Everyone dreads jury duty, no one denies this. However, there are certain expectations, or best-case and worst-case scenarios. My experience ended in between best and worst, but now my potential worst-case scenario is MUCH larger than before. I now have six years until I have to serve again, but the anxiety nightmares have already fired up in anticipation.
Day 1
Jury duty doesn't start until 9AM which is much later than usual for me. I stop off for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I am calm as I make my way around City Hall (did I forget to mention this is Manhattan jury duty - consider yourself up to date) toward Center Street. Then I see the line. It is 9AM, but everyone is still standing outside. It is a brisk morning with temperatures below freezing. As potential jurors approach the growing line their faces tighten. Fifteen minutes past the hour we walk through the door and are greeted with another line, this one for security. Airport security lines move faster. REPEAT: Airport security lines move faster. Still, no one said this was going to be fun. We get through these obstructions and head upstairs to the "central juror room."
Once you enter the room a boisterous woman tells you to complete your three forms and DON'T FORGET THE DATE! Also, you can borrow a pen if needed, but you must return it due to "Budget Cuts!" This gets a few laughs the first time. NO ONE LAUGHS THE 500th TIME LADY! We have to sit through an incredibly boring video that discusses something about justice and 60 minutes, but is really just a rah rah video to get you excited to serve. After the video the boisterous woman (bad cop) explains that everyone will be there for at least two days, probably five if placed on a trial. Best-case for everyone is being out by noon and this woman is CRUSHING OUR DREAMS! Then, the good cop shows up. She explains that if there are no trials, then we will be released at 12:30, oh, and by the way, FREE INTERNET! I fire up my laptop and begin working, writing, and general surfing...and then the lawyers show up.
Attorney BIG MONEY and Attorney BIG INSURANCE walk up to the counter and you can tell something is up. Their discussion is hushed and they continue to look around to see how many are seated. They request sixty jurors for questioning. I am number thirty-four. Fuck. We are led to a courtroom where they seat all of us except ten because the good cop screwed up. She sends those ten back (the equivalent of winning the lottery) and now there are fifty of us in the room. Immediately BIG MONEY and BIG INSURANCE begin arguing until finally they let us know that this particular trial will at last at least three weeks. Ever see fifty jaws drop simultaneously? I have. BIG MONEY asks if anyone has a problem with this...forty hands raise high into the air. Because they don't want to "pollute" others they (lawyers) request to speak to each person privately to plead their case. BTW you are not allowed to use any devices once you are seated in the courtroom. No texting. No Internet. No email. This is where the problem begins. Each interview takes several minutes while we all just sit there with our shaking heads in our hands. The room is hot and getting hotter. The attorney's continue to ask if we would like a break, collectively everyone screams "NO!" to keep the broken process moving forward. WHY DIDN'T THEY PRE-FILTER OUT ALL OF US WHO DON'T HAVE MONTHS TO SERVE? That is my question. My interview was me dumping all of personal problems and potential conflicts on them. BIG INSURANCE has never wrote so fast in his life. When I was done I just nodded and walked away, expecting to be excused in a matter of minutes. We break for lunch when we return the courtroom is closed. We wait in the hallway for twenty minutes. Eventually, we file in and then wait another twenty minutes while the attorneys talk to the judge. No texting. No Internet. No email. The lawyers walk straight from the judges chambers to the hallway, we wait for ANOTHER twenty minutes. When they return we wait again for what seems like days. Outside it is snowing and horribly cold. It looks like heaven compared to this courtroom. Eventually the lawyers excuse six jurors, but not me. Really, BIG INSURANCE, did you hear my story? We all have to come back tomorrow to continue the questioning process. Total of 5.5 hours wasted with NOTHING to show for my time. The guy sitting next to me looks out at the snow and states "I'm going to try and get into an accident so I don't have to come back tomorrow." This sounds drastic, but I understand. I want to jump in front of his car!
Day 2
The next morning I wake up wanting to punch someone in the face. The worry now is that regardless of the reasoning I have given, BIG INSURANCE and BIG MONEY want me on their jury. I am unable to do this so of course will have to go to the judge, plead my case, accidentally drop an F-bomb, be found in contempt and have to serve two days in jail. In jail I will be raped and never be the same. This is my current worst-case scenario as I am walking to the courthouse. Really, one of three things will happen today: 1) Excused 2) Questioned by judge, then excused 3) Found in contempt, raped in jail. No matter what, I will not serve on a trial planned to last for weeks! With coffee in hand I walk up the steps. I'm ready for this. It doesn't take long for the security line to break down my spirits and then it gets worse. Day 2 is also Day 1 for new jurors so I have to sit through the forms and video again. Not too mention, the fucking "budget cuts" joke a thousand more times.
Note to any candidate running this year for Mayor of New York City. Mention jury duty overhaul, or hell, just acknowledge there is a problem and you have my vote.
After sitting through a second orientation AND an additional hour, BIG MONEY and BIG INSURANCE show up. My name is called and I'm asked to stay seated. Another twenty minutes pass and the day 2 jurors have to go with the attorneys EXCEPT for those called. Am I out? YES! Thirty minutes later I'm headed for the door. Was it really all that bad, or was I just being dramatic? I mean, I guess I ended up getting off pretty easy. Near the door I'm walking with one of the other guys who was also let out. He is a few years older than me, conservative looking. He looks over (recognizes me as one of the fellow potential jurors that was released) and says, "I really thought I was going to end up being in contempt today!"
Nope, it really was that bad.
David S. Grant is an author of several books, rock columnist, travel writer, and NBA blogger. Follow David on Twitter: .david_s_grant
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