The Coolest Hat Ever.
Since I began writing my exploits as a child, I have received requests to post more. So, if you missed the Snake and Tarantula story, or the Dinosaur of Glass Mountain story- check them out. I have been relating stories of my youth. They took place in a little town on the midwest prairie called Enid, Oklahoma. Although I was not born there, I spent my formative years there as child, entered puberty and attended high school with classmates from elementary school there. So I will always be an Okie, although a transplant.
When you are a child, certain things come to your mind, as far as entertaining yourself. I was very much impressed with TV characters, although my television watching time was limited. There was a show on back then, starring Fess Parker called Daniel Boone. Daniel Boone was the most honest and upright fella I had ever seen and I tried not to miss an episode. One of Daniel’s trademarks was his coonskin hat. So, I took to trying to trap me a raccoon. I always found fresh prints in the mud at a nearby cow pond, where I fished, but I never saw Mr. Raccoon. So I checked out a book, from the library, and began to study various methods of trapping. I tried deadfalls, I tried snare loops…nothing worked. I knew my methods were good though because I caught my beagle dog, Jane, in one of my loop traps.
Then I found a steel paw trap. I cannot remember where I got it from, I think it was from a surplus store. I studied it and finally figured out how to set it, after almost losing some fingers. I often played at place called Gray Ridge, which I dubbed “Secret Valley” It was a large chasm out in the middle of nowhere and I spent countless hours there. But I kept it a secret, because it was after all, Secret Valley.
I placed my paw trap in a large culvert near there and baited it with a peanut butter sandwich. I was sure raccoons liked those, because someone told me they liked human food, and it was my favorite. Every day after school, I would take the 3 mile trip to that culvert and never caught anything. Well I was getting exhausted making those trips, and also I had chores to do, so I told one of my friends, Jimmy Huskey about it and Jimmy began to check the trap for me. He also found out about Secret Valley. I made him swear to give me my raccoon when we trapped it, on condition he would get the next one- it being my trap and all. I also made him swear not to reveal Secret valley to anyone.
One day Jimmy shows up at my house and boy does he stink! He is carrying a dead skunk over his shoulder with one hand and a baseball bat in his other hand. Jimmy said excitedly “We got something! We got something! I had to kill him with this here Louisville slugger…but he is dead to rights and prime for hat making!”
Now, I had just watched an episode of Daniel Boone and his side kick, Jimmy Dean, was wearing this skunk skin hat. I thought that hat was the coolest thing I ever saw. I mean it wasn’t plain like Daniel’s…it was STRIPED! I could just imagine all the girls at school commenting me on how cool I looked when I was wearing this skunk hat. I could just see all the other boys envious of my hat, and how impressed my momma would be with my trapping skills if I was wearing a skunk skin hat. I mean I HAD to make me a skunk skin hat. I’d be famous!
So, I says “Gimme that!” and went to work skinning and cleaning that skunk. At first the smell was really awful, but then it abated and I couldn’t even smell it no more. I said so to Jimmy and he said : ”Yeah, happened to me just like that too. It was smelling really bad and then it quit!” So I cleaned Mr. Skunk right there and took a board and nailed his skin out on that. Whilst cleaning him, I came across the anal glands. They were partially full and I said “Jimmy!” he turned around and I squeezed those glands dry and out came a stream, like a water pistol, hitting him with full force. He thought I was putting urine on him and told me that if I did that again- he was going to hit me in the “mouf”.( Jimmy had a problem pronouncing “th” so instead of “mouth”, it came out “mouf.”)
I must say I had thought things through pretty good for a 7th grader. When Jimmy asked me how I was going to make that hat, I showed him. I took and old football helmet and laid the skin against it, so it would form, as it dried. Now I just needed a place to get full sun. Looking around, I came to the perfect spot.
Now, I had worked me up a pretty good appetite and I had to clean all that blood off me. So into the house I went and got all cleaned up. I threw the carcass out in a field over the fence, and there was no evidence of the crime. Owing up to my word I told Jimmy he could have the next varmint we trapped and off we went to Secret Valley to set the trap again.
In the meantime, the neighborhood is in turmoil and women are all going everywhere trying to find the skunk. The police are called and are frantically searching everywhere for the skunk…under houses in the shrubs, everywhere. It is like someone stirred up an anthill, I mean there is major activity happening with several women running around with scarves over their mouths and actually crying about the awfulness of it all. ( I found this out later, after the incident)
Now, I know some of you readers are wondering why they didn’t find that skinned skunk, and I’ll get to that soon. So, Jimmy and I set the trap and play around in Secret Valley for awhile. We had this game we played where one boy would take off and hide, and the other would try to track him…kinda like hide and seek. So after an hour or so we start making our way home.
What I forgot to mention was, in order to get to Secret Valley, you had to cross a barbed wire fence and negotiate away from the cattle. There was a large bull in the herd there and he would charge you in a minute. I was terrified of him. So, we cross the barb wired fence heading back home. The fence line was full of tumble weed, and unknown to us, Mr. Badass Bull was grazing very close to the spot where we crossed. I went first, and I was holding the fence open for Jimmy, when I heard something and looking over my shoulder I spot the bull. I let go of the wire with a “twang” and it hits Jimmy full in the back making him squeal. Mr. Badass Bull lowers his head and draws his hooves and takes a snort…and I will never forget the look on his face.
