Dear God~

I sit here in the livingroom, trying to make sense of what has happened.  I don't know what to do; I'm so scared!

Yesterday, Evan had yet another meltdown, this time in church.  I know people were staring at me, wondering what kind of mother I am, to let her child run amok in church, interrupting the service.  It was so embarrassing!

I know Evan can't help it; you made him the way he is for a reason; still, it doesn't get any easier.  When the doctor told me three years ago that my dear, precious little boy had autism, I felt my whole world crashing:  they might as well have told me that he was blind, deaf, and mentally retarded; it would have probably been easier to bear!

I have tried to be a good mamma to Evan, but how do you communicate to a child who would rather talk to lint balls on the carpet or to his toy dinosaur than his very own mother?  How do I get him to pay attention to me when I am trying to communicate with him?  How do I get him to pay attention?  How do I let him know that I love him and I only want what's best for him??

Evan is now three and a half, but from the way he acts, you wonder sometimes.  He isn't toilet-trained yet, and it doesn't look like he ever will be anytime soon.  He says maybe a dozen words, and he eats only certain things; if you try to feed him anything new, he either spits it out or vomits it all over himself at will.  You know what he's going through, but Lord, it is soo hard sometimes to deal with his "idiosyncrasies"!!

You also know what I am going through; yet it's hard when Dean and I fight (mostly about Evan) or when he has another "bad day", like he did yesterday at church.  He seems to have been having a lot of those lately, and it's getting harder and harder to deal with!!

It's getting so bad Dean is thinking of going away somewhere (his words); I don't think he can deal with Evan's behavior issues much longer.  I don't want to lose my husband; I don't want to be a single parent to a child with special needs!  That would be the worst thing imaginable!!

I don't know what to do, in terms of coping.  Do I continue to try to be a good parent to Evan, or do I place him in a residential home for children with disabilities??  I want to be there for my son, but as I said above, his behavior issues are becoming increasingly difficult to handle; I'm almost at my wit's end!!

I know people say that You never give us more than we can handle, but at times I wonder about this because right now I seem to be going through a lot!!  Where are You when I need You the most???  I feel so alone at times, especially when Evan is misbehaving or being difficult!!

Well, I am crying again as I write this, so I'd best let you go.  Please don't leave me; I have enough to deal with on my own!!

~Sincerely, Gerta, Evan's mother.  :(