I wonder why I ever had him.  I may be his mother, but I don't feel like I should be his mother.  I look at my son, and all I feel is disappointment or frustration.

My son is disabled.  He has cerebral palsy.  He cannot walk or talk or even feed himself (he is fed via a tube in his belly), and caring for him is a twenty-four hour job.  I have other children to take care of; seems that my disabled son takes up a goodly portion of my time.

I am so exhausted it isn't funny.  Besides dressing him, bathing him, changing his diapers, etc., I have to get his medications ready (they are given to him via his tummy tube, every four hours, around the clock) and get his formula ready; he gets fed every five hours.  He cannot chew or swallow; this is why he is fed by tube.

Micah is fourteen.  He is more like an infant: he is profoundly mentally retarded, with an IQ of a two month old; he will never get any better.  I have thought of putting him into an institution more than once; it is getting harder and harder to deal with his needs, when I already have so much to do anyway.

Besides raising my children, I work 12 hours a day as a legal secretary for a large law firm.  When I am not home, I have my mom watch Micah, Melodee, and Miguel.  My mom is more qualified in handling Micah's needs; meanwhile, I am not.  I don't have the medical background; my mom does; she is a retired nurse.

I know I should love Micah, but the truth is, I don't.  He cannot do anything for himself; all he does is lie there and wait for someone to take care of him.  He cannot talk or walk, and he cannot wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loves me.  It is extremely depressing having to deal with his problems on a daily basis. 

I secretly wish I could kill Micah:  he has already suffered more than he should in life; he deserves a far better life than the one he has been given.  I know I sound like a bad person for saying this, but what am I to do??  If I could get a break from caring for Micah, my world would be so much better, and I could devote more time to my husband and to Miguel and Melodee!

Does thinking this way make me a bad person??  I'm almost too afraid to find out what others may think of me.