A typical allergy-filled day for Lumpy, written in the first person for practice.
I could feel my snout quivering, and I could vaguely see my nostrils flaring up. Knowing what was going to happen, I sniffled, bringing up one of my hands to rub my nose. But that didn't really work, since I could still feel that annoying itch in my nose. I kept rubbing my nose, trying to stop it from itching so much, but it just wasn't working.
It was springtime in the forest, and the air was full of pollen. But that was exactly why my nose was feeling so tickly in the first place. You see, I'm really, really allergic to pollen, so it always makes me sneeze. It also makes my nose itch so much that even rubbing it as much as I can won't help it stop. In fact, the only way I can stop it is by letting out a sneeze or several. That usually works, but then my nose starts running or gets stuffy until I grab a tissue.
My hay fever alone is the number one reason I hate spring, because that's when it's allergy season. The season when I'm at my sneeziest, if that's even a word. Then again, pretty much all of the seasons have me sneeze in some way. Besides spring, summer leads to me sneezing from the sunlight, and has just about the same pollen problem as spring, while fall has me sneeze from the chill and the occasional leaf landing on my nose. But winter is arguably the second worst besides spring, since almost every single winter, I catch a cold that's bound to be full of sneezes from start to finish.
"Aaah..." My breath started to hitch. By this point, it had become clear that I just couldn't hold this sneeze back, and I had to brace myself for it. My hand slipped away from my nose as I tilted my neck slightly back. "Aaaaaaaah..." I tilted it farther back as my nostrils kept growing and shrinking, over and over. Every gasp I took seemed to tickle my nose even more. "AaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAH...!"
After this final gasp, there was a long pause, with no release at first. I was almost convinced that the sneeze was gone. I tried to take a sniffle, but my nose sucked up a little bit of pollen from the air, and I had no choice but to let it all out.
I shot my neck forwards as I released the sneeze. I could feel the snot escaping from my nostrils as I did so. But it wasn't enough relief for my poor nose. It just continued to itch from the pollen in the air, and I had to sneeze again. Faster than I could even sniffle, I took another inhale, throwing my neck backward.
Compared to the sneeze before that one, this sneeze really wasn't much better. More snot came out of my nose, like I was trying to blow it without a tissue. Recovering from the sneeze, I sniffled and rubbed my nose with my forefinger. I had to stop after a few seconds, though, when I felt something wet oozing onto my finger. I removed it from my nose, only to see a stream of snot connecting it to my nose. It had started running again.
"Oh, not again..." I said to myself. I hate when this happens, so much.
I turned around and started to head back to my trailer. I kept rubbing my nose with my finger, but I accidentally sniffled and got some pollen up my nose. I needed to sneeze again, really badly, so I removed my finger from my nose and inhaled.
These two sneezes weren't quite as big as the last two I'd released today, but they were still loud. And my nose was still running after that. I rubbed my nose again, trying not to sniffle so I wouldn't get any more pollen in my nose.
I made it back to my trailer, and I could see a little bird hanging out on the porch. It saw me coming, then quickly took off into the sky. I wasn't really in the mood to interact with it, anyway, at least not in this condition. I started to climb the steps, but a single feather floated down and landed right on my nostrils.
Right there, I stopped in my tracks. My eyes widened, and I could feel a major chill running down my spine. My nose froze for a second, but then my nostrils started to flare up, badly. When that started happening, my whole snout began to twitch, too. I wasn't even trying to tickle my nose at the time, but they just couldn't take it. I needed to sneeze, again.
Even though feathers make me sneeze every time one of them so much as touches my nose, I've never really considered myself allergic to them. To be honest, I don't think that's possible, and I think the sneezes I let out from them aren't much different from any other ones I release. But I just couldn't concentrate on that right now...
"Aaaah... Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh..." I tilted my neck back slightly, letting the feather fall off my nose, but it was too late to stop my sneeze from coming. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
I released a huge amount of spit from my mouth and an equally big amount of snot from my nose. When I was done letting the sneeze out, my finger snapped to my nostrils as I rubbed them, sniffling a few times. My nose was still feeling runny from the pollen, but the tickle that the feather had brought just made it even worse.
I finally made it into my trailer and went straight into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me, grabbed a tissue, held it to the end of my nose and blew as hard as I could. It actually felt pretty good, but I was sure that my nose was still feeling runny. So I wiped my nose, sniffling a few times to clear my poor nostrils.
After my nose finally stopped running, I threw the tissue away, walked out of the bathroom and decided to go into the living room. I went up to the TV and started to turn it on, but it occurred to me that it was covered with a layer of dust. I took a deep breath and blew on it, blowing the dust off.
Big. Mistake.
"Aaaaaah-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" I immediately sneezed again, shooting my neck forwards. My eyes started watering, but I could clearly see that the dust was filling the air around me. My nose sure didn't like that! "AAAAAAAAAAAH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! AHHHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Ahhhhh... AHHHHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
I rubbed my red nose with my forefinger, trying to sniffle as mildly as I could to keep any more dust from getting up my nose. Dust doesn't make me sneeze as much as pollen, but both of them make me sneeze, a lot.
That night, I yawned into my hand as I crawled into my bed. As I tried to fall asleep, I felt something soft brush against my nostril, causing it to itch, badly. A second afterwards, I sneezed again.
That sneeze blew that soft thing away from my nostril. I sniffled and rubbed my nose with my forefinger as I looked to the side to see a feather sticking out of my pillow. It must have tickled my nostril and made me sneeze. I just didn't care, though, so I removed my finger, turned over and finally fell asleep.
I don't really have a problem with sneezing frequently, but why, why does every day of my life have to have so much sneezing? I keep seeing my doctor, I keep taking allergy medicine, but it just doesn't work. If my allergies don't make me sneeze, it's something else that makes me sneeze. Usually something small, but it doesn't help, because it just makes me let out a big sneeze.
I might have the worst allergies, not to mention the most sensitive nose, in the world. What's it gonna take to end my sneezing problem for good? How hard could it possibly be?! I don't understand!
Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading.
"Murder isn't usually this funny."
Amazon reviewer
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
