I'm tired today and it makes me scared. I don't know if it's normal for "old" people of 50 to feel tired the way I'm feeling today (and that's just the part of the "old age" experience I'm currently being introduced to) or if this is legitimate fatigue. My body hurts in different places now too. This must be that “rheumatism” my grandma spoke of while rubbing her hands.
Last night I was lying on my bed, watching one of my favorite movies and talking to my grandson. His round, fleshy face was filled with a grin meant just for me and I know he wanted me to talk to him. I rolled over to face him and felt that sudden implosion of pain that instantly ushers in a rush of “something’s wrong” to the rest of my body. My left shoulder was on fire and I couldn’t move my arm. I tried to sit up on that bed and found that I couldn’t move without holding my left arm with my right hand. At that point, the “nurse in me” started to speak and my mind was flooded with the “what-ifs” I hear doctors recite in the Emergency Department.
It is partially dislocated, I heard my head tell my shoulder. There was no time for a visit to the actual doctors because my grandson was still grinning at me oblivious to the injury grandma had just inflicted on herself. So, I started moving my arm around and the welcome, audible “pop” (more like a “grind” really) was heard by everyone in the room. I cheered, the others grimaced a palpable “eewwww”. Still, the shoulder was back where it belonged and I was able to lie back on the bed next to my grandson and grin.
Pain is one of those anomalies that eludes and fears me. I cannot completely comprehend its purpose in life. Initially, I thought it was a punishment sent down to Adam’s children as a result of his sin in the Garden of Eden. Now, I think it is an experience to be understood and observed.
The process of pain occurs in several different expressions, although two main manifestations are felt by humans: emotional pain and physical pain. Both can cause suffering and both can bring the greatest growth of an individual. It all depends on the manner in which we approach these two experiences. Our attitude, understanding and skill in meeting and working with or through pain brings experience and reward. Yes, I said reward. It’s difficult to envision reward from something so, difficult and hurtful but the reward is there even if we cannot recognize the reward immediately.
Nothing strengthens an individual more than facing and experiencing emotion in its raw form. This is a universal test we all will face, much like birth and death. Sounds rather dramatic, doesn’t it.? Well, observe the next time you experience pain. Step out of yourself, breathe and observe the pain, do not judge it or fight it. Embrace it (if you will) and find yourself in that raw emotion. The discovery may lead to a moment when you find yourself stronger than you imagined…even at the ripe old age of 50! (No wonder my grandson was smiling at me)
