Nov. 28, 2009~

Dear Journal~

I am beginning to hate this time of year.  Bad enough I had to fight the crazed shoppers on "Black Friday" and hear all the pretty holiday music:  I also have the deep, dark depression that often envelops many people this time of year.

I have a perfectly good excuse:  I lost my baby girl, Nashi Danielle, back in March.  She will not be celebrating Christmas/Chaunukah with us:  she will spend it in her Heavenly home, with God, His Son, Jesus, and all the angels. 

God, how I miss her!!!!

I still think sometimes I see her sitting in the corner, in her wheelchair, smiling her face off at some joke, or hearing the sounds of her brothers playing around her; then I look over at the corner, and she's no longer there.  Or I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I hear her crying, and again, when I go to her room, she's not in her bed.

That's when the tears start.  Oh, God, those tears!!  I think I am all cried out; then I think of Nashi, and they start all over again.

Like now.  I'm weeping as I write this.  I hope I don't short out the keyboard as I type these words into the copmuter!

I feel bad for the remaining children.  I know they must miss their sister as much as I do (if not, even more so).  I know Wally and Hy do.  They talk about her as though she were still living; they have many happy memories of playing with her, helping to take care of her, loving her, even though she really couldn't love back.  They accepted her better than most people, and whenever we took her out in public, they were more than ready to defend her if people got rude or stared at her.

I know yesterday they had me in tears.  When I took them to see Santa Claus at the mall, so they could tell him their Christmas wishes, Wally told Santa he wanted only one thing:  for him to bring his sister, Nashi, back, because she was dead, and he missed her.  I heard him.  I broke down in tears, right in front of God and everybody.  It was awful!!

Then I had to witness two men, two grown men who should have known better, fighting over television sets that were on sale.  They were punching one another, yelling at each other in rapidfire Spanish, before the police burst onto the scene, handcuffed them, and hauled them out of the store.  That made me feel even worse.

Instead of remembering the true reason of the season, people have since gotten greedy; they can't do without the "must-have" items, and they will do everything in their own power (even injury or murder to others) to get this item.  It's "buy, buy, buy", and I'm getting sick of it already!

I never did get any shopping done except for four books for Hyman.  He loves the "Diary of A Wimpy Kid" series by Jeff Kinney; I got him all four books.  So he will be a happy camper come Christmas/Chaunukah morning!

Which means I have to go back and fight the crowds to get the remaining children their gifts, or they will be left out.  *Groan!*

I also wanted to get myself the Susan Boyle CD.  Fresh out.  Will have to try again next time I go back to the mall, or go elsewhere, in the hopes of finding it.

Yesterday was not a good day for me.  I am so glad it's over!!

I am not taking the kids to the Christmas tree lighting this year.  Let Tovah take them instead.  I am just not in the mood.  I am feeling rather grinchy at this time; now is not the time to play "O, Holy Night" around me or talk about what plans people have for the Christmas holiday.  I don't want to hear it!!

This is when I would tell people to take their Christmas trees and stuff 'em up their ass.  Sideways.  (That's with all the lights, ornaments, and needles on the tree.) 

In the meantime, I am going to stay home and feel sorry for myself.

Well, damnit, I'm crying again, so I'd best go before I short out my laptop.  I will write in here again; don't know when, but I will.  I will be glad when Christmas/Chaunukah is overwith; I don't think I can stand it much longer, and the holiday season has only gotten started!!  Take care!

~Love, your friend in California, Terri Ruth.  :(  *tears!*