It was a year ago, after many years of travel, I found myself looking for a more permanent place to call home. since I grew up in Kansas, I decided to start my search there. Something in a small town, calm and quiet. It was not an easy search. With the state of the economy the way it was, I thought there would be an abundance of choices at good rates.

  Just before I made the decision to move on to Colorado and search there, I came across an ad for the Black Mire Hotel while having breakfast at Fast Judy’s Cafe. The ad I saw was printed on one of those wraparound chipboard deals that clung to the napkin dispenser. The pictures of the Black Mire, both exterior and interior, were neither plain nor fancy. Perfect for my taste. Built in 1888 it boasted a host of famous tenants from the wilder days of the west. True or not it was interesting reading during my French toast and coffee. I paid my check and left the Fast Judy waitress a nice tip and headed for the Black Mire.

  The trip there was fairly short and soon I was standing in the lobby that I later learned was referred to as the commons. Several guests, as the tenants were called, sat in overstuffed chairs chatting or reading their newspapers. I walked with my two suitcases to the register counter where I was greeted by a very thin and bent young man,  His name tag read:  Wally. After all the formalities were completed and I signed a two year lease, Wally snapped his fingers and yelled: “Clarence!”

  Clarence tapped my shoulder and said, “Hello, I’m Clarence. May I take your

bags sir?” Smiling, I turned and looked at Clarence. The bell hop. Clarence was a kangaroo, and taller than myself. Not waiting for a reply, Clarence took my bags and hopped to the elevator.

Inside the elevator, I struggled for something to say. Finally blurting out, ”Nice day out, eh?” Clarence sat my bags down and turned to face me.

  “I wouldn’t know sir. I’m rarely let outside. However I am the Hotel’s boxing champion, as well as kickboxer champ, savate and boom-a-rang champion. Not a bad wrestler either.” That’s when the kangaroo showed his talents right there in the elevator. He began to hop and box at the air. “Care to go a round or two sir?”

  “Absolutely not,” I say, “the last thing I want to do is box a kangaroo.”

  “Oh, it’s like that is it. Don’t like kangaroos? That’s fine. Let’s see how long your room service takes.”

  “No. It’s nothing to do with Kangaroos, or you. I’m no fool. You would beat me hands down. That’s all I meant.” That seemed to bring Clarence back to a good humor.

  “I have to say you are spot on. After all I am the champ.”

  “And rightfully so.”

  “That thing I said about room service...”

  “Forgotten.”

  “Good man, then. Here we are. 313. Our good luck suite. Ha ha.”

 The rooms were fantastic, with high ceilings complete with antique fans, and a living room full of splendid furniture with a wall of built in oak shelves, filled with books of every taste.

 The bedroom was also much more than I expected. King bed. A cedar chest at the foot board and a walk in closet. The last door in the room was the bathroom. A deep tub for soaking and of course a shower. Clarence turned it on and off again to show me it’s force. “There is a kitchenette off of the living room, wifi and of course full cable.”

  “I’m speechless. The place is fantastic.” I handed Clarence a generous tip and informed him I was going to take a small nap before exploring the place.

  “Make sure to check out your balcony and the patio in the rear yard. There are a number of ladies your age there that enjoy the good weather.” Clarence winked at this and left, hopping to the elevator. I guess a talking kangaroo working as a bellhop is not all that strange. Anyway he seemed friendly and didn’t box me. So tired. I fell into the luxury bed and was out in a second.

My first nap at Black Mire did not end well. I felt my neck being tickled and in my half sleep swatted the area thinking it to be a fly or some other insect. Then the thing was at my face. I opened my eyes to the repulsive sight of a mouse. Damn it. I knew this place was too good to be true . I jumped up, grabbed an empty cup and saucer and trapped the horrid animal between the two pieces of  china.

  Walking to my balcony I stepped to the railing and seeing no one below dropped the mouse and the cup and saucer trap to the concrete below. “There you go, Captain Tom, have a nice landing, ya bastard.” I washed my hands, pulled off the bedding and kicked it into the hallway. After washing my hands again I called Clarence. He was boxing at the door in no time. I opened up.”

   “Hello again then. Forget a thing or two. Laundry already. No problem. I’ll hop to it. Been practicing my moves. My boxing moves you know.”

  “Clarence please. I went for my nap and…”

  “Your nap? I remember. Your nap. I was shadow boxing at the time.”

  “That’s great, Clarence. But I have a problem. A mouse climbed into bed with me and…”

  “Ah, that explains the dead rat and tea cup smashed all to hell below your balcony. Yes, that explains it. No worries. I’ll filch a few cups from the kitchen. Mums the word.”

  “Not a rat a mouse. Sickly looking, too.”

  “I’ll say he was sickly. But it was a rat for sure. Dwarf rats, have the SARS. Very contagious. Hope you’re not a worry wart. I have some dwarf rat repellant in the lower cellar. I can fetch some and put it outside in your hallway.”

  “Please do. But a repellant. Can’t we just kill the bastards? Get an exterminator.”

  “SHHHH. No talk of that. We could be shut down in a minute. Health Dept. They get wind of this and, poof, we are all on the street. I bet they would even burn the furniture and carpets. Don’t worry. Ol’ Clarence will get the repellant and fresh bedding. Oh, and if you by chance catch another rat, just flush it. I had to take a shovel to the one you tossed. Good then, we are set.”

  Clarence left but I didn’t feel at all set. No, I did not feel set at all. Two year lease, dwarf rats with SARS. All that and the weirdness of a talking kangaroo crept back into my mind. Not wanting to sit on the furniture I paced back and forth waiting for Clarence. In short order I heard him hopping about in the hallway. No doubt with

the ‘repellant.’ I opened the door a crack to peek out and shut it back as fast as possible. Clarence was dragging dead bodies from long days past along the hallway propping them into sitting positions, their backs to the wall. For a second or two I thought about Ted Nugent and a swan dive from my balcony. Clarence knocked. I opened.

  “Got it done boss. All set. Just have to grab your bedding and tea cups. Hopping to it now.”

  “Wait, Clarence. Are those dead bodies. Real bodies of people?”

  “Of course. You’ll see. Works like a charm. Oh, the bodies have been shellacked several time, so no worries about them falling apart or anything bothersome.”

  I was beaten and that was it. I moved out in the middle of the night, leaving my things behind. All of my contaminated things. All of my things, as well as a talking kangaroo, dwarf rats with SARS and a dozen or so dead bodies. As I crept out, the corpses waved to me. The last one in line stood as I walked past it. I think it was going out for a smoke.

end