I wish I could make things just a little bit easier for my son, Asher Cole, who is multi-handicapped ... it would make things easier for me, too.

My son was born with brain damage.  Visual and auditory impairments.  He is nonverbal.  He cannot walk or talk, let alone, feed or dress himself.  He requires a lot of care.  I am oftentimes the one left to take care of him.  My husband, Adam, works as a high-powered lawyer, and when he has a high-profile case, he is often gone for several days until the case is solved or wraps up.

In addition to Asher, we have three other children (all older).  Our other children are busy with sports, after-school activities, and other nuances of childhood.  Yet it is Asher Cole, aged four, who seems to take up most of my time.

Sometimes, I don't feel like I have enough hours in a day.

In addition to all his other problems, Asher has been diagnosed with autism.  He requires occupational, tactile, and physical therapy.  Right now, he is functioning at the level of a six-month-old infant; there is doubt as to whether he will progress beyond this point.  We have to do everything for him.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my son, I want to physically harm him, or at least, put a pillow over his face and suffocate him, so he won't have to suffer anymore; he's already suffered enough in his short four-year lifetime ...

One of the things I have been doing is working with him getting used to different textures.  He doesn't like the feel of grass on his face, and he doesn't like hot or cold water running on his hand.  Whenever I try to work with him, so as to get him used to the sensations, he starts howling and screaming loudly, and my arms and face are covered with bite marks or bruises from when he's attacked me.  It's really bad!

I feel like I am torturing Asher, but I have to do it, at the insistence of the physical therapist..  Maybe I am going to have to face facts that Asher might never get any better, but as a mother, I always have a sense of hope.  I always hope for some hidden miracle that will bring my baby boy out of his shell, or at least, into normalcy, when his life is anything but normal!

I don't know why Asher was born so disabled, but he was, so I have to face facts and try to deal with it as best as I can.  It's hard to deal with a lot of the time, because I'm often the main caregiver to Asher, and his sister and brothers often don't understand why he is the way he is.  I feel as though I have failed them, especially Asher, our youngest (and perhaps, most neediest) child!

To be continued.