Have you ever seen a horse scared? I mean they roll their eyes back and all you can see is the whites. Mr. Badass Bull had a very similar look. He took a snort and it stood his head up and his eyes rolled back and he tossed his head towards the sky like a howling wolf and blew out his breath in a very long and guttural “Mooooooooooooo! Moooo who who who!” and took off running like a striped ass hyena. He was so large his body mass made the ground tremble and he took off with his tail up, thundering across the prairie…I could hear him bellowing as he disappeared into a gorge…it was muffled like and then loud again as he came up on the other side. He ran to the other side of the pasture like a scaredy cat and took all his cows with him…I guess they figured whatever it was that terrified him must be really bad because, enmass, they followed him almost stampede style. He was keeping his distance.
Jimmy, who was taking the barbed wire out of his shirt commented something like ‘Wellll…to think we were always scared of him…what a fraidy cat…what a wuss that bull is!” I just commented “I wonder what got into him” and on we went on our journey home.
I guess at this point of the story it would be good to mention what is going on here, so I don’t lose anyone reading this. What people may not realize is that, no wonder how bad you smell, God has taken care of your olfactory sense in that it will quit stinking. That is why people are sometimes overcome by fumes like lacquer thinner- they lose the sense of smell. Jimmy Huskey had been hit with skunk musk- not once- but twice- and I had it all over my hands from cleaning Mr. Skunk. The smell had to be something horrible to run off a mean ass bull, weighing over 1000 lbs. I mean he took off like he meant it, and in retrospect- seeing as Mr. Skunk was trapped very close to his pasture- he must’ve had a previous run in with him. Whatever it was, that bull knew what that scent meant!
Skunks are nocturnal creatures, which is a fancy word for meaning they are active at night. They also carry that scent on their fur, by virtue of being a skunk. You can smell one a very far off, even if they haven’t cut loose with spray. So, I imagine we were stinking pretty good.
My mother worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken in those days and came home that afternoon, about 15 minutes after I got home from Secret Valley. My brother and sisters were all staying well away from me, and I was oblivious to the smell, although I saw the police outside and all the commotion, I just didn’t think anything about it. Jimmy’s mother and father were never home, so there wasn’t an alert from his parents. Besides, I had another episode of Daniel Boone to watch and plopped down on the floor in front of the TV set.
Momma, coming through the gate, thought someone had run over a skunk (the gate was about ½ mile from my house). Of course, the closer she got to home, the more intense the smell, since Jimmy lived right across the street, it was a double whammy- both of us boys exposed to skunk. She saw all the commotion and one of our neighbors stopped her and told her what was up. Momma raced home to take care of us…she told me later the stench was overpowering.
Coming through the front door, she found the smell even worse and made all of us line up and began sniffing. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and when she got to me…well her large blue eyes rolled similar to Mr. Badass Bull’s and she took me right away to the bathroom “Take your clothes off and get into that bathtub!” she commanded and I obeyed. Then she turned on the fan and disappeared. I drew the bathwater and was in there for quite awhile before my patience was running out and I called for her. No answer…I got out of the tub and looked down the hall…no one was there…I was totally alone. So I got my 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea submarine toy and got back in the tub. I knew she would whip me good if she came home and I wasn’t in the tub.
Finally, after an eternity, she came home with grocery sacks…about 10 of them and kept putting them in the bathroom and ordered me to drain the tub and get rid of the submarine. I, of course complied, and I have to be thankful that my mother was a southern woman. You know what was in those grocery sacks? Tomato juice…large cans of tomato juice- she must’ve bought every can they had in the commissary. So..she soaked me good in that red stuff, making me lay and soak in it. Then came the shower and soap and she sniffed me and I passed muster. Then it was off to bed, after supper, an early night. Looking back now, I think she was hiding me from the commotion going on outside. I’m sure she saw a Lynch mob.
So…to this day I do not know how Jimmy got rid of the smell. I think momma told his mother about our trick. Maybe she went over there and did the same tomato trick with him, I honestly don’t know. But I still wanted me that Skunk hat, and I didn’t tell her what happened to the pelt…I remember her waking me up…the smell must’ve been awful…and asking me about it. I am sure she had to ponder on that a little, she kept smelling me when I was in the bed…but the smell was NOT going away. Remember, skunks get that odor on their hide too.
So, she wakes me up and inquires where the pelt is. I am a little reluctant because I am still seeing me as a rock star with everybody when I show up at school with my skunk skin cap. When she threatens a whipping with a hickory switch, well that was a game changer and I fess up. I put it where it would get plenty of sunlight…on the roof of our house!
So there I am…in the dark with a flashlight and a ladder fetching my most precious treasure. I give it to her- she is wearing gloves and she puts it in a trashcan, helmet and all. I protest, I remember still pleading my case and crying crocodile tears…because you only get one chance sometimes to be cool…and I am sure this it.
So…off went my treasure…no Coolest Hat Ever…the neighborhood settled back to normal and Jimmy never trapped anything else. I got to reading about those paw traps and removed it when I learned that animals chew off their own feet to get lose. Now, everytime I see Jimmy Dean sausage- I think about the Coolest Hat Ever!.....and the football helmet I lost.
