A True Story from my past:

It is long, so read if you will...

Im sure mos of youn's have heard the phrase, do as i say, dont do as I do, well taking this into context, as a very young child, i set out and done exactly that to some extent of this paraphrase. 

It was not until I lost my mother I had come to realize alot of things in life, that most men dont realize until they are in there late teens or early 20's.  I was all but barley 14 at the time.

My only question was where is my dad in all this?  Well, he just was never there, not then, or before, and not even now.

So i ask my self, where is my roll model come from?

This goes with out saying, because i have not done as my dad has done or even for that matter done as he said to do.

I am the older of 7 total children, two of which are not of his loins.

But going back in time, when dad was never home was the happiest times, we all shared, and when he was home, was perhpas the scariest of times when he was.

My dad was a military man, and gone mostly out in the fields most of the time, this time era was between 1970-and 1985

He was always drunk or smelled of booze, would always snatch us up and talk and cry on our shoulders for hours on end.  This was something i never liked. 

If he were not doing this, he was always yelling and screaming at Mom, and or slapping her around and calling her a whore and what not.

My self i was determined to break this chain, my dad got it from his dad, and his dad before him.

Im not saying my dad was an abusive dad, but my dad was and to a point, a very insensitive man.  To include to us kids.

When he left for Korea in 1977 to retire, what he did next was going to be devastating to all of us he left behind.

I was 10 years old, and wrote a letter to the red cross with the help of my teacher Mrs. Calloway from Taft Elementary.

The letter was not a plea to have my dad return home, but a letter to U.S. Army and as to why my dad is not sending my mom any money to support us so we can eat and so my mom could pay the bills without them getting shut off all the time.  Then i did ask how my dad was, if he was still alive and doing ok etc.  I told them in my letter how bad things were here at home for the most part, and if it were ok for him to come long enough to get things straightened out, but if he could not i understand.  This is my best recollection of what was in that letter.

I remember the day Mrs. Calloway received a letter back, from Colonel remey, or remier, something rather.... It was addressed to Young Mr. Jackie Estep c/o Mrs. Calloway of Taft Elementary.

During recess period, Mrs. Calloway along with another teacher kept me in, and read the letter to me.  After reading of the letter, Mrs. Calloway asked me if she could hold on to it, i was hesitant but never understood the full meaning of the letter so i told her yes mam, but hold on to it, my mom want to read it.  Both her and the other teacher were crying, which at the time i did not understand as to why.

The letter mostly stated how unfortunate it was for my family to be going through such rough times at the moment, and it went on to state that matter of question would be investigated, it also stated that my dad had been notified of the hardships and has been made aware, at this point he does not wish to return to state side for reasons that might implicate his retirement.  It also stated that currently my dad had filed for divorce and the proceedings will continue upon his return.  Then went on to say the red cross has notified his company command in which whom notified the home parent base command center, and reached his office.  signed Col. remey assistant base commander 27th field artillery Ft. Sill.....

At the time i did not what all this meant,i did however understand divorce... for an odd reason i did not shed a tear, silence just over came myself. 

After school that day, i told my mom about the letter, she said she knew about it, i just gave my mom the biggest hug ever and told her i love you mom, can i go and play now?  she said be home before dark... Well i had about a dollar in my pocket, nickles and mostly pennies, seen a garage sale and bought an old 10 speed with two flat tires.  So i went to the gas station and asked the old man if he could fix the flats, he said sure thing.. He fixed both tires and told me here you go, that will be fifty cents for the repairs, well i was dumb founded because i never expected to have to pay for a flat tired getting fixed, and i told him that is not how it goes, your only suppose to pay for your food house, gas, electric and water and phone Mr. are you trying to rip me off???

Mr. who was Frank Cruiz, laughed pretty hard at that, then he said come inside, asked who my dad and mom, where i lived, and my telephone number.

So i basically told him about my dad, told him i just lived up the street 1906 Lincoln Dr and gave hi the number.  What Frank told me sank in very fast and got my heart to racing like i just been pulled over by a cop.

He told me young man, nothing in the entire is for free, you have to work for money and pay for everything you gain, or you can trade work for things, and you owe me fifty cents.  Do you have fifty cents?  I said no, i just spent the dollar i saved in nickles and pennies and just bought the bike at a yard sale.  He asked what school i was in and told him, he said ok.. Tomorrow after you get out ask your mom if it ok you come back and you can do some odd and ends for me if that ok by you, and I was extremely excited about this, shook his hand, and told him sure thing, as a promise to return, the bike stayed there over night to ensure i would return.

