“If only you knew how much I dread going!” sighed Salimat as the two women walked toward a coffee shop.

“So let’s turn back, then. Why did you have to make me walk all the way here in the rain?” asked Liza.

“No, we can’t leave now. I promised to meet him here, and he probably had to take off work just to make it on time. No, I can’t do that to him.”

“See, that’s why you always end up a victim—you feel bad for everyone but yourself. I mean, you’ve never even met this guy, yet you already feel awkward about this and that. Come on, let’s go back; he probably has enough women besides you. I mean, you can tell by his voice that he’s a friendly person.”

“No, I can’t stand him up, I promised that I’d be here.”

As the two women approached the coffee shop, they saw a young handsome, dark-skinned man standing by the door. Liza figured out right away that he must be the guy, so she spoke first, “Here we are!”

The man smiled broadly , as if they were old friends. “I am Arthur, and I’m very pleased to meet you! God, you are beautiful!” he exclaimed.

Salimat smiled warmly and extended her hand to him. The man opened the door and motioned them in. They sat down by the window, Salimat directly across from Arthur. He got up, went to the counter, and returned with three cups of coffee. He looked ecstatic and radiated pure happiness.

“I’m so happy to finally meet you! Since I read your book I can’t keep you out of my mind or my heart. Until now, I couldn’t believe that a woman is capable of such love. I envy the men who are loved by such women! I envy those who’re worthy of such pure and utter love!” said Arthur, looking intently into Salimat’s eyes.

Salimat could feel her heart racing as she listened to him, his words touching her very soul. She looked at his beautiful dark eyes, short goatee, and his sensuous lips. My God, he’s gorgeous, she thought, but so young...

“I’d love to hear about your current project!” said Arthur with a faint smile.

“I am writing about a woman, her life, her love, her suffering.”

“I’d love to see you again and hear some more of your work. I’ve never met a writer before, and I’m just so happy to be sitting here with you today! To tell you the truth, I was worried that you wouldn’t want to meet me. I always thought that writers are very sensitive and hard to approach.”

“Well, a woman writer is no different than anyone else. She falls in love like other women, she’s lied to and deceived like other women. There is really no difference between a

female writer and any other woman,” said Salimat as she continued to stare into his eyes. The more she looked, the more she liked him, and the more she felt like she already knew him. God, he is so handsome! she thought, “Which writers do you like most?”

“I’ve read a lot, but I must say that Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky, and Dreiser are the ones who delve into the very depth of the human soul!”

Salimat listened attentively, with a peaked interest. After all, Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky, and Dreiser were her favorite writers as well, and it was a strange coincidence that Arthur named these particular three. They talked about other writers and books, and as Salimat listened, she couldn’t help but wonder how knowledgeable and well-read he is for his age! It seemed like every book Salimat has ever read or researched, Arthur had, too. It had been a while since she had met such an educated and intelligent man!

They continued to sit and talk for a while, but Arthur had to go back to work. When they stepped outside, Arthur got a taxi for them, and as they were getting into a cab he turned to Salimat. “I am so happy that we had chance to meet. Would it be okay if I called you later, so that we could talk some more? You’re not just a wonderful writer, but the beautiful, intelligent woman I’ve been searching for my entire life!”

He took Salimat’s hand and lightly kissed it. The touch of his lips sent shivers throughout Salimat’s body. Smiling shyly, she said, “Sure, call me.” As soon as the taxi pulled away from the curb, Salimat quietly said to herself: What an interesting person you are, Arthur.

That night, Salimat couldn’t fall asleep. She kept seeing Arthur in her thoughts, his beautiful smile, and his hearty laugh. How intelligent he is, how educated! How could his wife leave him? She must be crazy to think she can find anyone smarter than he! One day she’ll understand what a terrible mistake she’s made, that there is no one better than Arthur! Salimat remembered the words of a great ancient philosopher: “If you ask a crowd of people to throw all that they dislike into one batch, then ask the same crowd of people to take what they like from the same batch, there won’t be anything left.”

The next morning Salimat was awakened by the phone ring. As she picked up the receiver, she heard Arthur’s strong voice.

“Good morning, my dear lady writer! Did you sleep well? Who did you dream about last night, Mopassan or Merime?”

