See latest entries at the bottom
In reading the questions it occured to me that the answers were not funny.
Here are my suggestions.
1.Q. When coming to a railroad crossing and the red lights are flashing.
A. Count the number of freight cars and take a nap to pass the time.
2. Q. What does crossing two solid yellow lines mean?
A. It means you have been drinking too much
3. Q. If a predestrian crosses your path you should
A. Make eye contact and cackle
4. Q. What does a yield sign indicate?
A. That you have been thinking about your ex too much
5. Q. What does a "soft shoulder" sign mean?
A. That you have been thinking about your ex too much
6. Q. If you are going down a one way street the wrong way
A. Honk your horn and curse the other drivers
7. Q. You should never cross over into a bike lane
A. Bike lane? What bike lane?
8. Q. When is it ok to weave in and out of traffic?
A. On the exact day you lose your mind.
9. Q. You are being chased by a police car with red lights flashing. What
do you do?
A. Slow down and wave the officer to the side of the road.
10. Q. Driving too close to a moving car on the right is dangerous
Especially If you are a left winger
11. Q. If you see a yellow light coming to an intersection
A. You should step on it and try to make it through
12. Q. You cannot drive over age 21 and drink more that one beer
A. Drink your beer at the bar before driving.
13. Q. Driving during a heavy rain
A. Makes for great wheelies
14. Q .A yellow sign means
A. The sign lacks courage
16. Q. In order to avoid road rage before driving
Take your medications because drinking and driving is lllegal but
any other drug is fine.
17. Q .If an officer asks you to walk backwards while putting your finger
tip at the end of your nose
You should say "What?"
18. Q. When approaching a truck from the rear
It is your duty as a driver to pass it
19. Q. Most collusions happen when
When two cars kiss unexpectantly
20. Q. If you consistantly slow your car down and bring traffic to a halt
You qualify to run for Congress
21. It's not ok to make a U turn
If you are traveling in reverse and putting make-up on, both or either
22. In taking a picture at the DMV
Understand they will mess your picture up beyond belief.
23. After the DMV driving test
You must go back for the DMV driving instructor you accidently ran
over.
24. At the DMV office free hemmoroid tubes are handed out after 3
hours
25. You can skip the vision test
If you cannot see where window ten is located
26. If you have your cousin take the written test for you
You will be given a lecture in the DMV parking lot
27. If you don't pay your DMV fine
Your house will be taken from you--except for your kids, you have to
keep them.
28. Every DMV employee is equipped with a taser
If you complain about any thing whatsoever. or call anyone a bitch
29. In taking the written driving test at the DMV
Before hand, buy some hair dye because yours will be turning
white
30. Complaining about the DMV
Is considered Terrorism under the Patriot Act
31. The DMV motto is
Back off, I'm due for my break
32. When you arrive as a youngster to the DMV
Prepare to leave as an old man
33. If you mess up at the DMV
Get the bicycle out of the garage
34. DMV stands for:
Detached, Motionless. and Vituperative and that is the motorists
35. Kids at the DMV are able to drive at age 10
Provided they have a drunk parent on board
36. The announcer at the DMV says "Now Serving G 55."
Your number is G 2 million
37. They tried drive- in DMV windows in California
And had to stop, unlicenced drivers hit too many of the drive-up
windows.
38; What to say when the DMV person says "Your licence is expired,
did you drive here?
39. "No, I used my broom."
40. What to say when asked "are you licenced in another state?
"Why yes I am, I commute. I am hoping two liscenses will cut
down on my commute time.
41: When asked "Have you ever had a driver's licence?
Say" "Yes, several illegal ones."
42. You can forget getting a licence if the lap seat-belt in the car hits
you in the face.
43. Understand you will fail the driving test at the DMV if you total the
DMV test car.
44. If you drive fast to be cool for your friends you will get even cooler at
the morgue.
45. In going to DMV driving school
Be prepared to write with one arm and one leg because the DMV
holds them hostage if you fail the school test.
46. Always be courteous to other drivers on the road
Right after you curse them and pass them on the right
47. Those who fail the DMV written and driving test
Usually drive anyway
48. When getting into your car
Always look into the back-seat: other drivers you have wronged on
the road may be there.
