Well, Jessie has done it.  She's picked me to sing one of the solos; I will be singing the lead in the song, "One Quiet Night", with the rest of the choir backing me up.

More reason to be scared.

I am trying like hell to overcome my fear of singing a solo (flash back to the time when I was eight years old: I tried to sing "O, Holy Night", and I got so scared I wet my pants, right there on the stage, in front of everybody; I then ran off in tears).  I am scared something like that will happen this go around.

I know I am probably being silly, but I can't help it.  Jessie doesn't understand the humiliation or the pain I still enudre years later as a result of this incident.  Ever since then, I have avoided singing in any choirs; I'd rather be in the background, where people wouldn't have to stare at me, especially now that I am so big.

Jessie, on the other hand, sees things differently.  She sees a potential talent in my singing; she happens to think I sing very well.  Maybe I do, but I have never felt comfortable singing a solo part, let alone, singing along with other people as part of a choir.

Jessie is a person who believes in someone's singing ability.  After all, she's probably been involved in music for a very long time.  Even though she is only in her middle forties, she has the skills of a practiced vocalist, and she knows all the mechanics tied to singing.  Jessie has sang soloes at church many times or as part of the church's worship team, so she's used to performing in front of an audience, whereas I'm not.

Our Cantata, which we have been learning for the past several months, is coming up this Sunday.  Only five more days.  We have one more practice session (on Thursday); then on Saturday is our dress rehearsal.  We will probably run through the entire Cantata several times, to make sure everything (or everyone) is in check.  That means I will have to sing by myself, and frankly, I am not really looking forward to it.

I keep thinking of my "O, Holy Night" fiasco, and it's all I can do to keep from wanting to run away as far as possible from this church, let alone, this choir! I don't deserve to sing a solo; I'm too self conscious, and I don't like people staring or gawking at me like I'm some part of a freak show!

*to be continued.*