Suddenly, I am questioning myself.  Do I really hate God as much as I say I do??

While I still don't really believe in Him, I am finding myself asking God to help me.  I am in a really desperate situation right now, and it appears that only He can help.  There seems to be no other way.

My wife, Carole, is in the hospital.  She went in last week; she's in a really bad way.  Seems all I've done for the past week is run back and forth to and from the hospital, just so I can see my wife.  My wife has a very severe bacterial infection; doctors have told me she has something called "flesh-eating disease", and right now, things are still looking really bad.

I don't want to lose Carole.  I love her too much.  To lose her would be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a man.  Suddenly, I am looking to the least likely source for help: God.

Even after all the ranting and raving at Him, and saying how much I hate God, He has always been there for me.  I guess I was wrong in hating Him; just because I was having serious problems, I blamed everything on God instead of looking at my own damn self.  Maybe I am the real reason why I am so miserable; it's nobody else's doing but my own.

I am happy to report that I finally landed a job; am working six days a week (started back in August).  I am tired, bone-tired, but it feels good to be able to bring a paycheck home.  I am able to take care of the bills and have a roof overhead and food in our stomachs; we aren't livin' on the streets like a pair of homeless bums!

I have been too busy to get mad at God.  Don't have the time.  

And then, BOOM!  Now this.  Carole lies in Intensive Care, fighting off this terrible sickness, and it's a day to day thing.  The boss at my job was kind enough to give me some medical leave time, so I can be with Carole during this time, during the worst of her illness.  I told him as soon as she starts doing better, I will be back to work, but not until then; boss was nice to say, "Take all the time you need".  Glad he's so understanding; most bosses aren't.

If God can make my wife better, I promise I will start praying and telling Him that I love Him.  I don't hate Him like I thought I did: I was just angry because everything seemed to be going against me, and I had to blame someone, so I blamed God.  Pretty dumb, I know ...

What makes the situation even worse is that it's Christmas in only a few weeks; yet I am feeling anything but joy as I think about my poor sick wife.  I have seen her just about every day, and they have her knocked out cold, so she doesn't have a clue what is going on around her or what is happening to her.  Maybe that's a good thing.  She's only been in the hospital for a week, and she's already had ten surgeries, to take off the dead skin off her; her condition is still very critical.  It's a terrible time for the two of us.

Maybe God did this as a way to punish me for being such an ass.  I guess I would deserve it if Carole were to die, but the thing is this.  i don't want to lose her.  Even with how i'd treated her in the past, I still love her as much as I did on the day I married her, and to lose her would be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.

To be continued.