Salimat was so happy to hear his voice that she couldn’t speak. She just stood there with the phone clutched in her hand, smiling silently, listening to his soft voice on the other side.

“I’d really like to take you to this restaurant tonight. It’s a great place, you’ll love it! I can pick you up at 6 P.M., so ... can I please have your address?”

Salimat told him where she lived, and then, after a long pause, threw both hands upward and exclaimed: “Arthur, I’ve been searching for you my whole life! Dear God, You finally heard my prayers!”

The day seemed to go on endlessly. Salimat couldn’t contain her excitement. Promptly at 6 P.M. her doorbell rang. She briskly walked to the door, and as soon as she opened it she saw Arthur with a huge bouquet of red roses.

“Good day, my Shakespeare!”

“Oh, I’m not even close to such greatness! Come on in,” she said with a smile.

“Hey, Shakespeare himself would’ve fallen in love with you if he could lay his eyes on you! When you wear those graceful, long dresses you look like a woman of that era. I think Dante would have forgotten Beatrice in a minute if he could see you now!” Arthur came in, looked around, and exclaimed, “What a nice place you have here!”

“Come into this room, Arthur,” said Salimat.

“My God, how many books do you have?” said Arthur, looking around at what seemed am endless array of books. “Have you read all of them?” he asked, unable to take his eyes off the books.

“I’ve read quite a bit more,” answered Salimat with a faint smile.

“Even Voltaire and Kant?”

“I read them back in my university days.”

“A woman who reads Voltaire deserves praise and respect!”

They continued to talk for a while, and then left the house. As they approached the restaurant, Arthur took Salimat by the hand and walked in with her. The place was huge. As they made their way past pool tables, dancing men and women, and booths filled with couples, Arthur continued to hold Salimat’s hand. He led her to the farthest booth on the opposite end of the restaurant, and on the wall were rows of paintings.

“Look at these paintings!” Arthur said excitedly. “The people in them seem so unhappy, tired and exhausted! That’s Dutch Miner by Van Gogh. And see those dark-skinned, half-naked women? That’s by Paul Gaugain. He fled from Paris to Tahiti because he was so poor, but remained destitute and a pauper even there. He wrote a letter to someone back in Paris, begging to be sent some money for food. Several years ago, this same letter was sold at an auction in Paris for $5,000. Now, look here.

“These were painted by Cézanne. Poor Cézanne! Throughout his life he was considered an idiot by almost everyone! When he walked the streets, the children ran after him, throwing rocks and garbage. He was called a moron and an imbecile; his paintings weren’t popular. Suddenly, after he turned fifty-one, the world began to see him for what he was—a true genius. His paintings became a sought-after commodity. See that one? That’s a portrait by Freud. I don’t like him. I think he was psychotic. He saw everything as having to do with sex. Why should I look at his work and be made to feel the same way?”

Salimat listened to him, in a total trance. She felt as if her heart was being pumped up with air like a balloon, and it was about to burst at its seams! She understood then how deeply she had fallen in love with Arthur. Salimat was so impressed with his intelligence and education! She had read about these renowned painters, and because they led such difficult lives, she felt as if there was a special connection between her and them.

After they finished looking at the paintings, Arthur and Salimat sat down in the booth.

“What will it be my friends, tea, beer or wine?” asked the waiter, smiling pleasantly.

“Wine,” answered Salimat as she looked at Arthur.

After she sipped some wine, Salimat felt dizzy with excitement. Arthur kept talking in her ear about literature, and every time she felt the touch of his body next to hers, Salimat felt as if she were being shocked with a current of electricity. She couldn’t remember if she’d ever felt so happy in her entire life! It’s as though she was truly in love for the very first time. One can wait a lifetime to experience such an abundance of love! And what a smart, handsome, educated man God has rewarded her with! Beautiful, dark-skinned Arthur!

The room was lit with candles, and Salimat couldn’t even make out if there were other people in the restaurant. They were there for two hours, and when they got up to leave Arthur firmly took her hand in his, and, squeezing it in a very sensual way, said, “Salimat, let’s go to my house. I live close by.”

Salimat nodded her head. They got into Arthur’s car and drove away.

“Welcome to my abode!” Arthur said with a smile, as he parked the car next to his house. Pushing the door open, he let Salimat in first. “Say hello to my fish! They’re the only ones waiting for me each night.” Arthur gestured toward a large aquarium by the entrance.

