wife.”
I had to interrupe Big Boss man even though he doesn’t cotton to anyone breaking his wording none.
“Dang Blasted, Big Boss man preacher had five wives.”
“ Now Pike, I was a talkin’, all the same your daddy he was a good man. Now, Pike, in the three weeks you’ve been working fur me, you’ve managed to kill sixteen Chinamen, fur various reasons no less, some questionable like this one here. Well, Pike, some I granted legal like that one there.”
Big Boss man didn’t give me much choice again. I had to sit him straight, on account he had the Chinaman confused. I said. “It was this one here legal. And that one there, questionable, Big Boss man.”
“Well, Pike, I was a talkin’, can’t tell this on from that one no how, but whichever the case may be. Well Pike theres been a whole pickle barrel of talk about you lately. Some are of the opinion that you don’t like China-men much, granted this opinion is unanimous among the Chinamen.
“ Well, Pike, if there had only been two, maybe four, killed outright I might be inclined to think perhaps your being unfairly judged. I knew your daddy and he seemed get along just fine with the Chinaman.”
Big Boss man was heading in the wrong direction as far as I was concerned. I had to put my two cents in. I said. “I aint got nothin’ agin no Chinamen Big Boss man.”
“Well, Pike, I was a talkin’. I figured you leave me with little choice but to let you go Pike. Besides at the rate you’re going there wont be any chinamen left in the world out side of a year if I kelp you on. I can’t do that now Pike, railroad needs Chinamen. I knew your daddy and he see it my way. You got five minutes Pike to get your things together and skidaddle. I gotta turn this matter over to the Railroad, but don’t worry, these two aren’t gonna tell on ya. Been nice working with ya Pike.”
“If that don’t beat all.” I said walking away from Big Boss man. He just plum came out and gave me the boot, ain’t never been kicked off no job. I was hotter than a pepper-sprout, by gum.
Big Boss man wasn’t someone you killed very easy and I wasn’t about to killem over no Chinaman. I figured I just saddle up my horse and high tail it towards Caliornye. Didn’t rightfully know what I was gonna do fur work. Maybe bust some broncos or herd some cattle, I’d play by ear.
It was getting along late in the year when I happened upon a mining town called Silver Dog in the high Sierras. Place had seen better days but so had I, been riding going-on two weeks and my belly was plum empty.
I figured I’d head into the saloon and wash the dust out my gums and the hunger out of my belly, maybe get in a hand or two of Black Jack. I step on up to the bar, and said.
“Whiskey bar keep.”
“What’s your name fella?”
“Doggonna, a man gotta tell ya his name before he can get a whiskey?” I said I was tired and fit to be tied over getting kicked off the job, ain’t never been kicked off a job. The last thing I wanted was a parley with a bar keep.
“Nope, just trying make social mister,” he said.
“I don’t feel social mister, how about that whiskey?” I said.
That dang blasted talky talk bar keep handed me a half-cooked bottle of old number 9 and I fell into a chair, kicked my feet upon the table, and went to work on my dust and belly.
I made good of about two fingers when I noticed a dapper dressed fella giving me the eye over his playing hand. Looking at me unnoticed like but I noticed him looking and fiddling with his hand, being it’s not polite to look at a fella while he’s curing himself from a long ride, I got plum set on fire right quickly. I started to pull myself away from the table, when the dapper fella throw his hand down and got up and headed my way.
Being I was in a strange town, natural thing to do was to slide my right hand onto my hog leg, and pull back the hammer. I waited snake like to see what was on his mind. I gave the place the once over. The piano man was plucking away and everyone else was as cool as cucumbers. I just couldn’t figure this dapper fella for a troublemaker, didn’t have that look-beady eyes or knife scar running down the side of his face. Nope this fella was prim and proper. Lady like, it didn’t matter much no how I was gonna give him all the trouble and then some as soon as he got another foot closer.
He must have seen I was business like on account he stopped dead in his tracks, about four arms from me. The piano man knew something was cooking. They always do. He stopped plucking, and everyone turned my way. Now I have been in a many a saloon ruckus, so I played my hand by eyeing everyone and no one in particular. Then the dapper fella said, “You must be Pike North. Mind if I pull up a chair and join you.”
Now when a fella in a town you have never been in knows who you are, then that can’t mean anything good, but this dapper fella had my full attention, so I was obliged to say. “Well mister, you got me at an advantage, and I don’t cotton to strangers knowing me fur I know them. All things being equal, I’ll lend you an ear. Just mind your time right smartly, wouldn’t want to fill those fancy duds with holes now.”
