“You take elephant bus.”
“What? Elephant bus?”
I’m desperately trying to leave this godforsaken little hamlet in the middle of the Indonesian rain forest, the only place that could remotely pass for a settlement in these parts and now he’s carrying on about elephants! Two long weeks of fruitless waiting for surf in a soggy marsh nearby have drained my reserves and set my teeth on edge. My nerves are ragged, my guts have long since turned to liquid and my eyes roll around in their sockets when I shake my head. I need to get out now.
“No mate, I hate going on those phony elephant tours where they make the poor dumb animals do tricks and carry poles around and what-not. It’s degrading for the elephants as well as the tourists.”
“No, no! Elephant bus! Bus go elephant.”
“I just told you, I don’t want any elephant rides. I want to get to Sukup. Just give me a plain bus ticket as soon as possible. Any bus.”
“Yes, but next bus is elephant.”
“What? A real elephant? Have the roads washed away? What about the regular bus service?”
“Is very good bus. Brand new. At elephant.”
“I didn’t even know that there were elephants here at all! Does the bus leave from an elephant park?”
“No, sir. Very good bus. New bus. From here. Go to Sukup. At elephant.”
My nerves are jangling like loose guitar strings, I have a juddering headache and the sun is too bright after endless days in the jungle. I can’t think. I need coffee, I need a drink.
“Listen friend, is there no one else here who can help me? I do not want to go to an elephant park, or to one of those sad rehabilitation centers, or to a circus, or anything that has animals in it. I just want to get to Sukup. Please give me a ticket.”
I need to scrape the fungus from my shirt, clean the festering tick bites and dry the dampness out of my bones. No more checking my boots for scorpions before I ease my blistered feet inside. No more leeches and infernal whining mosquitoes! Anything to get me out of here now. If I make it out in one piece, I swear I’ll only go on sensible trips to established tourist attractions with paved roads and clean bed sheets.
“Why do you keep pointing at your watch? Don’t you rush me! I’m the client you know, I’m entitled to as much time as I need to get a ride! Oh bugger it, give me any ticket, with or without the elephant tour. I’ll wait in the bus while the others ogle the elephants!”
“Elephant o’clock, sir! Elephant o’clock!”
“What? Elephant o’clock? Oh, eleven o’clock! The eleven o’clock bus? Err, sorry, yes please, that would be lovely. One ticket please.”