Arthur lived in a huge, three-story home. He took Salimat on a tour of every room. “Salimat, will you cook for me sometime? After all, this house hasn’t seen a meal prepared by a woman in a very long time...”

“I’ll make you anything you want. I’d love to cook.”

Salimat walked over to the aquarium again and stood there, looking at the fish. “They are so beautiful, Arthur. Look how graceful and fast they are. I love to swim! When I feel sad, I go to the pool and swim laps for what seems like infinity! I keep going and going, until after a while it seems like all the problems are left behind.”

“You put it so beautifully! Let me swim the waves of life alongside you, moving forth as one, forever bound together,” said Arthur as he took Salimat by the shoulders and slowly turned her to face him. “Stay here with me tonight! There is nothing but books waiting for you at home. I beg you, grant me this wish!”

Salimat felt her whole body ignite like fire from his touch. She blushed, but couldn’t utter a word. How could she stay with a man she’s only seen twice before? But then, she thought to herself, why not? Yes, she’s only met him twice, but how much time, how many hours had passed since she fell in love with him? What if this night would be her last night of love, ever? What if tomorrow, Arthur wouldn’t love her anymore? What if this night turns out to be the happiest night of her entire life? So be it, let this night of love become part of her lifetime!

She didn’t answer, and Arthur understood her silence. He took her hand and led her upstairs.

How much happiness and joy she experienced that night! She caressed and kissed his olive-skinned body. She kissed his back, his chest, his hands, and his lips. All the love and the passion bottled up inside Salimat finally burst out. Such an outpouring of emotion and feeling stunned Arthur, and he remained silent.

“I love you so much!” said Salimat, unable to contain herself. And she knew right away she shouldn’t have said it.

“Oh, everyone talks of love when they are in bed together!” replied Arthur.

Arthur’s words hurt Salimat, but how could she possibly explain to him that if she didn’t love him this night would never have happened? But, who believes in love after two dates?

Afterwards, Arthur and Salimat saw each other often. Salimat was blissfully happy. She experienced tranquility, and, as time went on, gained more faith in God. She used to pray to God for so long, asking Him to let her experience true love. Now, she was convinced that He had finally heard her and sent this handsome, olive-skinned man to her. How smart Arthur is, how intelligent, how well read! How he loves to laugh! With each passing day, Salimat felt more and more in love with Arthur. There was just one thing that was making her unhappy—Arthur had kidney disease, and as much as he tried to hide it from her, Salimat knew. He tried to make jokes, even laugh when Salimat saw that he was in great pain, and when his face would get covered with sweat. At first, he tried not to show any signs of discomfort, but when on several occasions he was jolted by sharp pain in his side, Arthur told Salimat the truth about his condition.

One night Arthur was on the couch, reading a book. Salimat came up and sat down at his feet. She cradled his feet, kissed them gently, then put them on top of her legs. Arthur looked at her in silence. He closed the book he was reading, took off his glasses, put them on the floor next to the couch, and closed his eye. Salimat gazed at him adoringly, overcome with love, studying his every breath and movement, and looked at him as if for the first time. She took his hand and brought it to her lips, then put it on her chest and looked up at the ceiling. She still couldn’t believe her luck! She often prayed silently for Arthur to love her.

A horrible feeling that Arthur would someday leave her never left Salimat’s thoughts, even when they were making love and the passion of their lovemaking took her to heights she could have never imagined. What she wouldn’t give for his eternal love! In her heart, Salimat had always searched for an educated, smart, handsome man like Arthur. She felt as if she’d loved him even before she’d found him! Her entire life was a contradiction of terms before she met Arthur—some men she didn’t love, some didn’t love her, and the ones she was repulsed by often pursued her.

Arthur opened his eyes and looked at Salimat, who didn’t feel his gaze. This relationship has gone on far too long, he thought. Yes, she’s intelligent and smart, but what do I need her for? To cook for me and do my laundry? I can do that myself. Anyway, even though I am a bit older than she, I can always find someone younger. She says she loves me, but what is it she’s so in love with? My money, my big house, or me? God only knows! The one I lived with for twenty years told me how much she loved me too, until she took all my money and left. What an idiot I am to believe that a woman is capable of true love! All of the ones I brought here told me how they loved me the first time they laid eyes on my house! Fools! They actually think I believe what they say!

