The Reluctant Corpse
I had just moved into Blackmire and was in need of a job...fast. After giving my new landlord the first and last month's rent for the studio apartment I was left with twenty six bucks and change. With the change I bought the town's only newspaper and started job hunting.
The first ad to catch my eye was: Jill of all Trades seeks hard working individual as a helper in small painting and landscaping business. Applicant must…
I made a quick call and in two rings was connected with Jill Behan. She spoke fast and had a bossy undertone to her voice. After what seemed a thousand questions she asked me to meet her on her job site the next morning. “ Just in case we’re a fit wear your old jeans. It’s dirty work.”
The job site was at # 19 Black Oak Drive. When I arrived Jill was already at work cleaning the rain gutters. She stared at me a few moments and said, “ You’ll do. Grab a ladder off the truck and start in the back. Grab a bucket too. Some real sloppy goo up here.” She snapped her fingers and I went to work thinking Jill was going to be a real bitch. I was right.
At noon we stopped for lunch break and Jill grabbed a sack lunch from her truck cab. I had not thought to bring anything. Sitting beneath a shade tree Jill ate with abandon, occasionally asking me questions about any knowledge I had in landscaping etc. Being honest I told her I knew very little. She scrunched her face at that. “ Need to learn fast bub. I need help that makes me the green.”
I knew then I would spend my afternoons and weekends looking for a friendlier work environment. We finished the day cleaning the outside of the gutters and powerwashing the siding. At quitting time Jill advised me to be at same job at seven that next morning. She left in her Ram pickup with no offer for a ride home.
After walking the three miles to my apartment I crashed on the couch and slept straight through to six in the morning. Damn. Had no time to even change. I grabbed an apple and headed to the job site. A mile from the apartment Jill called and gave me a different address. Two miles away from my apartment in the other direction. BITCH!
I made the job by eight after stopping at my place to shower and change work clothes. Jill was waiting for me, arms crossed. and a scowl plastered across her face. “ I said seven. You ever on time or do I need to look for someone else?”
In my defense I reminded Jill she had caused me to be late by changing her orders as I walked to the old job. Big mistake. She went nuts and cussed me real good and “who’s the damn boss anyway…” At the end of the rant she fired me told me to sue her for my day's pay of the day before.
My turn to go nuts. I picked up a shovel next to the flower garden and hit her once across the temple. She folded and fell into a grouping of roses. I dropped the shovel and felt for her pulse. Nothing. Damn me.
“ Good job young fella.” I almost had a stroke hearing the voice of an old man behind me and my freshly murdered boss. “ I was wondering when someone would off that crazy bitch.”
I stood up and was shocked when the old guy shook my hand. We both looked down at Jill. “ Look Mister I…”
“ Settle down son. It’s fine. No one can see this side of the house from the street. Let’s me and you dig a hole where the roses are and be done with her. I have a lot to do around here and could use your help. That woman treated me like a three legged dog.”
In a kind of shock and relief I worked with the old man, Harry, digging a grave for the Jill of All Trades. Before we covered her Harry whacked her about ten or twelve times with the killing edge of his shovel. I have to say Jill didn’t look so bossy then.
“ Another job well done son. Come on in and I’ll discuss what I need done around here. See if you’re interested. Like coffee?”
With a more than fair job offer I went home in a car Harry lent to me. Later on he bought an old truck and finding out we were both M.R. James fans we became pretty good friends. We never mentioned Jill unless she would manage to stick a rotting finger or hand through the dirt. When that happened I would just snip it off while weeding and dispose of the body part in Harry’s compost.
After about three months Jill’s body stopped trying to surface and Harry commented that he was looking forward to the coming Spring and had found some new roses he wanted to try.
end
