a story of growth, of self discovery, of many things unspoken.
Sitting there, gazing out at the gray and dreary morning, it hit her. the gray...the color gray. Her outlook felt as gloomy as it looked out there. Her heart felt as heavy as the clinging fog. Somewhere along the way over the recent past months and events, she had lost her mojo. She did not know exactly how it had happened..or when...just that it was gone. Try as she might, her interest seemed to wain in areas that mattered before.
The surgery was a success and her body looked reasonably good...ok... it was better than good. She had waited a lifetime, or at least it felt that way, to have the tummy tuck. It turned out well that she worked at a hospital and they could also repair the hernia while doing it. As fate would have it, there was a second one and both were now healing nicely as well as the wound from the incision. The scar from the tuck went out to the sides of her hips and was not exactly symetrical but it was worth it to have the excess skin and the tattoo, a bad decision from a few years earlier, removed. She should be happy...ecstatic even, but not so much.
How do you explain to anyone that you feel like you don't have purpose? Sure, you have your job, your family, your friends but it felt like going through the motions. The gray... it seemed to be there. Always. The trips to the gym that she used to look forward to, working out and getting her body into shape, the sweating and challenging of herself were all lacking somehow. It all left with Him. He gave her that. Wings...
She needed to move forward but life was like food without flavor. Glancing back outside, she wondered if anyone else had felt this way. She had never loved another like she did him and it had been amazing and hard, painful and invigorating and even more but she just could not put it into words. And if she could, who would really listen, who would hear her heart?
Elisa knew she needed to let go. Knowing and doing... two completely different characters. She had spent hours and hours going over conversations in her head, things that had happened. Trying to figure out the "why" of things had simply left her drained and exhausted. Why? Why had he not "seen" her? Why was he not willing to take chances and give them both what they needed. She could see. The possibilities.... but then she had been told many times that vision is a gift. She had it - and a lot of good it had done her.
She shook her head trying to remove thoughts of play time with him. The times that she had been shackled to his bed and he had played her body like a Maestro with the sounds of music in his head that only he could hear. The times he had held her hand or kissed the top of her head. The moments when she laid in the crux of his thighs, both spent and used up, had been like coming home for her - answering some deep primitive need that only he had filled.
She turned slowly away from the window. He was a beautiful man. Still is. Tall, confident, well built and athletic looking even as he had aged. His prowess in the board room just as strong as in the bedroom.
She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. He had others....many others. His offer for her to stay in his life was tempting, but she did not feel like he need another "toy". At least not this one. She had already invested much...so much, even though she knew there was more to give. She had been a toy, a submissive for as long as she could. She needed commitment and not token dinners or time on his boat like many others before and after. She needed depth. The kind a slave needs. Ownership and the responsibility that went with it.
She opened the door. Realizing finally that he could not...would not give that to her. His demanding business and getting his life in order was just an excuse. Perhaps she did not measure up. No... she had much to offer. So much inner strength and beauty. More than the average woman. Elisa tilted her head up, looked at the sun peeking out from the clouds.... and gently closed the door behind her.
A touching, loving and spirtual insight of the dying process, filled with peace, smiles and starting on their journey, taking me with them as far as I could go, returning back with something I didn't have before. Will be out early in 2010..on Kindle
Sixty-seven days after departing Flores Island in Europe’s westernmost waters, the schooner Heimdall and her stalwart crew has finally arrived at the mysterious Isla Socorro in the Revillagigedo Archipelagoes. The discoveries they make are astounding