Arthur turned and screamed in pain, as it shot through his body. Salimat jumped from the bed and looked at him in panic. “Arthur, Arthur, what happened? You’re as white as a sheet!” She fell to her knees and looked at him lovingly, her face showing signs of worry.

“Kidneys, my kidneys hurt,” uttered Arthur, as streaks of sweat rolled down his face. “I’m tired of waiting for a donor, of not knowing when it’ll all end.”

Salimat wiped his face with the hem of her skirt, and then slowly kissed him on his forehead, cheeks, and lips. “Arthur, you know what? How long have you been waiting for a donor? I am here. You don’t have to wait any longer. Tomorrow, we’ll go see a doctor, and arrange for an operation. I am healthy, nothing will happen to me, but you shouldn’t make light of your condition—kidney disease is a very serious matter.”

Arthur raised himself from the couch and looked suspiciously at Salimat. “What did you just say? Say it again! Would you really consider it?” He felt speechless and couldn’t make the words come out. After a minute he said, “Do you even know how much a kidney is worth? How much I‘d have to pay to buy one?”

“You don’t need to pay me anything. I am fine with what I have now, but if something were to happen to you, I’d die! I wouldn’t want to go on living without you! It’s settled, we’ll see a doctor tomorrow, I can’t stand you being in pain anymore.”

Arthur slumped back into the couch, incredulous at what he just heard. His eyes were closed, and his brain felt as if it were about to explode. Kidney, kidney! She’s giving me her kidney! I can’t believe I’ll be rid of this pain forever! But why is she doing that? What’s in it for her? Isn’t she afraid of pain? So, who does she love, my money or me? What if I were poor, would she have given me her kidney then? God, I wish she’d just name the price, I’d gladly pay it and be rid of her and this love of hers!

• • •

A month had passed since the surgery. Salimat was still very weak, and the pain never left her side. Yet, she was ecstatically happy, because Arthur was healthy again. He visited her, and she found ultimate joy in seeing him laugh, joke, and otherwise radiate pure happiness. God, just keep him healthy and I’ll be all right, she thought to herself.

One night, Salimat stayed at Arthur’s house, and even though he was his jovial, talkative self, she felt as though something had changed in him. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but later, when it was time to go to sleep, Arthur became cold and withdrawn.

“Salimat, I don’t feel well, I think I’ll sleep in the next room.”

Salimat didn’t understand right away what had happened. But when Arthur went into another room and locked the door behind him with a key, the magnitude of what had just happened really hit her. She didn’t sleep at all that night, as she was struggling to understand what had happened.

The next morning, Arthur seemed his old self again, polite and gentle. He made tea for Salimet, and as they were eating breakfast he said, “Salimet, I have to go away on business for a few days. I’ll be back on Tuesday, so please call me then at 6 P.M. I’ll miss you terribly!”

They drove to Salimet’s house in silence. Arthur parked his car; Salimet kissed him on the lips and stepped out. Without saying a word, Arthur sharply pulled away from the curb and

sped off. Salimet felt a cold chill in her heart and a feeling that she would never see Arthur again. She was crushed, stunned with that realization!

Next three days seemed like eternity for Salimat. She couldn’t think of anything else, her thoughts constantly brought images of Arthur, of how happy and warm he used to be, and how cold and distant he’ become. She wanted to understand what brought on such change, but she couldn’t.

On Tuesday, Salimat could do nothing else but stare at the phone and the clock above it. She couldn’t wait for the evening to arrive when she hoped she’d hear Arthur’s cheerful, tender voice again.

She rang Arthur’s house at precisely 6 P.M., but no one picked up. He must be late getting home, she thought. She called again later, but, again, there was no answer. There will never be any answer from the other side, she suddenly realized. Salimat knew then that Arthur was home, and now she understood why he had asked her to call him—once he saw that the call was from her, he would not pick it up. She felt as if her heart and soul had been stabbed with a sharp knife. The pain became so unbearable that she literally couldn’t breathe. Salimat realized that Arthur’s feelings for her had disappeared, like snow in spring. Did he ever have feelings for me at all? she thought.

