I rode with the windows down, for two reasons: first, the air conditioner doesn't work in my truck and secondly, I love how Georgia smells. The mixture of honeysuckle, Magnolia and humidity cause my mind to think of long romantic nights with my husband. It is a scent that causes my skin to tingle and my foot to give the truck a little more gas.
I hear the soft tingle of the blue tooth and I quickly press to talk. "Hey Suga Meat" I smile. The sound of his voice reminds me that God has again in his infinite wisdom, been faithful. "Hey, babyman" I say softly, not bothering to hide the giggle in my voice. This person, this man who has the God given task of charge over me, makes me giggle and feel all giddy most of the time.
"Are you almost home, Suga Meat?" I take a deep breath and through smiling lips I mutter a yes that causes him to giggle and say okay. "Love you, he says softly into the phone. "Love you" I reply and we disconnect. We choose to not say anything that sounds like goodbye, because it disconnects us, one from the other.
The thought of the sound of his voice in my head makes the rest of the drive feel like forever. The sight of the house, makes me smile. He is standing in the garage, waiting for me. He greets me with a smile and a wave. I am met with a hug, as I get out of the car.
He makes loving fun, as the song goes. He entered my life, three years and six months after the divorce. He makes me glad that I kept myself from the lusts of my flesh, though I did complain each and everyday after the prior man left. I couldn't reconcile my flesh and what I know and believe about God. There were times I lied about kisses stolen in the night or long slow dances in dark rooms, just to hear myself think that someone - anyone - desired me.
Divorce kills. I lost most of me in the 20 years we were together, but divorce sought to kill the last little sliver that used to be me.
This relationship, this beautiful thing I call a marriage is showing me that I have never, ever truly loved before. It is showing me that God, at his very basic foundational truth, is Love. So I can say that I have never, ever, truly God before.
I suppose, that what I called love back then, was merely, lust, masquerading as a deep spiritual connection. A song played in the wrong key, with the wrong timing and the wrong cadence in the background.
I write this to explore this new thing, we are doing, my husband and I. I am writing to forgive the last man for the lies he told. I am writing because it's what I do and who I am. I am writing to give God the glory for who I am now. I am writing to point the way out for you.