I returned the next day, and done all the yard work he layed out for me in exchange for fixing the flat tires, from that day forward, i returned everyday until I reached my 16th birthday and Frank passed away two years later.

Frank was my 1st roll model in life, and about life.. he knew about my dad and who he was, and to me still is.  Frank severed shoulder to shoulder in army with my dad, and honestly never a good word about him, but only told me your dad does what he can or tried too any way.  He is doing what the army is telling him to do (junior) aka my nick from Frank, which stuck with me for a good period of time, i loved being called junior from Frank, and anyone else i met ever that, i told them my name was Junior, and so it stuck.

Getting back on the story after the letter would become devastating, soon after letters started pouring in from attorneys, bill collectors and such.  Mom fell into a great deep depression, the welfare people came all the time to check up on us all, and what not, they asked how are you getting food?  At 10 i jumped in and told them, i have a job and get  food every night at Kellys, i buy a loaf of bread, mayonnaise, and bologna, i get home at 8:30, lol the look on the welfare people when i told them this.. One of the ladies said, your a proud young man and doing a fine job of feeding your family, where is this place you work?  and I proudly told them.  Back in the day, there was not much anyone could about it, but boy did Frank ever have a fit lmao..... Reckon they paid him a lil visit, and i was told what for over it.. all was good however, and frank told me about keeping my mouth shut to certain people...

Mom done everything she could to keep was left her family and children together. We were to young as kids to understand what mom was doing, but cared and loved her enough to make sure she didnt have to cry all the time.  Mom got involved with drugs, marijuana, which lead to other drugs, then she hooked up with a boyfriend whom till this day i ever see him, will gladly put bullets into him.

We went with him to California down to Corpus Christi, where matters got so very bad for everyone, it is not worth the time or efforts to even discuss.  Thats all i have to say about that.

I remember turning 11 before we left, I started smoking bugle tobacco, for what ever reason i just did.. 

There was no Frank to work for, and i remembered what frank told me, i missed frank very much, so i took my young sister Tammy along with me on a daily basis down at the beach of Corpus, and together we would scavenge trash cans for bottles and cans and the beach.  We would always find these things, and turned them into about 2-3 dollars a day, we would then go buy all the hot dogs we could from the hot dog stand, i recall telling tammy dont ever let juan know about what we were doing.  We stuff the hot dogs into our shirts or where ever we could hide them long enough to get the rest of my sisters and brother fed, even if it meant splitting a hot dog up between everyone.

When they days were cold or no action on the beach, me and my sister would just look for left overs from others.  Well it wasnt long but my Dad showed up at the beach after my mom had me and tammy go to the pay phone and call his brother johnny for money.

Food was not an issue really, Tammy and i covered that, even if it meant going to some one elses home while they werent, and taking food from cabinets or refrigerators. But we did not learn this by just doing it, Juan forced me and Tammy into houses before this to take steroes, tv's and jewellery, and anything else of value... it wasnt but after the 2nd house we done this, i said to myself, forget all this junk, what about food.. well tammy and i did not do this on a daily basis but more as needed or when we we were literally starving, meaning we did not have anything to eat for 3 or more days.  But this would become a down fall when we did, beacuse Juan always asked was there any tvs etc.. and then beat me half dead everytime and i do mean every time, because we did not look for anything other than something to eat, he went as far as throwing the food we gathered out and hosing it down or pissing all over it.

Mom got foodstamps, but everytime she got them Juan sold them all.  What i learned from Frank started falling apart in my mind, remember i was 11 years old.  What i was teaching tammy was to steal for food, i was taught to work, and then steal by my own standards.. Im not by any means proud of this in any way, but i know inside my heart, i was looking out for my sisters and brother, all the while this should have been something done by a man i called dad and who was our father.  Only to be avoided for his service in the Army....

Getting back to Dad and his showing up, after i calmed down and realized dad is finally here and all our worries are now over, and we can go back home and be happy again... at this point my view about my dad changed forever and its entirety.  I was no longer proud of my dad, and felt to ashamed around him, for everything he done was he was home, and wasnt.  And i thought to myself how can anyone be happy if dad is going to just keep leaving in he army and we have to go through what we were going through then, and have to endure as sisters and brothers against the world, and the perversions with my sisters of Mom's boyfriend.  And the half dead beatings i took on a daily basis, myself and sisters were forever changed because my dad would not hear our crys for help before we ever met Juan, but a cry for help in a letter, that was only to put us off as the matter would be investigated.....

