I have been depressed ever since I first laid eyes upon the face of our new baby boy, who will be two months old in a few days.  Any dreams I have had for him have vanished into the wind.

I see nothing but dispair, numerous surgeries, and frequent hospital stays for little Xio Nikolas.  How is he ever going to compete with his beautiful big sister, Anastasia, who is so pretty she could easily be a child model or an actress?

Xio was born with an extreme case of Treacher-Collins syndrome.  He was born with virtually no lower jaw, very little in the way of ears, deformed eyes, and other facial abnormalities.  His hearing has been tested: it has been discovered that he is profoundly deaf. 

In addition, Xio has to breathe with a respirator tube attached to a tube in his trachea: his mouth and nose are too messed up.  He suffers from frequent spells of "apnea", or stoppage of breathing.  For this reason he has to remain in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) until he can breathe on his own or until he stops having so many apnea spells. 

It is extremely frustrating.

We know the bills keep piling up fast; there is no way in hell we will be able to afford to pay all of his medical bills.  We might as well give up any sense of hope and/or sell everything we have, so we can pay for Xio's medical care!

Don't tell me to rely on God.  I have given up on Him ever since our boy was born.  If God loves us so much, why did He give us a deformed child when I did everything right while pregnant with Xio?  Why did we have to have a child who is so gruesome looking, a child that will probably never be accepted by mainstream society?  What did we do to deserve such a deformed child??

Right now, I hate God.  I hate Him with all my being.  I don't want to have anything to do with Him.  I am so angry and frustrated right now I feel like I want to curse everybody to hell!  If God cares for us, He would heal our boy and fix his face!!

~To be continued.~