I don't know if this is a good idea:  talk to a complete stranger about my problems, about what I went through seven months ago ...

I mean, I have enough problems of my own, trying to deal with the memories and the nightmares.  Just about every night, I see the Man approaching me, groping me, forcing his way on top of me ...  I haven't had a good night's sleep since the Incident, and I am beyond exhausted!

My doctor and my family (as well as my friends) all seem to think that this would be beneficial to my sanity:  seeing a counselor who works with rape victims, and talking about what happened, getting it out in the open.  It may be good for me in the long run, but truth of the matter is this:  what if someone blabs what I tell the counselor to others?  What if people call me crazy because I am seeing a mental health counselor?

Yet I can't go on living like this:  in a state of constant panic or fear.  It has crippled me:  I haven't been to work since this happened; I am sure I must have been fired by now.  I am scared to leave the house by myself; whenever I go anywhere, someone has to go with me or else I lose it.  I have panic attacks now.

I have been forced to sign up for disability because my emotions are in such disarray.  I don't know how long it will take; I've heard too many horror stories of people waiting as long as five or even ten years before they even got their disability pay, or else they died before even the first check arrived!  I don't think I can wait that long!

Until I get my disability pay (that is, IF I ever get it!), I am staying with my family.  I can't live in the house where I lived before; it's not in the best of neighborhoods and there's too many crazies who hang out there, especially at night.  It's just not safe, especially in my case, since I've already been raped once before:  what's to say it wouldn't happen again??

Well, I have an appointment with my doctor this morning at nine, so I will have to go and get ready.  Mom will drive me there.  Let's see what he says; I just hope he doens't bring up the idea of counseling again because right now, I'm just not ready!  Yet, knowing him, he probably will ...

*to be continued.*