7/23/13

Chair to the floor:
I can’t believe how you let them walk all over you

Floor to Chair:
I can’t believe how you just let them squat and sit on your face.

Swimming pool:
Oh, oh the little kids are having a pool party; Pee-fest coming up

Play Ground swing:
I have seen more butts than a French ash tray

Cell Phone:
We make people look like they are praying

Sheets
When people get scared they pull us over them. Who’s protecting us?

One Ghost to Another
Am I animate or inanimate?

 Laser:
A thousand years of technology and they use me to entertain the cat

 
Merry-Go-Round Pony
You know things just seem to happen over and over again. Deja Vu

Kitchen
You know she goes around talking all day and there is no body here but us blenders and dishwashers. Who is she talking to?

Salad Fork and regular fork lying side by side in the utensils drawer
Salad Fork: "Don’t touch me. I am so above you."

Garbage Disposal to another Garbage Disposal
What happen to Bob?
Some body put a spoon in him. Broke three teeth.

Lit cigarette to an unlit cigarette
First they  light you on fire, then they suck the life out of you and then they step on you.
Yeah, sounds a lot like dating.

7/24/13

Dish washer:
I just wonder who she thinks she is singing to.

Chew toy
Life is just not fair-and that dog slobber is terrible

Couch
When I get enough change I am going to run away

Pillow
Why oh why does she refer to me as " Bob" before pounding on me?

Bed
Boy, oh boy, do I  have secrets I could tell you

Baby doll
Who is this Barbie again?

 
Low hanging fruit
I get ripped off all the time

  
Yellow traffic light
They see me and every time they just speed up.

7/25/13

Tuexdo
I make him look good at all these parties, and I never get the girl

One hot dog to another
Why are you upset?
I just got selected for the hot dog eating contest.

One pair of 300 shoes sitting in a woman's closet
Lonely? This is lonely.

Movie Theater
I get all cleaned up and they come to stare at me, drop popcorn everywhere and they they leave me here all white and blank.

Wine bottle being picked up by an alcoholic
He sucks my juices and then burps. Life is tough.

Cow to a fence
All day long all you do is just stand there? Chew your cud or something like I do.

Dress
The factory mis-labeled me a size 2 and she believed it and right after she eats dinner if she burps she will fire out like she was in a clown cannon at the circus. 

Dress
They always ask if "this dress makes me look fat?" Yeah, blame it on the dress. Folks, there is no such thing as a fat dress.

Web cam
Boy, we make those noses look like alligator snouts

Lower lip to upper lip
Get of my back

Candle:
Sure when the lights go out you come running to me. Ok, go ahead light my fire. Sand at the beach:
You should understand by now sand is not a permanent building material. Skip the castles this time.

Umbrella at the beach:
Did you ever think that I get hot too?

Big Screen TV: 
They all just sit there staring at me. Creepy.

Bowling Ball:
First they  put their fingers in my noses and then they throw me down an alley

Cameo looking at a framed picture:
He is just so square.

Pair of Sandals:
Puts his big toes right up there and then he walks on my face.

Aspirin Tablets:
Ok, today we tell him, no way, we have a headache.

Cell phone:
Hope he brushed his teeth today


7/26/13

One Mountain to another Mountain
All that snow makes you look like you have a mohawk haircut.
The other mountain says, yes and you look like a really tall snowcone.

Eight ball talking to rest of the balls
Everybody get behind me. I will save you.

Curtains looking at a pair of Venetian Blinds being installed
They don't look Italian to me.


The number 2 looking at the number 1
I am twice as good as you.
Number 1 says yeah but you will never be number 1.

The number zero
Its true I am a big fat zero

Baseboard in a house
My life sucks. All I am is a rat highway.

