Every day it's the same thing. The sound of gunfire, the sound of people yelling or screaming. The thud of mortar fire and even the sound of bombs detonating in the distance: it sounds like constant, rolling thunder. And at night, the sky lights up; it's as if a storm is approaching, but alas: there's no rain to go with it.
It's a terrible way to live. Each thud, each crack only reminds me that a war is going on and that there is bound to be death or destruction. So far, nothing really has come into my part of the city where I live, but what's to say that it won't?? I've already lost two brothers, ages 2 and 18, to bombs; I don't want to lose any more of my family!!
Every Friday, when we have prayer, I pray to Allah to keep us safe. So far, he's listened to me, but I am sure he must be growing tired of a scared little boy's meaningless prayers because he hasn't really done anything to stop the war. If anything, things continue to get worse for the Allied troops, particularly the Americans. More deaths, more soldiers wounded: it's a neverending scenario, and it breaks my heart because they are trying so hard to give us our freedoms.
I am ready to give up on Allah altogether. I am most frustrated with him. If Father or Mother (or Other-Mother) knew how I felt, they'd have me strung up and shot. I found a Bible the other day, and I have been reading about the Bible-God and Jesus, and I am feeling more confused than ever. Isn't Allah God?? Isn't he good enough? Or is the Bible-God (or Jesus) better?? What makes Bible-God so special? Allah, isn't he supposed to take care of us?
I want to pray to the Bible-God, but as I said, I might be killed for even considering of abandoning my Islamic (Muslim) religion. I have had stirrings in my heart, and I wonder if it's the Bible-God telling me that believing in Allah is wrong. I don't know, but as I said, I am very confused, and it is very upsetting!
I pray nobody sees this diary/journal because if it gets into the wrong hands, I could be shot, possibly even killed. So I must burn this or hide my laptop and/or keep it with me at all times. I have to be so careful about expressing my deepest, innermost thoughts.
Yet what is a boy to do?? I have so much hurt and/or pain from the war that's been a part of my life ever since I can remember, and I have to let my feelings out before it consumes me like a fire! If I write, I might keep from going insane and ending up in mental hospital!
Well, I am crying again; I don't know what I am going to do anymore. I want to be loyal to Allah, but as I said, I started hearing about Bible-God (and this Jesus), and suddenly I am wondering if believing in Allah, my god, is wrong. Just keep me in your prayers; I am so scared!!!!
~To be continued.~