49. Remember the rules of the road
Fast red cars always try to go first
50. When coming to an intersection, remember cars on the right
Will always try to go first, smash them
51. When you are to old to drive
Get a motorcycle
52. If you can't see the head of the driver in front of you
Trouble
53. Always pass the driver in front of you
When you don't like their face in their side view mirror
54. The best drivers
Are those who smile in the rear view mirror at you
55. Most cars are passed
When the driver behind notices they look like their ex
56. It is never safe to pass
gas in a crowded car
57. Reading the licence plate of the car in front of you
Often results in too much unwanted auto intimacy
58. If the person driving is driving too fast
Slam your foot into passenger side floor board
59. If you are driving uninsured and get into an accident
Demand to see the other drivers licence and insurance and then
make a run for it.
60. If you are going 90 and a highway patrol officer catches you
You were going too slow.
61. If you see a Hummer on the road
See if you can get the lyrics
62. People singing at the top of their lungs in their car
Were not allowed to sing at home for a reason
63. The speed limit for holiday traffic
Is zero miles per hour
64. The sign "Baby On Board"
Is required when driving with certain teens and exs
65. When pulling along side a driver who looks like a vampire
Move away
66. When taking the DMV written exam, the one with the 92 page study
guide
Bring snacks and take frequent naps
67. Popping a wheelie after leaving the DMV
Is not advised
68. Depression is the act of paying astronomical auto registration fees
for a vehicle which is no longer operational
69. If the way a person drives scares you
Smack them when safely stopped at a stop sign
70. Never get into a "Share A Ride" car when the driver has yellow
eyes and is wearing a cape.
71. Don't give your car keys to your designated driver if he/she is
already drunk.
72. If you can not see above the counter at the DMV to pay your car
registration
Go back home
73. Having a six pack and drinking a six-pack on the road
Are not the same thing
74. If you find a bra in your husband's car
He is cheating, cross dressing or messing with your mind.
75. After you drive home and then you can't find your car keys
You probably did not leave them at the store
76.. I called for road assistance when my car clicker ran out of
batteries
Didn't think to use the car KEY.
77. When your car won't start
Never say to strangers "I need a jump"
78. Never be courteous to strangers
Whom you find in the back seat of your car when you get in.
79. If you drive 30 on a 60 mile an hour highway
You wll be run over by racing turtles
80. The best job in the world
The slow-sign holder in construction zones
81. If a cop asks you "Did you know how fast you were going?"
Answer: Apparently not fast enough officer."
82. If a cop asks: "Did you see the stop sign back there"
No officer, that is probably why I hit it."
83. If a cop asks: "Good evening sir. Have you been drinking tonite?"
"Why yes officer, are you buying the second round?"
84. If a cop asks: Get out of the car and walk a straight line for me
I'd like to officer but tonite I have been drinking heavily
85. A deer crossing sign
Can be ignored if the deer are J-Walking
86. Dogs in cars mistaken for people is the second greatest cause of
accidents
87. It is not ok to let your pet Elephant drive in heavy traffic
88. You can get a perfect score on the DMV driving test
When you cheat
89. I think it is perfectly logical, with a 92 page study guide, at the DMV
to have the test be an open-book test
90. Tell me how a 16 year old can be given driver's licence and has
never driven a day in their life alone?
91. When driving if you think of road-kill as stew
You are weird.
92. Next time you want to fill up your car
You will have to mortgage the house to pay for it.
93. If you see a dog on the side of the road hitch-hitching
Check your meds
94. Cars parked on a lovers lane late at night
Always run out of gas
95. If the car in front of you has a blinking turn signal for 20 miles
Relax, take a deep breath, and honk your horn for the next 20
miles.
96. When merging into on-coming traffic
Speed up and keep them guessing at to what you will do.
97. When driving on one of San Francisco's seven hills
Pack a parachute for sky-diving in case the brakes fail.
98. If the car in front of you slams on his/her brakes you should
Get out and offer the driver a free insult.
99. Rule of the road
The way most NY Taxi Cab Drivers drive cause most heart attacks
100. Rule of the road
Taxi cab drivers should not be allowed to talk
101. Many babies are born in the back seat of cars
Many more are conceived there
102. Remember the good driver
Can still use both middle fingers and still keep to the road
steering with their knees
more later
