Sunday, March 21, 2010, Nashville, TN.~

Dear Journal~

I am sorry for not writing in so long; been busy trying to find work and coping with the fact that it will soon be seven years since that day, the day of the tornado.

The tornado that took my sight.

Every spring, I have flashbacks to that day; one minute, I could see; the next:  nothing.  Just near-blackness.

Still is that way.  I haven't seen the sun, the trees, people's faces, words, so much in seven years.  I haven't forgotten what these things look like, or the colors; if I could just have my vision back for one day, I'd be happy!  Living in the dark like this isn't something I planned or wanted!

I dread storms now more than ever.  Thank God I have my dog, "Osaka", with me; he is my protector, my way around; if I didn't have him, I'd be stuck indoors, bored to tears!

Any other time of the year I'm fine; during the spring, though, I worry about storms, and whenever they go bad, and the tornado sirens sound, I am nearly panicking!  I want to go hide; I want to get away from the bad weather, probably move to Alaska --  or, perhaps, back home to Japan!!

I am seeing a psychologist to help me deal with my fears, but it doesn't really seem to be doing any good.  Any time it storms, I am scared I will have a panic attack and/or end up in the emergency room, like the last time we had storms (a few weeks back).  I had to get a shot to calm myself down:  I couldn't breathe, and my heart was pounding, fast, fast!!

I sometimes wonder if I am going crazy; seems that I have been having my "tornado dreams" with increasing frequency.  There isn't a week that goes by where I don't wake up the neighborhood with my screaming!!  It's awful!!

Other than my dreams or my tornado fears, I am doing good, all things considering.  I continue to work, take care of myself, and go to my church each week.  I have a fairly good life; it would be so much better, though, if I were not bound by my StormFear or dreading the start of spring!!

Kaz, my boyfriend, has been very supportive of me, even despite my fears.  I know he means well, but he really doesn't understand what I went through when that tornado hit seven years ago, then finding out that I couldn't see!  That was awfully hard to take; at times it still is!

Well, I have to go:  am going to get ready and have breakfast, then take a shower, get dressed, and go to church with Kaz.  I will write in here again soon; pray that I get over these bad nightmares or the memories; I can't live like this, in fear!!  I would greatly appreciate it!  Thanks in advance!

~Love, your friend, Michiko.  :(