I am trying to find out whom I really am.  I mean, am I the person my family says I am, or am I someone totally different?

I know I'm adopted (I was adopted from Korea when I was, like, two years old), but still: who am I, really??

My name is Britney Jung Thomas.  I am 13 years old.  I live in Pacific Palisides, California, with my family: my mom Carol, and my five little brothers:  Thadd (10), Ryder (8), Bryce (6), Lance (5), and Liam (almost two).  My dad passed away two years ago when I was 11; he had multiple sclerosis really bad.  I miss him so much ...

Sometimes I feel like I am two different people.  Some days I can be loving, sweet, and compassionate; on others, I am bitter, confused, and depressed.  I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am adopted or the fact that I have been wondering about my birth parents or thinking about if they ever ask about me or want to find me .... I would love to find my birth family again (see where I came from), but I'm scared that if I do, it will only rip my current family apart.  If there is anything I don't want to do, it is to cause my family unnecessary pain and heartbreak ...

Or maybe it's because I'm the oldest and I'm saddled with babysitting five extremely active little boys (okay, four; Lance really doesn't count; he's disabled; he's a half).  Lance is the easiest one to take care of: all I have to do for him is make sure he's happy and comfortable, fed, diapered, and what not (he was diagnosed with a rare disease, leukodystrophy, when he was a year; that he's lived this long has been nothing short of a miracle); it's the other boys that I have the problem with.

Thadd is moody and changes on a dime: one never knows what kind of attitude he may be sporting from one day to the next.  He has severe OCD issues and everything has to be his way or else Thadd throws a duck fit.  Bryce has autism and can be a handful sometimes especially when he starts "stimming" in public or acting all weird and strange.  

Ryder has learning disabilities and is behind his classmates; he goes to a school for kids with special needs and is oftentimes teased.  He misses a lot of school because he gets stomach aches and throws up; I wonder what school is gonna be like for him this year.  

The last two years (three, if you count kindergarten) have been disasterous for Ryder.  My heart breaks for him ....

Then there's the tiny tornado called Liam.  He is capable of producing EF-5 damage wherever he goes: the house and the pets aren't safe from his ever curious, grubby little hands.  He is loud, impetuous, and fears nothing.  He requires constant supervision (as does Ryder, Bryce, and Lance).  Thadd doesn't require as much supervision, but he does have a bad attitude and that can really wreck the mood of the family really quickly.

Anyway, I am trying to find out who I am.  I feel like I'm a sore thumb because I definitely don't resemble my family.  Mom has brown hair and blue eyes; two of the boys (Thadd and Bryce) look like her.  The other three look like Daddy did when he was alive.  Lance, Ryder, and Liam have Daddy's hazel-green eyes and auburn colored hair (though Liam's is more like peach-colored, but will probably darken when he gets older).  Meanwhile, I have long, silky-straight jet-black hair, almond-shaped brown eyes, and light golden-tan skin.  The rest of my family is olive or fair skinned.

We studied about family trees last year at school, and this is why I wonder about myself.  I would like to see who my real family was, or learn more about Korea, the land of my birth.  I would like to know if I had any brothers or sisters or if I was an only child.  I would like to know how my real parents felt about me before giving me up and why I was placed to be adopted in America.

Maybe if I had some legitimate answers to my million unanswered questions, I would feel a lot better about myself, but on the other hand, I'm almost too scared to find out the truth about my life before adoption.

~To be continued.~