Chapter

 39

 I hand washed the clothes I wore today during the frightening experience on Mathews’ couch.  The Mickey Mouse shirt, everything, is hanging in the bathroom now, dripping away whatever residue may still be left from the session …the experience that Mathews assured me was the catharsis he had hoped for from the beginning.

As I lie here in the bungalow, half awake, half asleep, I feel more tired than I can ever remember. There is a faint, ever so faint a sound of drums in the distance. Ta ta ta tah ta ta tah ta ta tah ta ta tah.  As I faded fast now, along with the drums, I was hit with a strange waft, the familiar smell of candles from a distance.  Sleep finally.

Ringing. Ringing. I groggily reached for the phone, thinking it was Sara. “Only for you would I even reach for the phone at this hour.”

“Sounds like you had a good night, Charles.”

I forced my eyelids open and squinted at the clock. “My God, Mathews. I thought it was Sara. It’s only eight o’clock.”

“Got a heavy load today and wanted to reach you before it all started. Charles, I went over the Sobel papers you asked me to look at. I’ve got my attorney going over them as we speak, but I think he’s going to find them in order...and that could possibly put you in trouble...possibly.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The partnership’s P & L statement. Now I don’t want you to get upset, but I’ve already checked with my broker this morning and he’s checked out the fair market value of a substantial group of foreign holdings, buildings D.S.R. sold off on Charlie Stevens’ behalf last fall and, well, it’s far below market value. Forty to fifty million below.”

I sat up now. I was wide-awake and thinking what a dummy I was. I didn’t even know the intelligent thing to ask and I was the partner. I did know that I didn’t want any more to do with Charlie. “So?”

“So? Is that all you’ve got to say. So?”

“Mathews, I don’t understand all this real estate, fair market value stuff. I’m sure the sale was for an important reason. How would I know any different? They’re the pros. That’s why I signed the power of attorney renewal so they could take care of business like... “

“That’s the other thing. I briefly brought my attorney up to date and we both agreed; you’ve got to revoke the power of attorney.”

“What? What are you talking about? Take it back?”

“That’s exactly what I mean. Mike said, that’s the broker my attorney conferred with, he said something’s not right. This sale changes everything for you. Again, I don’t want to upset you, but your signature is on all the partnership papers now. If there’s any problems, any fuzzy math, you’re liable. Do you understand?”

“I understand what you’re saying. I just lost my memory, not my brains, remember? So what are we supposed to do...oh, God. I don’t need this.”

“Mike suggests you get on a plane and check out the sale yourself, after—and this has to be done immediately—after you send Sobel a letter of revocation.”

I was up out of bed now, the phone pressed firmly against my ear and looking in the mirror at what was just five minutes ago a man almost home. “Just when I seemed to be getting somewhere...I don’t know how to put..”

“I figured you wouldn’t. It’s a fairly standard form letter, Charles, and you’ve already admitted you haven’t an attorney, right?”

“That hasn’t been one of my priorities lately.”

“Right. So I’ll confirm our thoughts with my attorney about these papers and have him take care of it, if that’s all right with you, of course.”

“Hey...of course. What am I supposed to say? This is one hell of a wake up call.  Look, Mathews, I appreciate it and all, but... “

“You’ve got to take the responsibility for yourself, I know. I’m the one that told you that remember? You’re doing fine so far, but part of being responsible in business is getting professional help. My broker and attorney have been in charge of my affairs for 20 years. So I know you’re okay with them and Charles...I’m not doing this for any other reason than you’re my patient—the craziest sane man I’ve ever met, too—so I need to do whatever is necessary to get you whole again. In a way, I don’t have much of an escape route either.”

“Thanks. Thanks a lot, doctor. I know you’d rather be doing anything else than this legal stuff right now, so...thanks.”

“If you saw my next patient, you might think twice about that last statement. Look, Charles, I think it’s important you move quickly with this liability thing looming over you, so have the hotel book you a flight and I’ll have Mike set you up with one of his firm’s associates there so you can get some advice. I’m late for this session. Gotta run.”

“Hey, wait a minute. Where am I booking a ticket?”

“Hong Kong. Talk to you this afternoon.” Click.