Why did his smile and his affectionate jokes mean so much to her? If he weren’t honest, how could he behave in such loving manner toward her? She would’ve loved him even if he hadn’t been so charming! Why, she thought, did Arthur need her love anyway? Is she the only woman whoflet that way about him? No, Salimat thought, no man of integrity could do such a thing! Yet how cold and withdrawn he was in the car that night...

Salimat fell on top of the bed and screamed from the pain. After a while, she gotup and went to a huge mirror that hung on the wall. She kept looking at herself as if seeing her image for the first time.

My youth is gone, I’m not as pretty as I used to be. What does he need me for? Why would someone as handsome and strong as Arthur love me? Maybe he doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what suffering means? My entire life I’ve known nothing but pain and suffering. I wrote my books about happiness because I’ve never known what it feels like to be truly happy, I wrote about love because no one really has loved me, at least not the ones I loved anyway!

Salimat walked to the next room moving slowly as if her legs weighed a ton. She stood before an image of Jesus Christ that hung from the wall, knelt down, clasped her hands and began to pray. “God Almighty, people ask You for riches, gold, money. I don’t need any of that; just let me have Arthur, please! Help me this one time, I beg of You! I can’t live with this betrayal! I’d rather die than go through this pain! Am I to believe that this was just a game for him? If he didn’t need me, then why did he pursue me? I kissed his feet, and he cast me off. I don’t even have a picture of him! Jesus, how can this be, how can I go on without Arthur?”

Slaimat got up and went to the bookcase. She sat on the floor, resting her head on books. Tears of despair and pain slowly rolled down her cheeks. Where’s he? Where’s my kind, caring, brilliant Arthur? Why did he laugh so much? Where did his boisterous laughter disappear?

Salimat struggled to understand how someone who loved and understood Dreiser and Hugo could do something so inconceivably low. Her brain and her entire being could not and would not accept that a man who had read and loved Dreiser and Hugo wouldn’t love her, Salimat, too!

She opened her eyes and pulled out arandom book form the bookcase. She glanced at the cover and saw Madame Bovary by Flaubert staring back at her. Salimat felt the picture smiling sadly at her, as if saying, “I’m not alolne, I’m not alone, you’re just as unhappy as I am!” Salimat shrieked with sobs, threw the book against the wall, and began throwing books out of the bookshelf and onto the floor, all the while weeping hysterically. “It’s all your fault! You ruined my life! I read all of you, lived in your world for too long, and what did that do for me? I can’t live in the real world with real world with real people!”

Salimat stayed at home for the whole week. She waited for Arthur’s call, never taking her eyes off the phone. When it rang, she jumped with excitement and anticipation, and ran to lift the receiver after the first ring. Every time it was someone else, and she could hardly contain herself from throwing the phone out the window.

Salimat came to realize that Arthur was not truly as jovial and caring as she once thought, but she couldn’t come to terms with the idea that such a smart and intelligent man would stoop so low. Why did he pursue me, just to have a few nights of passion? she wondered. Since Arthur had stopped calling her, Salimat had lost sleep, her appetite, and her zest for life. She was numb inside, her feelings have become dull as if her very soul has died. She had been writing a novel for the past six months, but now it seemed like a distant past. Why was she writing? For whom? What love is there? Has she ever known this love? Maybe she should write about her love for Arthur? She became convinced long ago that she would never fall in love; so how did she manage to get involved in this mess? Why didn’t she see Arthur didn’t want her? He was too preoccupied with himself to notice anyone else. She knew and understood that Arthur didn’t trust her love for him, but who believes in love after two dates? Such love existed only on paper, in her world! She knew it to be true !

• • •

Another fan letter arrived in the mail. “Since I read your book I can’t keep you out of my mind or my heart. I just have to meet you...” Salimat couldn’t go on. She scrunched it to shreds and threw it out the window. These were Arthur’s first words to her. She felt she had heard enough lies. Though, maybe Arthur hadn’t really misled her? Could she blame him for not falling in love with her?

Restlessness now came upon her, and Salimat had to get out of the house. After so many sleepless nights she was weak. She got dressed, went outside, and as she walked she thought to herself, Now I won’t even know if Arthur called. She could lie to herself that he did call, but no one was home. Salimat walked the streets aimlessly, and every time she’d see a car that resembled Arthur’s, her heart would skip a beat. Is that Arthur, is he looking for me? But Arthur wasn’t looking for her anymore.

