I keep saying I'm happiest being here with grandma instead of my own family, but with Christmas coming up, I'm beginning to wonder if I have made a grave mistake.

I miss mom and pop; I even miss Tybee, my brother. Even with all that I say about him or think about him, I still miss him down deep inside.  I know it sounds strange, but it's true .  I miss seeing his shit-eating grin and hearing him laugh in his special way.  He wasn't a bad kid; it's just that he was involved in a near-drowning that turned his brain to jello, and now he's damaged.

I still say it was my fault it happened.  Guess it's going to take me a very long time to convince me otherwise.  If I would have only locked the gate of the pool, maybe he would have been okay, like he used to be before the near-drowning last year.

If there's anything I want for Christmas, it's for Tybee to jump out of that stupid wheelchair, put his arms around me, and tell me that he loves me.  It's an impossibility, but hell, I can dream, can't I??  After all, Tybee is my brother, and I love him!  I really do!

Grandma has been trying her level-headed best to make me think of other things besides Tybee; however, I can't help it.  He loved Christmas:  he loved the time off from school (what kid wouldn't??), looking at the Christmas lights, and sledding down ol' McDougal's hill up the road from where we lived.

Now I doubt he even knows Christmas is coming; his mind is so fucked up.  Yet I know that somehow, deep in his messed-up mind, he must enjoy the twinkling lights and pretty music, and seeing the pretty Christmas tree that's probably sitting in the middle of our livingroom.

I know this much:  Christmas for our family this year is going to be sad because Tybee isn't like he used to be, and I wonder if my parents still blame me for the way he is. 

Somehow, I wouldn't put it past them.

Well, I gotta go.  Am at school; if Mr. Fjellsenn, my English Lit teacher, catches me writing instead of doing my work, he might put me in detention, and I don't want that.  I will write in here again soon; please say a prayer for me and my family, especially my brother; pray that somehow his mind comes back to where he can tell me that he loves me!  I would greatly appreciate it; thinking about it all the time is tearing me apart!

~Dougie.  :(

*To be continued.*