What can I say; we are two of a kind. If we can’t invent it and get in trouble with it, it doesn’t exist. If one of us doesn’t think of it first the other one will. We have been running the place for years; in fact we would be in control of everything if it wasn’t for his sister the Gargoyle. She was putting a serious crimp in our style, along with her goody two shoes doll friend, Ken. Whose girl friend, Barbie has been communicating with Max and me about rubbing him out. She has put a contract on him ever since she found him with the low life Raggedy Ann, but that is another story. Anyway the Gargoyle could be dealt with, but probable not today.

                Being out in the boondocks we didn’t have access to all the cool stuff the other kids had in the big city. Our big city which was about 30 miles away was a huge 2000 people. It was a metropolis with stores, and cafes and even, dare I say it, an A&W. Heaven on earth, it had A&W root beer the real stuff. In our day it came in a BIG glass mug, not paper, real glass mugs, hum hum good, and you could get a jug to take home and it came in a gallon glass jug, plastic hadn’t been invented yet. 

                Speaking of inventions we had to invent our own entertainment in the sticks, which I am sure you are familiar with if you have been keeping up with Max and me. You have heard me speak of frozen farts, but have you ever heard of canned farts? No really…

                We got to thinking why waste a good fart if there was only the two of us around or nobody around. So we decided to get some mason jars and capture some farts. Harder than it sounds, believe me.  Having the jars around when the big event happened was the hardest part.  Not as easy as it sounded, but we got it figured out finally. The main thing was when you felt one on the way to get to the outhouse, or where ever we had a jar stored, and get the lid off a jar and get it captured while it was still fresh.  We put jars in all the places we hung out so we would be ready to capture one. It took awhile to get the hang of it but we became masters of it. 

                Was kind of hard to explain to mom why all the jars were in the outhouse, but I tried my best and she just shook her head and walked away. The result of our efforts was that we had jars of farts all over the place.  The army and police had nothing on us we had  canned farts, which was a whole lot more deadly than that weenie tear gas they used. Had to be careful around them because sometimes accidents happen. 

I was out in the garage cleaning and making room for when we went hunting. While cleaning I found an empty jar sitting on the shelf. I thought that was strange as we had used them all for canning farts. So I picked it up and thinking it would make a good fart jar I started to twist the lid off. As soon as I cracked the lid I knew I had made a serious mistake. I turned around to run for the door got about 3 steps when the fumes over took me and I was down and out. I woke up a little later, looked around and there was my mom with her arms crossed looking down at me tapping a toe on the floor. She was looking at the glass on the floor grabbed a broom and told me to get it cleaned up. She couldn’t smell anything because it had wafted away.   Jared farts don’t last long once set free. She wasn’t even concerned about me lying on the floor sleeping. She was more concerned about getting it cleaned up. 

I got it cleaned up and figured if it worked so well on me it would be time for a field test. I grabbed a jar and headed to Max’s house.   When I got there I found him and his brothers sitting around the bunk house reading and napping.   I snuck up to the door, loosen the lid on the jar a little and the eased the door open quietly and took the lid off and rolled the jar in the door slamming it shut and holding it shut. There was a lot of noise inside and people were banging on the door trying to get it open. I waited a minute and when the noise died down I opened it and looked inside. I am not too smart some days, big mistake. There was just enough of the fumes left looking for a way out that when I opened the door, took one whiff and down I went. Second time in one day, I really need to get smart.

We all woke up about the same time. I looked around trying to remember where I was at and what happened. I remembered just as Max and his brothers looked down at me, I figured I was dead meat but for some reason they just picked me up and asked if I knew what had happened. I couldn’t believe my good fortune the gas had some added side effects we hadn’t anticipated. I guess being in a closed room it intensive the strength of the stuff. They had inhaled so much that when they came too they couldn’t remember too much.  

Even in my mentally impaired state I could appreciate the effects of this stuff.  I would have to remember that, you never know when this stuff will come in handy again.

When I got back home I opened the door and found my mom lying on the floor, an open jar with nothing in it next to her. Huh oh. Looks like she accidently found and opened a fart jar. I quietly picked up the jar and put the lid back on and was leaving when she woke up. Please let it have the same effects as before. 

“What happened?” she asked. Whew, “Nothing” I replied, “I thought you were cleaning under the refrigerator. Don’t you remember? You must be getting old and coming down with old timers’ disease. You better get that checked out.” 

 

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