Nashville, TN., 6:27 p.m., C.D.T., July 22, 2013~

Dear Journal~

Ronee' Le-Anne Stinkowitz here.  Hope this finds y'all in good health.  As for me, I'm still rather sore from my recent C-section, but I'm starting to feel better.  Have a ways to go before I can do any heavy lifting or driving, so I have to take it easy until my obstetrician says it is okay for me to do my normal activities.

I am thrilled to be home from the hospital, along with Dillon, but at the same time, my heart hurts for Dean, who remains back at the NICU, where he is getting excellent care from the doctors and nurses at Nashville Children's.  He is still doing great; breathing on his own (with some help), but he is still under 3 pounds; he may be in the NICU for a month or so before he reaches his goal weight of five pounds.

I miss my baby boy.  While I am happy Dillon is home, I miss seeing Dean.  I know Dillon misses his twin brother.  I see it in his eyes and on his face when he is awake.  It makes me cry.

I thought I would be happy to have twin boys, but I have been pretty weepy these past few days.  I wonder if this is the start of the postnatal depression my doctors were talking to me about.  I hope not; I hate being depressed!  Why would I be depressed?  I have a wonderful, loving husband who treats me like a goddess, two healthy twin boys, a good paying job, a family and parents who love me, wonderful friends, a loving and supportive church family, the love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and so much more.  I shouldn't be depressed!!

I know Michael and my family will help me through the depression, but I still hate it!!  Maybe it's because I just had surgery and am in some pretty bad pain.  I will have to break out the Dilaudid if it doesn't lessen; my stomach is really hurting me badly (the incision, that is).  I know it's not infected (just checked it and it looks good), but still .... it hurts.  That doesn't help my mood any ...

I am officially a Mommy.  Whoever thought it would be possible??  I never dreamed in my wildest dreams I would end up becoming a mommy, but I have, not to one, but two babies, twin boys!  I was hoping for a girl and a boy when I found out that I was pregnant with twins, but it wasn't to be.  It was God's doing.  I just hope and pray that I am a good mommy to my boys and am able to provide for them and to meet their every need.  I am scared of failing them or being a bad parent ... that is my biggest fear.  

What if I drop a baby?  What if the baby in question ends up injured or sick?? What do I do then?? What if I forget everything I've learned in parenting class??  What if the baby ends up becoming disabled??  Would I be able to take care of the child, especially since I have special needs myself??

I know I will be a good parent, but deep down inside, there are these voices of doubt, and then I get cold feet.  Nervous?  You don't know the half of it!!  I just want to be the best mommy I possibly can to Dean and to Dillon and be a good, dutiful wife to my husband!!

Well, Dillon is whimpering, so he must be getting ready to wake up.  Sigh .... I will write in here when I can.  I won't write in here as regularly as I used to, especially now that I am responsible for not one, but two little lives!  I hope you will understand.  Just keep me in your prayers, and know that I appreciate the prayers and well wishes that I have been given already!  Take care and God bless; this is Ronee' Stinkowitz saying so long!

~Love, your friend, Ronee' Le-Anne.  :(