And wouldn't you know it, my dad was there only for ME???????  Today WTF? would be appropriate...

I went with him, and he had been back for some time, said he had been looking for us... i seem to recall before leaving letting frank know where we were at all times, and frank told me he told my dad... so what is up with that? reckon his own brother had to convince him to come get his kids? I will never know, and perhaps it is best.

I told dad all that happened including the sexual acts that juans was doing with MY sisters, and i thought hahaha payback time mr juan, reckon i was fool for ever believing my dad would do something, instead we moved back to lawton, got my sisters, and moved that sob juan and mom inside the garage, what a fk head my dad was for not killing this pos..... 

my dad worked civil service, and took up a bartenders job at martins restaurant, came home drunk everynight, and when he was not working, went out t the bars to chase a skirt, i remember the night he got busted for it, mom had already passed by this time.

And the senseless beatings continue, from my dad, sure i was a boy, but i was back at work with Frank, had a morning newspaper route, mom and juan moved to texas, i remember sending mom all the money i could to help john john and herslef, i even bought my own mo-ped from the traders pawn on Sheridan road.  to help with the paper route and travels to school and franks..

I was very focused on life, being responsible, mowing yards in between franks, made alot of great friends in school, never mentioned what has happened in my life what so ever.  I was somebody, even helped dad with buying food from time with pride and great dignity, even bought my dad a watch for his birthday, not one but two... Frank all the way  baby, he was teaching me how to get something by working for it, saving money when i cant buy it until i could.... my grades in school were flawless, i was super excelling at all levels, i was 13 years old.  But with a mind of today's 30 year old.

I was great in school, and after a very hard working young man, but the day i came home on my moped, was the day i was being accused by my dad of stealing and to take it back, funny i think.. i told my dad ok only if you come with me, so he did.. the pawn man got a worry look on his face when i came in and brought my dad with me, but he only asked one question.  He said let me guess, the boy cant have the moped? my dads jaw hit the floor, he said did he pay for it? that old pawn man chuckled, and said Mr. this young man came in here once a week and paid me $25.00 a week until his last payment, then he looked at me and asked, where did you get the money from?  I told him proudly, Franks Kerr McGee#1, my paper job, and the all the yard cutting.

Pawn man said well son, you earned it but it is up to your pops weather or not you can have it, but if you were my son, id say you can have anything you want as long as you earn it by the sweat of your two hands.  My dad had egg all up in his face, and said lets go and nadda word more, not even proud of you son very proud of you, reckon my dad thought the worse of me, and thats way i felt by him, and just ashamed to be around him.

A True Story from my past:  Continued

Part Two

I left off at Traders Pawn, and jumped around a bit, so no more jumping back and forth, the next part of my story is an event that is real and true , as I can re-call the events as they transpired, this what went on in my life.

Keeping online with the events, and story line, I was barely 12 years old……

Well September was came along, and it was Mom’s birthday, and she called and I was excited to hear from mom, and so were the girls, ( my sisters).  We all wished Mom a happy birthday, and told her that dad said he was going to take us down for her birthday, to see and visit with her and John John as we called my only  and little brother, we are all nothing but extremely happy on the way there, but what takes place next is heart breaking.

We arrived at mom ‘s itty bitty trailer, and the cries of joy and happiness were just over whelming, we hadn’t seen mom in 3 or so months give or take.  But mom’s appearance changed, not for the good but for the worse, she had lost a lot of weight, and was looking very anorexic.  I told my mom if the wind blew just hang on to the side of the trailer which brought all of us into a great laughter, mom looked at me and said Jackie Richard, you’ll never change, always making some one laugh.  I grinned from ear to ear and just held my mom in my arms ever so tight, and said it’s ok though, laughing is the best medicine all the way around, and it makes people silly happy.  This is so true regardless of any one’s life or the current matter at hand.

