June 15, 2010, nearly 7:00 in the morning~

I sit here in the waiting room of the NICU unit, where my baby boy, Connor Dallas, lies.  He came into this world just two days ago, and he's already had several crises where he stopped breathing.  He is so little; I am worried for him and his chances ...

When born, Connor weighed only 1 pound and 1 ounce, barely bigger than a can of Coke.  He is so impossibly tiny; it's a wonder he's even still here.  He is hooked up to a whole sea of tubes, wires, and monitors; one can hardly see him for all the machines surrounding his crib, plus he's so tiny in the first place.  To see him lying there, not moving, is one of the worst things a parent can ever face.

My wife, Amelia, went into premature labor; she was six and a hal months along.  She fell while getting out of the car; as she fell, she landed on her stomach, and her water broke.  Instant flash flood!  LOL  All kidding aside, I knew she was in trouble; I called for the paramedics, where they rushed her to the hospital.  An hour later, little Connor was born.  He looked like a tiny peanut with arms and legs; he was blue.  I got scared; for a minute, I thought he was dead.

Then he moved his arms and legs.  I knew he was alive ... but for how long??

He has only been here two days and already he's been stirring up the place.  He quits breathing and the monitors sound.  It's enough to wake up the dead, it's so loud, so piercing.  We then have to leave as the doctors and nurses tend to him; meanwhile, all I can do is pray and reassure Amelia that things have to be alright with our son.

June 16, 2010~

Three days old, and Connor Dallas is, remarkably, stil with us.  He must have my fighting spirit.  Why else would he still be alive?  It's enough to give both Amelia and myself some semblance of hope for our boy ...

The doctors aren't sure as to how he will be.  That is, he could have brain damage (though they really haven't said anything about that, but in a baby born this early, it could be a distinct possibility), or if he will have any lasting problems.  I pray and hope not.  I don't think I or Amelia could handle a child with special needs ...

Today has been a quieter day (so far).  Connor hasn't surprised anyone with his breathing; the respirator that helps him breathe seems to be doing its job.  And his color is better, too.  Not nearly as dusky as he was when he came into this world.  I just wish he would have waited a little longer.  Otherwise, we wouldn't be in the predicament we are facing.

So far God has heard our prayers.  He's the one who is allowing our tiny baby boy to live.  I hope He continues to let Connor live; we need him in our lives!

June 17, 2010~

I'm ready to scream.  Connor had a bad day today.  Seems every few hours his blood oxygen in his blood dipped to dangerous levels, thus, sounding the alarm.  Nurses and doctors have been busy scurrying in and out of his cubicle all day; they can't seem to get a grip on it.  I am a nervous wreck; I'm so scared that Connor is going to end up dying!  It just doesn't seem fair.  He's just a baby, and already he's facing a mountain of challenges, before he's even begun to live!

I'm waiting for that announcement from Dr. Palin that Connor has died.  I know it is possible, given the circumstances he is facing for being born so early, but I want my son to live!  He deserves a chance to survive, to grow, to make something for himself in this world of ours!  I want him to go to school!  Drive a car!  Have a girlfriend and get married or have a family!  Become the next president of the United States!  Give us grandchildren!!

Meanwhile, I sit here, scared of his future and wondering if he will even have a good life!

June 18, 2010~

Woke up today to the scream of alarms.  Thought for an instant that it was Connor, but nope .. another baby decided to crump (go downhill).  It was baby girl Rodriguez.  Nothing like the unnerving wail of alarms and monitors to get one up; boy, talk about a rude awakening!  I just hope baby girl Rodgriguez will be okay ...

Seems that the parents and I have become something of a family.  We have something in common:  a baby born too soon or a baby born with medical problems that need special attention; this is why our babies are in the NICU.  The NICU is like another world altogether; you can't possibly even imagine it unless you have been there yourself. 

June 20, 2010~

Father's Day.  And I am exactly that:  a father.  Yet I don't feel very fatherly.  My son is a week old today, and he is not out of danger yet.  He had a grade-2 brain bleed.  They don't know the extent of the damage, but he isn't responding as well as he should.  Time is of the essence; the only thing we can do now is wait .. and pray that God somehow brings him through this.

Baby Rodriguez died last night.  She left the world as she came into it:  hooked up to machines, monitors.  Cordelia Graciela had all sorts of medical problems that threatened to take her life; in the end, her liver and kidneys failed.  This was what got her.  I feel so sad for Omar and Rowena, her parents; this was their first child.

I'm scared that Connor Dallas might be next.  Then yet again, he could survive and somehow beat this latest setback.  The doctors and nurses are doing everything possible to help him survive.  And here I sit, looking at the happy fathers with their little ones and hope that Connor manages to live another day.  So far he's been here a week.  If he's lived this long already (a week), there might be more opportunities for him to survive -- hopefully without any brain damage or lasting disabilities.

*to be continued.*