“Dangest way of saying sit down I ever heard Pike,” he said, smiling at me all friendly like. “ Don’t mind if I call you Pike now do ya.”
I could tell this fella wasn’t lookin’ to get killed outright. You can always tell when a fella trying to get himself killed. He does and that ends that. I nodded to the fella.
“I reckon since you already know who I am no sense in changing this here horse in mid stream, I said.
“Reckon your right Pike,” he said. Then he went on into a parley of sorts. “By the way my name is Tennessee Bill. My friends call me Dr. Bill on account I used to be a barber in Tennessee that is.”
“Figures about right, Dr. Bill pleasure, to meet ya,” I said.
I extended my hand friendly like. This fella seemed fine by me, being from Tennessee explained his dudes out right and a doctor and all. I never known no back shooting Tennessee doctor, so I slid my hand off my Colt 44, tired to relax a bit. Now being in a strange town chopping away on the bit with a Tennessee doc didn’t help matters.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking how you’d come about the handle Pike?” he said.
“My daddy named me after a fish, but I wouldn’t go spreading that around now Dr. Bill,” I said.
I slid my hand back on my hog leg so he get my meaning real good. He did and that was that for the time being.
I offered Dr. Bill a pull from my Red eye. He declined. Said fella was gonna need some dental work later on, seemed he had to have his wits about him. I reckon being a doctor and all I wouldn’t force the issue. Under normal terms, I would have been taken back by a fella not tossing back a shot or two with me, but being a doctor and all I let it go.
“I knowed your Daddy, Pike,” he said, smiling at me all friendly like. Seems lately a lot of fella’s known my daddy I thought, but I let it pass. He went on. “Good man, sorry about what happen, but he had it coming.”
“Well Dr. Bill he didn’t know the Preacher was married. Dang blasted Mormons,” I said tossing back another shot, eyeing ole Dr. Bill real careful like.
“Yep I reckon Pike.” He said. “ I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s been some trouble in Mud Flats. I can’t get into it. That’s for the sheriff to go over with ya. Everyone this side of the Continental Divide been looking for ya Pike. I known your daddy. So I kinda knowed you, of sorts.
“Being there ain’t no other Pike North that got every Chinaman this side of Chinaman land fit to be tied at him, so as soon as I heard a stranger was in town that got booted off the railroad, I figured.”
“You sure have done a lot of figuring, haven’t ya Dr. Bill?” I said. I was getting mighty tired of Dr. Bill parleying with his fancy words and dudes and all, but I wasn’t fit to be tied yet.
So I said. “You figured right, but I wouldn’t be bringing up the railroad now Dr. Bill; that’s a sore spot and it ain’t gonna heal anytime soon. Let’s just stick to higher ground as far as the Chinamen; I ain’t got nothing’ to say on that subject. What kind of trouble you’d be talking about Dr. Bill?”
Old Dr. Bill figured he may have said a bit much. I could see he was nervy like in his chair. I let him squirm about, eyeing him real good.
“Like I said Pike that’s for the sheriff to feel you in on. Name’s Lawson, Frank Lawson. Ever heard of him Pike?”
“Yep, I heard of him,” I said. “And that dang blasted deputy of his. Both of them two sidewinders use to work for the railroad. Yep I heard of Lawson, Frank Lawson.”
I had to take another swallow of my red eye, calm my nerves a bit.
“Well, Pike, I gotta get on, I’ll be over at the Barber waitin’ for my docterin; fella gonna need some work done on him the way I figure it.”
I kept my eye on Dr. Bill; something just didn’t set right. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He seemed to know too much about me, and that never is a good sign, being in a strange town and all.
I tossed back another shot and tossed four bits at the Keep. No sense in playing nice, since everyone knew who I was.
Lawson, Frank Lawson it was time for me to find out what was airing and I didn’t take kindly to bad news.
I headed straight for the jailhouse, adjusted my hog leg low, butt out so I could cross draw on any man with the a mind to get himself killed outright.
I pulled my Bowie out, wiped the blade across my left chap leg, slid it back in its keep. Low on my right calve like. Comes in handy there when fighting on the ground, can stick a man clean through the gullet before he has a mind to know what happened.
I walked up on the jail porch, took a look around; there wasn’t a soul in sight. I had a bad feeling about Lawson, Frank Lawson, but ole Dr. Bill said he needed to see me about some bad news and I don’t cotton to no bad news.
