Where are the Real Golfers?

I love to pick on golfers, especially professional golfers.  It just seems criminal that these guys get paid for doing what the rest of us must pay to do.  It’s just a game; it’s not rocket science.  In fact, it’s as close to nothing as you can get.  Except for a few divots, the golf course looks the same before and after anyone plays a round of golf on it.  The world’s problems are not solved by playing the game.   No one is better off—except the pros that get to pocket enormous sums of dough.  They tuck away millions of dollars.   Tiger Woods has siphoned off well over one billion dollars; Arnold Palmer has a net worth of $700 million, and Jack Nicholas has around $500 million.  Why?  

Golf does require skills to play it well consistently, but even I have sunk a 90 ft. putt, made shots from bunkers, and holed out from 165 yards away.  I’ve even pounded out a few 300 yard drives in my day.  What I am saying is this:  If I can do it once in a while, your doing the same thing consistently doesn’t count for much in my book.  Hell, you don’t even have to be in shape to play golf.  Why just last week I saw an overweight professional behemoth on television playing while smoking a big cigar!  

These guys (and gals) could redeem themselves a little if they were witty or funny after a round when one of the TV announcers (typically a washed up golfer) sticks a microphone in their face and asks the dumbest questions imaginable:   “Tell me about that putt on number 18. How did you manage to make it look so easy?”  And he replies:  “Well, first I want to thank my lord and savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the strength and courage to play such an outstanding round of golf.”   Hold it, Bubba.   That’s not responsive to the question.  I might forgive you if you opened a quart of milk, took a big swig, and started singing “Amazing Grace.”  But no, you follow your Jesus comment by telling us what we already know.  And that is that you looked over a 65 ft. putt, whacked it, and got lucky and made it. 

Then you look into the camera with your baby blue eyes all watery while you say “It’s not about money; it’s all about the glory of winning.”  Now you need to ask Jesus to forgive you for lying, jerk face.  You’ve got 5 corporate logos stitched to your shirt that pays you $5 million per year, your payday for this tournament was $1.3 million, and you received 10 more exemptions for the coming year that assures you at least another $10 million.  Those are little facts that both you and the announcer forgot to mention. 

The ladies have done little to repair the damage done by the boys.  Their tour now consists mostly of fat ugly girls from China who can’t speak three words of English.  They have no sex appeal, no sports appeal, and can’t even smile, yet they pocket lots of Yankee Dollars.  How exciting is that?

There is one golfer who stands head and shoulders above all the rest.   His name is Sam Snead.   Sam was an athlete who could stand flat-footed with one foot and kick a hole in the ceiling with the other. He played the U.S. Open Golf tournament and for the US Professional Tennis Championship in the same year. He was the last professional golfer to win a major championship and got paid in chickens.   The most money he ever won from golf in one year was $55,562.  In his entire career he won 83 tournaments--more than any other golfer in history—but his total earnings for his 42-year career was just $620,126. 

Now that’s a golfer.