Some days I think I am sittin' on top of the world; on others, well, it's all I can do to keep from crying ...

I have bi-polar disorder.  Basically, that means an extreme form of "mood swings" that I cannot control.  Some days, I function quite well, just like any other person, and on others ... whoo-boy!!  I feel so bad, all I want to do is stay in bed or sleep!  Or I cry uncontrollably because I thought about something sad or something rotten that's going on in my life, and I end up throwing myself a pity party.

Again!

I was diagnosed with this problem when I was 17 (I'm now in my thirties).  I thought for a while that I was going crazy because I couldn't control my emotions.  People started flappin' their lips behind my back, calling me crazy or mental, and you can only imagine how that made me feel!  Like a piece of shit, no doubt ...

I started to believe them.  I ended up in the mental hospital more than once; the last time was last year because I tried to slit my wrists.  I wanted nothing more than to die.  I didn't think life was worth living.  Then my shrink (who is a very nice guy) put me on some medications that finally calmed my depressive moods down, and now, as long as I take the meds every day, I can function, just like any other person.

I cannot work (stress doesn't sit well with me); I get a disability (SSDI) check every month.  That's fine, but sometimes I think I am a burden to society, and I would love to work, but the truth is, I can't.  If I stress out really bad, I pull out my hair, bite my lips until they bleed, and physically try to harm myself.  It's really bad.

People sometimes see the self-inflicted bruses on my arms, neck, or face.  I get embarrassed because I know I did this to myself, and I feel like I'm living a double life when I don't tell people the real cause of my injuries.  I would rather wear long sleeves, even in the summer.  I feel I don't have to tell them everything, so I try to keep mum about the whole thing.

Or they see the bald patches on my hair from where I snatched my hair and yanked it out in big clumps.  Somehow this makes me feel better; why, I don't know, but it does.  It's all part of this bi-polar crap that I have to live with every day of my life.

Today is a fairly good day.  Just as long as something doesn't come up to tip the scale and put me over the edge.  Last week, I got a ticket for speeding and now I have to cough up $200 to pay it or else I could go to jail.  There goes a pretty lump sum out of my next SSDI check! Then I am going to have to live on $1,000 and pay my bills; if I have $100 left after that, I'll be doing good.  My fault for speeding; I was late for a doctor's appointment.  He wanted to do a blood test to see how the meds were working.

I don't believe in God so much, but I have been praying like thunder to ask Him to get me outta this jam!

Well, I gotta go, the phone is ringing.  I will write in here again one day; until later, this is S signing off!

*author didn't want to use her real name for this journal piece.