I griped my hog leg, pushed in the jailhouse door with the toe of my boot, and walked in slow like. Lawson, Frank Lawson was standing by the potbelly stove with his back to me, his no account Deputy was glaring at me as I walked in snake like.
Lawson, Frank Lawson, turned on his heels, set down the his broken off handle coffee mug, and yelled to beat the devil. “Get um Kim Lee!”
Now you’re not ever quite prepared for a four foot tall Chinaman deputy doing a back flip straight up in the air and landing on his haunches dead center of a writing table a foot in front of you.
Before I could cross draw on the polecat, he kicked me dead center in my mouth, sending both my front teeth into my belly. I nearly flew right back out the door. I steadied myself and ran in for the charge.
The little polecat leaped over my head as I crashed into the writing table busting the dang blasted thing into a hundred pieces.
I went for my Bowie, figured he’d jump on me like a bronco while I was down. He did, climbing around my neck, chopping me on top of the head and the side of my neck. Like there was no tomorrow.
I got a good hold of him around the pigtail and threw the little fella smack dab into the potbelly stove. He let out a scream, did another flippin’ thingamajig, and kicked me straight in the gullet, so dang blasted hard that both my hands went numb.
I couldn’t feel my doggone fingers. The little polecat charged in on me headfirst and started ripping away on my belly with his teeth. Only thing I could do was try and hack him to death with my forearms.
I finally got him lifted up high enough so I could knee him straight in the family jewels, he rolled over, began hollering but still full of fight.
I tried like the dickens to hold him down so I could get my colt out with my forearms which is dang near impossible. I figured I could brace the barrel against his head and slip my boot off and pull the trigger with my big toe. He wasn’t having none of that. Somehow he broke lose, and did another one of those flipping things and kicked me clean out the window.
I landed straight on my back in the middle of the horse trough. My whole dang blasted mouth was pouring out blood from my missing two front teeth and my hands were still full asleep.
I tried like the wind to pull myself out of the trough. When I looked up this crazy little Chinaman was standing on the jail house porch with a double barrel shot gun leveled clean on me.
I drove under the water and tried to plaster myself to the bottom of the trough. He let loose both barrels. Water started draining out the blasted thing and I knew the next one would do me in. I stuck my bootless foot out the trough full well expecting to see my leg go flying by. But it was as quite as a horse funeral.
I stuck my head up and Kim Lee was laid out on the porch, with sheriff Lawson, Frank Lawson, standing their holding a hickory club grinning at me. I didn’t know what to make of the whole affair but I was fit to be tied.
“You can come out now, Pike,” he said
My hands began to work and I wanted to kill that little Chinaman before he woke, but the sheriff wasn’t having none of that. I charged the little polecat. I lifted up my foot. I planned on stomping him to death. Before I knowed what hit me that dang blasted Lawson, Frank Lawson, whacked me a good one across my belly. Knocked what wind I had in me clean out, to make matters worse he took my colt and Bowie.
“Now, Pike, we was only having some fun with ya,” he said.
I tossed up my two front teeth right there on the porch and wanted to kill them two polecat lawmen dead as ever. I couldn’t see the humor in this, but I was beat to pieces, so I sat down beside the sleeping Chinaman and stared at Lawson, Frank Lawson and shook my head.
“Sorry about that Pike,” he said. “But you had it comin’. Kim Lee’s been waiting to beat the tar out of you for months now. I wouldn’t be wanting to do anything about this if I were you Pike; Kim Lee is a lawman at any rate.”
“Lawman or not,” I said. “I am gonna kill him as soon as I dry off and I might kill you for good measure.”
“Now Pike, we was only funnin’ you Dr. Bill will fix your teeth fur ya,” he said handing me back my colt and Bowie. “Don’t do nothing you’ll regret.” He said, smacking that dang blasted hickory club in his hand.
I knew this was one of them double crossing plans now. That no account Dr. Bill was in on this all along. I was gonna kill him good as soon as he fixed my teeth.
“I know you Pike,” Sheriff Lawson, Frank Lawson said. “I know what you’re thinking. Dr. Bill stopped by, told us you were in town. He didn’t have nothin’ to do with Kim Lee here going plum loco on you.”
“He sure knew someone was gonna get his teeth fixed and that’s all the proof I need,” I said back wiping my mouth on my sleeve.
“Everybody in Silver Dog needs their teeth fixed Pike. But I got some bad news fur ya,” he said.
