December 2011~

Ohio Jacobs here.  Hope this finds you well.  I will be glad when this, the entire Christmas holiday season, will be overwith.  

It's not the same having Heather here in our lives.  Heather was my older sister; she died last year, on the first day of spring, March 21, 2010.  She was killed in a car wreck while out with some of her friends.  Heather loved Christmas.  Now she's gone and we're left wondering one thing: WHY.

Why Heather had to die like she did.  Why God couldn't have done something to have saved her from getting killed.  

The family is having a hard time.  We are trying to find the joy in the season, but all we feel is pain.  Sadness.  Hopelessness.  Facing unanswered questions.

I already lost my dad when I was five (he divorced Mom when I was five; caught cheating).  Then I lost my sister last year and I'm scared that Mom or my brothers Macon and Atlanta (they're six and nine) will be next.  If I were to lose any of them, I don't think I could ever live with myself, let alone, forgive myself.

This morning, Mom took me to church with her and my brothers.  They had a musical/drama (Cantata) deal called "The Gift", but I had to step out in the middle of it.  I couldn't deal with the message (hope).  Hope?? What hope??  There's no hope for me or my family.  I felt strangely empty inside; I sat in the lobby and cried.  

After the program ended, Mom found me in the lobby.  She was relieved that she found me, but I could tell that she was annoyed.  Don't blame her.  Running off like that, leaving her and my brothers alone to watch the play.  I'm sorry.  I couldn't help it.  

I had to get away.  I was feeling claustrophobic.

The choir sang beauitfully and the ones who acted out the play/drama/Cantata did well, but I felt like I had a huge rock right in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't handle it.  I was so scared I would throw up.  So I had to go into the lobby to get some fresh air or else I would have ralphed on the person directly in front of me: it was a woman wearing an expensive mink coat.  

I didn't want her getting mad at me for ruining her coat, so I left the sanctuary and hightailed it to the bathroom until my head cleared.

I don't know how the play/drama/Cantata ended, so don't even bother asking me.

I still feel empty inside.  I mean, if God loves me, then why did my dad leave us?  Why did he abuse us (and Mom) and then cheat on Mom and then abandon us when we needed him the most?  Why did He take Heather away like He did?  Why couldn't He have done something to protect her and let her survive the accident?  Why does He allow bad things to happen in the world and not even care or give a damn?  If that is love, then right now, I don't want a part of God's so-called "love"!!

During this Christmas season, everything is about hope, joy, love, and miracles.  Well, that may be true for a lot of people, but right now I am not feeling NONE of that.  NOTHING.  I feel more alone and isolated than ever!

I can't even look at the lights or the decorations without thinking about Heather and my dad and wondering if Dad even thinks about us or how he's ruined our lives!  If you ask me, I would be happiest if they didn't even HAVE a holiday like Christmas!

Well, damn it, I'm crying again!!  Is this pain ever gonna stop or go away??  I hate living like this!!!  Life has got to have more meaning than this; Christmas is nothing but another useless day in my eyes!

~To be continued.~