I never realized just how much anger or bitterness I held inside me until I went to a grief counseling session at my church.  It was as if someone had turned the spigot on full blast.  

The emotions I encountered as I talked about the loss of my mother from Alzheimer's disease was overwheliming.  At times I thought I was going to break right apart in two, but the counselors allowed me to cry and let go of all the anger, frustration, confusion, and uncertainty I had been holding inside for the five years I took care of Mother.  Watching her decline was hard, but having to put Mother in a nursing home because I could no longer care for her was even far worse than I could have ever imagined.

I not only had to talk about and relive my experiences: I alaso had to write about each feeling and why they were so personable and real to me.  We had to keep journals and meet up with other people who were in different phases of the grieving process.

Some of the stories I had heard were unbelievable.  

One man lost his wife to a drunk driver ten years ago.  He had held his anger and bitterness towards the drunk driver for a long time and it was causing all sorts of issues with his health.  Only when he was able to let go and learn to forgive was he able to take control of his own situation and once he did, his health rapidly improved.  He was on disability; he is now working again and contributing to society once again.  He is  much happier and sure of himself now.

Another person, a teenaged girl, lost her best friend to cancer and took to cutting herself.  She had to undergo mental health counseling and talk with her guidance counselor at work; the mental health counselor and the guidance counselor both suggested that she get into music because the girl had a beautiful singing voice.  She is now working towards her goal of becoming a singer. 

A ten year old boy (the youngest person of the group) was the victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at the hand of his mother, who was strung out on drugs; if she didn't abuse him, her live-in boyfriend did.  The boy had been beaten to near unconsciousness numerous times and often ended up in the hospital.  

Once he was well, the child was removed from the home and put into foster care; all of this occurred bdfore he was six years of age.  At age seven, he was put up for adoption but nobody wanted him: he was too old.  Then, finally, two years ago, he was adopted by a loving Christian family, and his life has turned around 360 degrees; he is a completely different child.

And then there's me.  I am working towards learning to forgive not only myself but family members who bailed on me because they felt they had their own lives to lead; they couldn't be tied down with caring for Mother.  While I still have my moments where I break down into tears, the healing has begun and I am learning to accept the fact that I did my best to help Mother when she was at home with me and I did the right thing when her Alzheimer's overtook her mind and her overall health.  

It isn't easy, but I am taking it one day at a time, and since writing about what I have gone through, my attitude has changed dramatically, and it is kinda nice to know that I am not alone in my suffering:  other people are going through the same thing (or things that are much worse) than I am.

I don't know where all this will lead, but one thing is for certain: I now know how to cry and to write down my innermost feelings and talk to others about what I have gone through.