I don't know what I am going to do ...

My ex-husband, John, is threatening to take my children away from me once again; I swear he is trying to drive me insane ... see how far he can push until I snap or have a nervous breakdown (whichever comes first).

John says I am a terrible mother.  I'm trying the best I can, but I feel as if I have failed them.  My children make me depressed.  I can't help that I have bi-polar illness!

I swear I also have post partum depression.  Ever since I had Julieanna, it seems that it's all I can do to get out of bed and take care of my responsibilities as a mother, but nothing, not even the children, bring me much joy any more ...

John has been threatening me in taking the kids away because I left dinner on the stove and nearly burned the house down: the kitchen smelled of smoke and the stove nearly caught on fire.  The firsmen had to come out and get rid of the smoke; now there's smoke damage in the kitchen and John is really sore at me.

This isn't the first time I'd done something like this.

Another time, John had to try to argue with the Child Protective Service because one of the kids had marks on his face from when I had struck him in fit of anger (Robert had backsassed me and I slapped his face as hard as I possibly could), and still a third time one of the older children had done the dishes and didn't do a very good job: black mold was discovered in a cup that my daughter had, and the teacher reported it. 

Now I am in danger of losing my children and John is in support of that.  He says I am not fit to be a parent and that he should have never married me or had kids by me.

Some Christmas this is going to be ... I'd be much better off dead ...

~To be continued.~