Metal zipper to a velour zipper
You look good to me, stick around

Floor to a chair
Got four legs and can't even walk

Chair to floor
Lazy, all you do is lie around

Beer to Champagne
When see your bubbles I get all  foamy

7/28/13

  
Lungs talking
What is that incessant day and night beating?
Reply: The Heart
Response: Who do I complain to? Can't get any sleep around here

Two airline passengers noticing one passenger getting off a plane.
Why is he all hunched over in the fetal position holding his nose?
Reply: Flew coach, seated in the last row near the toilet.

Nose to nose
Why oh why of all the body parts am I the only one that keeps growing during all of  life?
Reply: Well, it does explain all the nose jobs

Broach
If this dress was any tighter... one snap and she'll be talking a sharp object to the boob.

One face to another face
What happened to you?
She turned suddenly and I got cuts on my face from her hair and whip-lash too.

She was laying out at the beach and looked up to  see a line of males looking to do CPR

One Chocolate cake to another
She is walking by me pretending she doesn't see me.
Reply: Don't worry she'll be back. Quick put up the half-off sign

Moon to two lovers on lover's lane
Hey, I'm tried. You two finished?  The Sun is complaining.

One sperm to another sperm
 Race ya.

7/29/13

One Guillotine to another
Lets just tell them we are cheese slicers

Horse's Tail to another Horse's Tail
You know, nobody asked me but if I had had a choice I would not have chosen to be attached to a horse's butt swatting flies.

One checkered flag to another checkered flag.
You know the fumes have really aggravated my asthma. They ought to spend a little money and get themselves a photo beam like they do with the horses

One book to another
You know she doesn't like me. Leaves me face down on the table every night.
Me neither, I have crumbs and chocolate between and on my pages. It's sticky and itchy.

  
His head is so bald players at the pool hall regularly try to chalk him up

I'm not saying she's big up front but she made a sudden turn and hurt some people.

White picket fence to a barbed wire fence:
A little prickly aren't you? chill out.

Last dog on the dog sled team to harness mate:
I keep having these Cyclops dreams.
Yeah says the other dog and boy the smells.

Santa's Suit
Nice and ironed each Christmas and right away he soots things up climbing down chimmneys. For god's sake would it kill him to go through the front door once and a while?
 

7/31/13

One nose to another
My lord, in flu season he just picks at me and picks at me.
Drives me crazy.

Handkerchief
He just picks me up and blows into me and then puts me into the dark in his pocket, wet.

Size 44 Bra
It sure gets stuffy in here

Suntan lotion
Beach day! I am sure to get a tan

Dollar bill in a cheapskate wallet.
I have never seen the light of day

Cough medicine
I think he is just here for the alcohol

Bottle of rum
Does he have to sing ho, ho, ho, every time?

Bottle of beer on the wall
Hanging beer bottles on the wall makes no sense at all.

Regular sheets looking at satin sheets
She moves one inch and she slides right down onto the floor.

Check book
Last time he pulled me out was inside a stagecoach

One bungi cord to another
Talking huge stretchmarks here.

8/3/13

One pony tail to another
She puts me in her hair and I swear she thinks I make her look like a cute little pony. Who in their right mind wants to be situated on the buttocks of a pony? Yeah, makes her into a butt head I would think.

What is the most dangerous olympic sport?
Javelin catching

Wasp to a bee
You know with that fat body I really don't see how you can fly at all.

Jeans to riding pants
You have flair I admit, but you still look ridiculous to me.

Toothpaste outside the tube
Oh this is bad, I'll never get back in.

Bald head to Afro cut
How do you do that?

One tattoo ot another tattoo
Looks ok but having a tattoo of a man getting a tattoo as a tattoo seems a bit much to me.

One tattoo to another tattoo
She got a heart tattoo and guess what she had it placed-on her sleeve.
Tacky don't you think?

One elephant to another elephant at the circus looking a a new elephant
That elephant is the biggest elephant I have ever seen
"Right" said the second elephant. "And I am not walking behind him in the line. No way."
 

Volkwagen at the circus
Oh, this feels like a 30 clown day. Got to remember to lock my doors.

The number infinity to his young son
Ok start all over again.
 

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