I am glad to be home again, where I belong, but I don't know if I can cope with all that has happened to me ...

For starters, I am paralyzed from the waist on down, permanently.  I will never wak again ... EVER.  My spinal cord from the lower part of my back on down has been permanently damaged as a result of the fall I had last year from my horse, "Ginger".  The news has been nothing short of shocking.

My family has been having a hard time, trying to get used to "the real me".  My sisters Starshine and Sunny and brothers Teal, Hollis, and Birch all want to know if I will ever be able to "get out of that chair and walk".  That's probably the hardest factor about this whole thing: I hate seeing their disappinted faces when I tell them that I will never walk.  I hate seeing the looks of pity on Mom and Dad's faces; I know they are angry with me for riding Ginger when I should have been doing my chores.

Our house has been fixed up to where I can get around easily: stairs have been removed, rooms have been widened, and everything has been moved down to where I can get easy access.  Instead of stairs, we have ramps or elevators, which is kind of cool, but it is still rather daunting, to say the least.

 Mom and Dad are now going to have to look into purchasing a "handicap-accessible" van (complete with wheelchair lift) unless they choose to lift me in and out of our current vehicle, which could, in time, be rather detrimental to their health (particularly their backs).

I have only been home for a few days and I have been trying to keep my spirits up, but it is hard when I think of all the things that I will no longer be able to do: play sports.  Run.  Dance.  Swim.  Ski.  Skate (ice and roller).  Exercise.  Jump.  Skp.  Hop.  Do cartwheels or other gymnastic moves.  I have suddenly lost so much.  All I CAN do right now is sit in my wheelchair and feel sorry for myself.

I don't know if I even want to look at "Ginger" again.  She is the one who caused this.  I don't know what spooked her, but something obviously did; otherwise, she wouldn't have reared up on her hind legs and throw me off the way she did.  I am suddenly angry at her; I want nothing more than for her to be dead or to be taken away!  I don't want to have anything to do with my horse again!

I'd be better off dead ... life has got to be a lot better than this ....

~To be continued.~