It was a long moment...probably a very long moment before I put the phone down. “Hong Kong?”

As I started to shave, I reminded myself that I wasn’t going to let anything, including some real estate in Hong Kong, prevent me from seeing Sara. Being a boy growing up—that’s how Mathews had characterized my blockage once—I knew I was probably the thirty years my face suggested, even though my hormones felt like something much younger.

My insides had taken a beating the last few days and when Sara had suggested we spend the day just being kids, my response was “Great. Where? When?”

I was about to pick her up for a day at the circus and as I rinsed my face, I glanced at the bottle of New York medication and wondered if it was necessary any longer. I dried my face and peered into the mirror. It was my friend now. The image was smiling back, telling me Sara was all the relaxation I was going to need today.

I pocketed the pills with me anyway...just in case.

I didn’t know why wheeling the Harley through the curves of Sunset Boulevard had brought it on, but the closer I got to her house, the more I felt I might lose her. She might go away again and not come back. It was another short-lived anxiety as...

She opened the door and leapt into my arms, hugging and kissing me like I was a returning war veteran. “God, I missed you,” she whispered in my ear.

I took a breath of the perfume I had missed, “Giving up the past is nothing compared to what it would feel like to ever have to give you up.” I held her face in my hands. Our eyes were tearing with the joy of being together again. We stood there, gazing into a moment of our lives where nothing else mattered. Separation had served to intensify whatever it was that bound us together.

The Santa Ana winds had cleaned out the air and we were savoring every breath as we made our way to the Santa Monica Pier and her suggestion for the day...The Moscow Circus.

Her arms were holding me tightly around the waist as we motored along. I turned slightly over my shoulder to nuzzle her head hugging my back and my eyes were suddenly seeing the yellow divider line...only this time, there wasn’t any fog to obscure.

I forced my eyes away.

A second glance confirmed it.

The continual rushing past of the yellow line point of view I saw in my session with Mathews could have only been seen by someone riding on the back of the Harley...a head tucked to avoid the wind draft.

It was difficult not thinking about the yellow lines of the past and who might have been driving the Harley with me as… passenger?

Coming up in the distance were the brightly colored flags of the pier along with the inviting smell of the sea air mixed with the cotton candy and hot dogs. That made it easier...for now.

I found my hand in hers, walking the many aisles leading into and away from the mirage-like setting on the sand. The child in me was not only being allowed by Sara, it was being nurtured.

I hadn’t any reference to clowns, animals, or brightly sequined costumes adorning young men and women. I was equally unprepared to deal with the children and parents moving excitedly about, their hands filled with peanuts, ice cream, Cracker Jack, and slushies. Small children with their parents...

As we arrived at a spot to watch the parade of acts about to enter the big top, Sara turned to me. “Enjoy, Charles. Wherever you came from, there was probably a circus.” She kissed me on the cheek and adjusted her hand in mine. It was firm, strong, and made me feel I could let myself go and not be self-conscious...and that is what I did.

It was a parade full of colors, beautiful people and animals, especially bears, bears and more bears. I thought back at the stuffed animals at F.A.O. Schwartz in New York. From toy store to the real thing. “What more could a young child ask for?” I shouted to Sara above the cheering and clapping.

“I don’t know. Tell me,” she yelled back, her face smiling as broadly as the painted faces of the clowns.

I took her in my arms and forgot the little boy I was living out for a moment. I pressed her close to me and nuzzled my face into her ear, close enough for her to understand how deep the whispered reply was coming from, “I’ll tell you. When I grow up I want to marry you, Sara.”

She held my head close to her own, “I know...I know.”

As I kissed her tears away, I hoped I was drinking from a vessel that would never run dry. I was seeing the dancing bears and the plodding elephants marching with the troupe of musicians playing their tubas, drums, trumpets and trombones. And all the while, everyone was surrounded by happy parents and children...people whose experiences seemed so far removed from my own. They reminded me over and over the value of living the moment. Certainly, these cheery, carefree people had bad times too. Certainly, they would find storms ahead. But right now, they were taking in the joy of being together, and adding their little bit of love to the excitement of the event. I didn’t think today’s experience could get any better, but Sara had yet another surprise.