How to Deal with Telephone Marketers

“Ringgg.”

“Hello. It is I, the owner of this telephone, and the person with whom you are about to become acquainted if not mesmerized by.”

“Hi there, this is Debbie. And how are you today?”

“Why thank you very much, Debbie. And how thoughtful of you to ask. It isn't everyday that a total stranger calls me to inquire about my health. What a special person you must be. But why dally with long introductions? Let me get down to the business of your call. Starting with the top of my head, I have a spot about two inches from my forehead on the left side of my brain that is throbbing. It's been doing that for about 2 hours now. I took a couple of Aleve to settle it out, but so far, nothing. Moving right along, I still have that confounded ringing in my ears. I almost didn't take your call because I wasn't sure if it was you or me doing the ringing. (Ha Ha). They call it tinnitus, but it's not a tinny sound at all. It's more like a buzzing sound. Sort of like locusts in there in swarms. But I'm used to them. They've been in there for 8 or 10 years just buzzing away. I guess if they are the 17-year variety, they will be around for another 7 years or so. And right nearby are those darned fibrous slats in my inner ear that vibrate and make me dizzy as hell. They call it vertigo, but I call it falling down on my ass a lot. I got arrested down at the mall last week because of it. It took me 7 hours to convince them to release me from jail over that one. The bastards. But getting back to my face and that deviated septum operation. My ENT guy said it would heal in about a week. Hell, it's been a month and I still can't breathe from my left nostril. I'll skip my heart and spine for now, and go straight to my prostate and to my left testicle.

“Click.”

“Hello? Hello? Debbie, are you still there?  Hello? I think she's gone. And she was such a nice person, too. Oh well. She probably wouldn't have been interested in my crooked toe with the ingrown toe nail.”