“Well out with it sheriff,” I said, picking up my two teeth off Kim Lee’s chest where they flew out to. I wiped them on Kim Lee’s shirt and put um in my upper pocket for safe keeping as I eyed that dang blasted Sheriff.
“There’s been a lynching in Mud Flats Pike,” he said, shaking his head back and forth. “Seems the town went plum loco and hanged your brother and sister and all their farm animals. Sorry Pike.”
“All their farm animals? What they gonna do that fur?” I said.
Man never quite prepared to hear no news like that. I didn’t know what to make of it. Hanging a man is one-thing-but farm animals.
“Well Pike being a Morman town I figure they figured the farm animals where guilty and needed hanging.”
“Guilty of what?. I said.
“Pike, speaking in tongues. Yep dang blasted Mormons hung the whole lot of um fur speaking in tongues,” he said shaking his head back and forth.
I was fit to be tied, first my daddy now my brother and sister and all their farm animals hung. There was only one thing left to be done, and that was to kill everyone dead as ever in Mud Flats and that’s what I was gonna do as soon as I got my teeth fixed.
Dr. Bill fixed me up real good; he shoved my two choppers back in my head. Said they would just fall out but he did the best he could do. I saddled my horse and headed fur Mud Flats. There were a whole barrel full of Mormons there, and I was gonna Kill’em all.
Mud Flats were a days ride out of Silver Dog, down in the low lands. Two big ponderosa pine hills looked down on the town. I made camp on the north side of town with a good view of the place. From my lookout I could count half a dozen houses and a general store.
Those hanging rascals lawed themselves. Hanging people and farm animals alike. If ever there was a town that needed Killin’ then Mud Flats were it.
I camped out till it come around Sunday morning. I figured these rascals would have a big social. That way I could get everyone at one time.
I just couldn’t figure on how, I couldn’t just ride in there and start blasting away without one of them getting away. I had more figuring to do.
I rode on down the hillside until I spotted me a ranch. Seems the rancher was in town socializing with everyone else, that made him fair game.
Being the cowpoke I am, drivng cattle ain’t that much of a chore. Once you get them all going in the same direction, that is.
I rounded up two-hundred-head maybe more, not sure. I had a whole dang blasted lot of them I know that much.
I started driving them towards the town. The closer I got the more I drove um hard, getting them worked up good. Being only one road into town and they had set up a long eaten table, just in the center of town.
That’s where I aimed my herd-straight on dead center of the whole pack of Mormons and their eaten social.
Now Mormons ain’t use to seeing a herd of cattle bearing down on them. They ain’t used to anything that ain’t of their own making. So for the most part they just stood there dumb-like, watching this stampeding herd barreling in on them.
It didn’t take long before two hundred cattle, being driven all out, to make good on pretty much wiping out every cotton picking thing in their way. Women and children don’t matter much to cattle.
Within a matter of seconds the whole cotton picking town was leveled. Whoever had the misfortune of not being stampeded to death, I made quick work of. Like shooting fish in a barrel, everybody running around whopping and hollering, smashing into each other; it was the dangest thing I ever saw.
The whole ruckus didn’t take no more then five minutes. Doggone Mormons didn’t know how to react to being stampeded to death and then shot outright. They had it comin, can’t just hang a man and his sister and all their farm animals and expect to go on social like.
I let a few live-those that were half trampled to death any way. Somehow word got out that it was me that wiped out Mud Flats, and they sent down the new sheriff from Silver Dog to oversee the hanging.
Seems Lawson, Frank Lawson done got himself killed outright. Stepped in front of a runaway freight wagon filled with hollering Chinamen. Fitten’ end for that sidewinder of a sheriff if ever was.
He just stood there holdin’ that dang blasted broken off handle coffee mug, that’s what I was told at any rate. Guess a man don’t know how to react to a wagon filled with screaming Chinamen barreling down on him.
I ain’t one to mince words; after all I am guilty as sin. So Dr. Bill I am thankful and all that, you havin’ a mind to come on down and sit with me a spell. Needed to parley with someone before the hanging man has his way. Dang blasted shame who’ll be dropping the floor on me. Well Dr. Bill there’s not much I can do about all that, now is there, but wait for that plum loco hangman to do his hanging. For the life of me I just wish that crazy polecat Sheriff Kim Lee puts a cork in all that dang blasted grinning and gets on with it. Can’t say I didn’t have it comin’. Dang blasted Mormons. I’ll see ya around Dr. Bill.
The End
