“Ahem.” The bridegroom from Cana, Michael, cleared his throat awkwardly to announce his presence as he entered the tent where his new bride awaited him. Michael had just been entrusted with the secrets of a happy marriage from the friends of his father in the Cana Cigar Club and he earnestly desired to put that advice into practice from the very beginning of his married life.

Recently discovered texts, among them the Gospel of the Dozen, have shed light upon the Jewish marriage customs in the early 1^st century in Palestine and scholars have pieced together what appears to have been a custom known as ‘Words Count’. This custom welcomed newlywed bridegrooms into the ranks of married men and into cigar clubs. Each member of the group or club provided his best marital advice in the fewest words possible. 

By the way, in some quarters this text has been taken as decisive proof that Jesus was a married man. (The fact that Jesus frequently went off alone and prayed at length might be even better proof that he was a married man.) How else, they ask, could he have gained entry to the cigar club, a venue in which most men were married. Others take pains to point out that not all members of cigar clubs were married men and that, in and of itself, is not proof that Jesus was married. These comments, however, miss the important point that he smoked cigars.

Jesus, Brick and Mortar, and some of the future disciples gathered themselves to smoke and welcome the new man into their number. After congratulating the young bridegroom and complimenting him on the beauty of his bride, spiritual and otherwise, the men settled themselves down and lit up. 

(Translator’s note: Research shows that the Messiah usually chose a Churchill in a Maduro wrapper, but the Para-Apostles were wont to change up their choice of smokes. Frequently the men also enjoyed a certain ritual entitled ‘Scotch’ of which much is known to modern-day scholars and laymen.)

“Well, let’s get started,” cried Peter, “First of all, Samuel, as the Father of the Bridegroom must provide the prize of a fine cigar for the contest winner at the next meeting of the Cigar Club. As we are sitting in my sumptuously appointed tent, I proclaim myself to be judge and jury, all judgments are final, and remember gentlemen, Words Count!”

Ever the impatient adventurer, John, who had even lit up first, held up four fingers to gain everyone’s attention and said, “I’d like to go first, to set a an impossibly high standard for my comrades with their wagging tongues, and my four words of marital advice are these: ‘This too, shall pass!’” Dry laughter followed this dry comment so typical of this dried-up wit. Samuel couldn’t refrain from this comment: “Our friend John has become an optimist in his old age! He’s lived too long to be a pessimist!” This remark provoked an outburst of mirth.

Bartholomew held up three fingers and waited for silence before he said, “Guard your tongue.”

Oohs and aahs of wonderment greeted this sage advice from so august a companion.

“When I guard my tongue, I find it best to keep it in my mouth!” quipped John.

Laughter again broke out among the men.

“That will be very hard to beat,” said judge and jury Samuel, “The words of a prophet to profit us all!” 

And Jesus added this comment, “Three simple words to guide a man for a lifetime. A simple commandment, but rarely kept.” He kept that thought in the back of his mind for future reference.

Simon Zealot grinned in self-satisfied manner and held up two fingers to draw everyone’s attention. Eager to pronounce his words, he could barely wait until the men were silent before he ejaculated, “Frequency. Vigor.”   With his words he gave the young man a matching nudge and wink. 

Knowing looks and laughter rocked the tent.

And Samuel protested, “Foul! This contest’s object is marital advice, not bowel movements.” Again laughter filled the tent.

But the Carpenter had yet to take his turn and he was becoming known more for his teaching than for his carpentry, more of which later. (No doubt he got plenty of his best material from his Cigar Club friends.) And so it was with some trepidation that our short-winded gents looked to the Carpenter to see if he might come up with a one-word zinger.

To their dismay, the Carpenter Jesus held up just one finger and when everyone’s attention was riveted and straining to hear, he said in a whisper, “Listen…” And he paused for so long and so confidently that some thought that ‘listen’ was his one word of advice, but after the long, long pause he continued loudly, “to all of these men except for John. His advice may hold good on most occasions, but not today, which even he will admit. But especially pay heed to our brother Bartholomew. Guard your words well for verily they do come out of the heart and go into the heart. And three cheers for frequency and vigor! Sorry, far too many words from me.”

And our comrade, judge and jury Peter, proclaimed Simon Zealot, with his two words ‘frequency’ and ‘vigor’, to be the winner of the contest and the fine cigar.

Now the young man Michael, of high intellect and true heart, or true heart and high intellect, treasured the pearls of wisdom that he was given by the men of the Cigar Club. He understood that life can be short, that ‘this, too, shall pass’; it reminded him to always ‘listen’ to his bride, and in speaking to her to ‘guard his tongue’ to ensure the ‘frequency’ and the ‘vigor’ in their love, and he vowed to himself to always remember that Words Count.