Breaking through all the re-union that’s goes on… I noticed that Mr. Juan was nowhere around, did not ask nor did I care or give two rats cents about is where a bouts, not until my hero dad asked, and I use the phrase hero in a very sarcastic manner.  Mom said Juan took her ssi check and her food stamps, and just left, said he called her and told her he was going to get back with the woman who had his son.  She went to say it don’t matter, and told dad, please let’s not discuss it any further in front of the kids.  They have suffered enough endurance from him.  Like a pop gun I shouted for joy and said wooohooo about time mom!!!!! 

We all huddled up inside that itty bitty trailer for cake, and coke and to celebrate mom’s birthday.  To this day, is perhaps why I don’t eat cake, im not sure, but honestly think it just sets down deep inside somewhere.  Mom had managed to borrow $5.00 dollars; she spent that money on cake and a one litter of coke, and a pack of smokes.  At 12 this raised my curiosity, mom had no running water, or any electricity because well, Juan ran of with her money, and her food stamps, so I just got this inner feeling of rage, and started looking everywhere for her and john johns food, and there was only 2 packs of ramen noodles, the cake, the one litter of coke, and a spoiled jug of milk sitting inside a empty refrigerator, now folx,  know we all done this, but don’t ever ever open a refrigerator without power!! OMG the stench that came out of that thing, ran us all out of the trailer, I ran some 2-3 trailers across the way, and sat down and just broke out with tears, I just did not want to believe that mom was going through yet once again such hardships, I dried myself up, through a little dirt on my face to cover the tear tracks down my face, walked back.  The girls were enjoying the cake and coke, but I could not and refused to indulge, I thought secretly to myself, omg how you can you guys be doing this when it is all the food she has?  Mom knew me all to very well when I walked backed, had the straight face on, could not bring myself to even smile and just play it off.   Low and behold, dad pulls out a one hundred dollar bill and offered it to mom.  Mom broke down and just started crying, then Rosie started, and well chain of events transpired.

Without a single word to anyone, my little small self-went marching into mom’s trailer and started packing her stuff and john john’s.  Mom came in and asked me what in the world I was doing, and looked her in the eye, and said you are coming home with us, I don’t care if dad doesn’t like it, he can stay in the garage for all I care.  I’m glad my dad never heard that part, my ass would have been on hells fire lol.  Same time my dad pops his head in, asked what’s going on?  I boldly looked at him and said mom is coming home with us, she needs us now more than ever, please dad let her come home, please please please!!  I never begged so hard for anything in my life accept that moment, the girls got all excited and started yelling in celebration yeaaaaaaaah yeaaaahhhh!!!! Mom is coming home, mom is coming home, well the look in my dad’s eyes never said she was, more the opposite, he said well I can just give her money and help her out, in my dead set mind, THAT IS NOT AN OPTION as I yelled to my dad, which he understood very clearly, because he was “military man” things for me got a little hairy, I knew my dad wanted to beat my ass right there, but in front of mom, I had an advantage, and I looked him dead in both eyes, with fire coming from mine, and told him, if mom does not come home with us, im staying here, with her, to help her, take care of her and everything else I NEED to do to make sure MY MOM is going to be ok.  Boy did my nuts ever get so big in one day, my dad said perhaps your right, looked at mom and told her to gather her belongings she was coming home, he then said Rose your coming home for good, think you can handle it?  Mom fell out and really was crying more than I have ever seen her cry before, what I didn’t then I do know now.   She was crying tears of over joy, and at the same time tears of over shame at the same time, heck made us all cry pretty hard, to include my dad.

So we loaded mom and john john into matador, and that chapter my mom was living was forever closed in its entirety and she never looked back twice, dam was I ever happy to have all of us under the same roof again!  Dad said son, we need to have a talk, man I thought, here comes another ass whooping for screaming at him at moms old place, he said son, im proud of you for standing up in someone whom you love and cherish and believe in so much, he then apologized to me about what took place down at the traders pawn, I was like cmon this is some sorta old dad bullshit, but he extended his hand for shake, and I said love you dad, and hugged him and he hugged back.  Dam what got into him my thoughts were running faster than a rabbit being chased by the hounds through briars, I reckon all of us will never ever forget this day, one of the saddest, and happiest days all in one.

And folx, im a grown man now, but this day when I think about it, and now am writing about, still brings tears to my eyes and I mean a lot of tears, this is not easy to write either, I have taken a gozillion sit up and sit down breaks lol… but I am willing to share, if you’re willing to read.

To be continued:  and thank you for taking the time to read.