Salimat found herself walking towards a café where she first saw Arthur. She walked in, looked at the table where they had sat together that day. Then she walked to the restaurant where Arthur took her on their first date, went up to the paintings hung. Arthur stood in front of Van Gogh’s Dutch Miner painting, holding the hand of a young, pretty woman next to him. Salimat felt her heart stop. She couldn’t make herself move, she just stood there, in shock. Suddenly, she felt sharp pain in her heart and grasped her chest with her left hand. The pain continued all the way, down to the spot from which the kidney was removed. She grabbed there with her right hand, and at that moment Arthur gently embraced the young woman, turned his head to Paul Gaugain paintings, and his eyes met Salimat’s. Nothing in his appearance or demeanor changed. He pretended as though they had never met, and gazed past her. Her face turned white, she lowered her eyes, and holding onto the flaming place where her kidney used to be, she slowly walked out of the restaurant.

Salimat went to the nearby church. She stood before the image of God in silence, unable to breathe or move. Huge tears rolled down her cheeks, and Salimat heard herself utter, “Let me die, Jesus, just let me die! Have pity on my soul, I beg You!”

After a while she left the church and walked behind it to a small cemetery. Salimat walked among the headstones, stopped and read the messages of love written on them, all the while murmuring, “How I envy you! How lucky you are, you just don’t know it! You are not in pain, no one can betray you anymore!”

• • •

Fully clothed, with shoes on, Salimat walked in to the river. As she pushed forward, the waters seemed to push her away, as if to not let her through, but Salimat kept on, going deeper and deeper in.

Suddenly, she stopped, raised her head to the sky, and said in a clear voice, “The clever game of love and kindness that Arthur played on me has come to an end. God Almighty! What sin did I commit to deserve this?

Why did You send Arthur to me? Why did You allow him to play this cruel game with my life? He’s a happy man; he doesn’t understand someone else’s pain! He doesn’t understand love; he doesn’t need love, why did You send him to me? If he had no need for me, how did he manage to find me? What did he need those few nights of passion for? Nothing, absolutely nothing! But I, I fell in love with him! Maybe for the first time in my life I loved a man so passionately! I begged You, God, to let me have Arthur! But You were deaf to my prayers! Maybe You love me? Then take me, let me die, let me die! Is it too much to ask? My body hasn’t healed from the surgery yet, but Arthur is already dating someone else!”

Salimat covered her face with both hands, and a sound came from beneath her hands like that of a wounded animal. The waves kept pushing her away, but she wouldn’t back down. Looking upward again, she exclaimed, “Oh, God! I’ve suffered a lot in my life. I have no strength left to go on, to fight for my life! I never thought I could love anyone again until I met

Arthur! I loved him with everything I had, and there is no one on this Earth I am capable of ever loving again. I just don’t understand why. If You didn’t want me to have him, why did You send him to me in the first place? Do you think I haven’t suffered enough? Why do I even bother asking You anyway? I’m stronger than You! I don’t need You anymore! I’ll never be unhappy again! I’ll never be in pain again! Today, I did get rid of all that is making me miserable! Today and forever, I’m free! Freedom, at last! Arthur, once you wanted to swim the waves of life with me, but you’ve already forgotten me!”

Salimat became quiet again, looked around at the waves. “Great waves! All my life I loved to swim! Please, take me into eternity, don’t ever let me go back! Fill with water the wounds left by Arthur, make me whole again! Arthur, let me be the last woman in your life who’s ever truly loved you so! May you only know women who’re food for a night’s fun!”

Salimat’s eyes moved slowly upward. “Dear God! Please forgive me for all my sins! Punish me by giving me all the ills and misery that await Arthur! Keep him happy! Grant him as much happiness as all of the pain and hurt that You have thrown into my life! May God love you, Arthur, like I loved you! I hope you never know the pain you’ve caused me! I envy the woman who’ll be able to see you every day! I can’t live without you! You were my last, great, true love! Why did you forget me so soon, Arthur?”

Tears rolled down her cheeks as Salimat slowly receded into the water. The waves picked her up, got a strong hold of her, and took her forward into infinity.

P.S. We don’t always know why we love, but we almost always know why we don’t love!!!

Translated by M. Treper

April 1999