I thought I had no forgiveness in my heart. Thirty years had gone by since my daughter Julie had a cerebral hemorrhage/massive stroke, 30 years ago,
when she was just 27 years old. I had forgiven everyone since that time, but I wanted a soft heart..
Has Your Heart Grown Cold?
Yesterday morning, while driving to church, I was praying as I always do about the service. I always pray that my daughter Julie and I will be receptive to whatever God wants us to receive that morning, that He speaks to our hearts personally, through whatever happens, what ever He does or says through the worship, the pastor or anyone.
I remember praying, “God soften my heart. I don’t want a hard heart. Soften Julie’s heart and heal both our hearts today”. I continued to pray asking God to not let our hearts grow cold and hard and then I prayed that God would do the same for all my friends and loved ones.
Well, wouldn’t you know God heard my prayer? The first thing that happened was after the worship our pastor began to speak to the people and his words were so prophetic it hit me right between the eyes. He said, “God is a healer and he wants to heal you today. But he wants to heal your heart first. In order to heal your heart, there needs to be forgiveness and repentance. You can’t have that in your heart and ask God to heal your heart”.
Well, there it was. God had spoken. The pastor went on praying and telling us we should forgive those who have hurt us and ask those we have hurt to forgive us. That was my prayer for the rest of the service. Forgiving those who have hurt me. Of course I have done this many, many times in the past 25 years. Once I wrote down for three solid days on a piece of paper, the names of people who had hurt me, as they came to mind, adding to it day by day as their names came to my mind. Boy, that list was a mile long! Then I forgave them and threw it in the fireplace and burned it. What a relief!
But, still as time goes by, people still hurt us, say things that break our heart, and it is hard to heal. We say we forgive, but if we still have anger when we think of them, then we really haven’t forgiven. Some people are really forgiving people, and do not hold grudges at all. Those kinds of people are special people.
But if we hold that stuff inside and cover it up and say we are fine, then our heart grows cold and hard. I want to have a heart like Jesus, who can forgive and help us to forgive.
My grandson Reno who was about 11 years old then, had a vision where he went to Heaven and talked with Jesus - and Jesus put his hand in his hand and when we asked what it felt like, he said, “It felt like His heart went into my heart”. That is how I want to feel. Jesus had such a soft heart.
So, God wants to heal your heart, just like He is healing mine. God showed me some one to forgive, which I didn’t even think I needed to forgive. I didn’t even realize I was harboring anger toward her. It was Julie. Why did I need to forgive her? Good Lord! This girl is my daughter and has so many problems from the brain damaged suffered 25 years ago. I live with her. I take care of her. I cook her meals and help her to get dressed and deal with her obsessive-compulsive things, which she has as a result of the trauma to her brain. I take her everywhere she needs to go. I listen to her asking the hundreds of questions she asks over and over which I have answered time and time again. But, I didn’t realize I was harboring hidden anger and it was eating me alive. It was hidden. I was going to get a hard heart if I didn’t do something fast. Which I did! Hallelujah!
Then the next thing that happened was during the sermon. We have been studying II Chronicles 6 and 7. Yesterday we were on Chapter 7:14, which is very familiar to me, “If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”
Well, the preacher’s words from then on, really hit home. I realize we do have to humble ourselves, because God can’t hear our prayers when we have pride in our hearts. We say, “Oh I have forgiven, but I can’t forget!” But have we really forgiven? Probably not, and it will harden your heart, and God can’t hear your prayers.
I looked up “hard heart” on the Internet. I found a sermon by Chas. Spurgeon, from 1886, called “Jesus Angry With Hard Hearts”. What? I don’t remember reading that! If you get a chance please read it!
"And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand."—Mark 3:5. Oh but some people say that Jesus is not ever angry; he is so loving and kind. Well, he does get angry - at our unbelief and hard heart.
In one place Spurgeon says, “Let us be careful to keep away from all hardening influences, whether of books, or men, or habits, or pleasures. If there be any company which deadens us as to spiritual things, which hinders our prayers, shakes our faith, or damps our zeal, let us get out of it, and keep out of it.”
It is not just anger and un-forgiveness that hardens our hearts! It’s the bad habits, bad language, bad TV, books, people we hang out with, or bad pleasures we are involved in that also hardens our hearts.
So, today I continue to pray that God keeps softening my heart and yours too. So, you are afraid that if you soften your heart, you will get hurt again. Probably so! But, Jesus is there to heal your heart again as He has done mine.
I'm not a religious person, but I understand what you are going through with your daughter. I have had caregivers for almost as long as you have cared for your daughter--23 years.
I have three caregivers to try to ease the pressure on my primary helper and partner. They all get angry from time to time over the difficulties they have trying to meet my needs. And I am quite capable and can take care of myself much of the time. It's even worse for you, having to deal with someone with brain injury. My partner's sister recently suffered a stroke with similar brain damage. She drives my partner crazy with repetitive questions and her loss of short-term memory with extreme forgetfulness.
It looks like you found something to help you through your anger. As far as those who have treated you badly, probably because of your daughter, they will receive what they give.
This piece touched me. Your faith is an encouragement. Charles A. Spurgeon is one of my favorite old writers. His book - 'All of Grace' - is one of my top-ten favorites. If you haven't read, or listened to it, you should do so. It will fully bless and encourage you. The sentiment in this piece is palpable. Anyone who has gone through similar circumstances with loved ones can readily relate to what your heart is revealing here. Merry Christmas to you and yours. rlc
TRUE STORY. Bella survived an abusive powerbroker father with organized crime ties, a drug-addicted mother and a physically/sexually abusive brother. Shocking & inspirational. When she couldn't cry, she tattooed a crying angel to cry for her.
Rosetta was born in 1909 as the youngest of ten children. The family had more laughter than money and neighbors would knock on their door to ask, "Can we come in and laugh, too?"
