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Stephen W. Pollard

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     My latest short story series entry "Keystone Bay / Wednesday October 24, 2001" finds Michael Walker and Daniel Gennings wanting to improve upon their upcoming CD project and their concert tour. They decide to call on fellow country singer Alicia Reynolds to see if she would want to collaborate on some songs and possibly accompany them some on their concert tour, but they find that their best intentions have gone awry when Alicia Reynolds makes it obvious that she does not want to be bothered with them and apparently thinks that she is far better than they are.

 KEYSTONE BAY


When The Best Intentions Go Awry

 

Wednesday October 24 2001

Broomall, Pennsylvania

 

Michael Walker and Daniel Gennings had been working on their upcoming CD, trying to tweak their songs that they had come up with. Also they were trying to plan a concert tour for the upcoming 2002 year.

 

Both Michael and Daniel were still concerned with their creativity, trying to figure out just what their fans would want to hear in the way of songs and who they could team up with on their tour.

 

Michael had suggested that they call Alicia Reynolds to see if she could provide some creative help and also they wanted to she if she would like to join them in some of the cities during their tour.

 

Michael went ahead and called Alicia Reynolds to see if she had any interest in helping them out. So it was agreed upon that they would meet up at the Sunflower Garden Restaurant near the Lawrence Park section of Broomall, since she lived there with her husband Philadelphia Diamonds baseball player, 2nd baseman Rick Randolph over in the Lake Palmer area of Broomall.

 

Michael and Daniel arrived at the Sunflower Garden Restaurant and were seated by the hostess. She asked if they wanted to order anything yet and they said to her that they were waiting for a client. A few minutes later Alicia Reynolds arrived and the hostess led her to the table where Michael and Daniel were sitting. The hostess asked them if they were ready to order anything and Daniel replied, “We are waiting for someone arrive, but we’re not sure if she will be wanting to order anything from the menu”.

 

The 21 year old petite 5’3” songbird with sparking blue eyes, shoulder length naturally curly brunet hair, with the singing voice of an angel was pleasantly greeted by Michael and Daniel, both of whom got up to greet and shake her hand, speaking very politely to her, thanking her for coming.

 

Sitting down in their seats, both Michael and Daniel noticed that Alicia was a bit tense, terse and uptight. She displayed an attitude that was flowing like water and they were not sure that she really wanted to be there, even though she was basically on her home turf where she grew up.

 

Michael spoke up saying, “We really are impressed with your outstanding collection of Country and Pop Hits, Daniel and myself were wondering if you wanted to collaborate on some songs or join us sometime while we are on our concert tour.

 

Frankly displaying annoyance, Alicia said, “I thank you for considering me, but I really do not collaborate on songs or join other recording artists on tour. The only singer that I work together with on songs and join me on my concert tours is my cousin Asleigh Gannon”.

 

Daniel, surprised, spoke up saying, “You’re Ashleigh Gannon’s cousin”? Continuing, Daniel explained, “I met your cousin Ashleigh at a party hosted by our road manager and agent, Ryan Davies”.

 

Alicia tersely spoke up saying rather rudely, “Yeah, Ashleigh told me about him, but I’ am not interested in working with him, even though he approached me through Ashleigh, my career is already set, I have had enough top 10 Country Music and even Pop Music song hits, I am already established, so if I do work with someone, it will be my cousin Ashleigh, we try to keep it in our family. I hope that you understand where I am coming from on that subject.

 

Daniel then asked Alicia, “Did you hear our song “Olivia” on the radio, it has been number 1 for the last 3 weeks”. “I hear a lot of songs sung by singers that have reached number 1, I’ve had 9 number 1’s and have been in the Top 10 with 15 songs since I started singing professionally back in 1997. You guys had been struggling as solo artists but wrote hits for everyone else. So then you guys formed a vocal duo and all of a sudden you have a Number 1” song”.

 

Sitting there listening to Alicia, Michael and Daniel were silent, sitting there in total shock as she droned on with her ridicule of them. Finally, Alicia said that she had to go meet up with her husband Rick Randolph, and thanked them both for their time, and they thanked her too, and then she got up and left the restaurant.

 

Michael and Daniel were sitting at the table in stone silence. Finally Michael said, “Apparently she doesn’t think too much of us, you could just feel her rude disdain towards us, it was just like her sticking her nose up at us and getting slapped in the face by her”. Then Michael added, “Maybe she’s related to your old girlfriend Olivia’s family”.

 

“She might sing like an Angel , but she has the attitude of the Devil”, responded Michael, adding, “That nice “Girl Next Door” personna is just hype to sell CD’s”.

 

After some thought Michael then commented. “I think one of the reasons that Alicia was annoyed with us is that our song “Olivia” knocked her song “Looking For Adventure” out of the number 1 spot on the charts”.

 

Daniel, after a quiet pause said, “I guess we found some good material for our CD project”. Michael nodding in approval remarked, “yep, that ought to put the finishing touches on it. I would guess that Ryan Davies will be checking up on us soon and inquiring about our progress.

 

The waitress returned to their table and inquired if they still were going to order anything from the menu and Michael responded “Yes, we’re here, so we might as well make good use of our time”.


 

 

 

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Reviewed by Sandie May Joyce (Sandie Angel) 7/11/2021
My personal opinion is that you deliver extremely weak dialogues. I think you need to read more of the other authors about how dialogues are delivered.

Your excessive description of the unnecessary details is beyond me. Who cares about when they want to order the food? If you go into a restaurant, of course, you're going to sit down somewhere, and you're going to eat; otherwise, you would not have gone into a restaurant. You did not need to tell your readers they were seated by the hostess as if the hostess plays an important part in the story. You do not even have to mention they weren't going to order yet, this is not a big deal in the story. They will be ordering some food eventually. The waitress is a NOBODY in the story, she does not have to play an important part in the chapter! Those excessive details of whether or not to order the food and telling the waitress they don't know what the other person is going to order need to be struck out. In my opinion, you write your summary better than you write the chapter.

Please read work from other authors on how they deliver their dialogues.

You are still parading short sentences/paragraphs. Try linking them together by picking out your main point of delivery of those paragraphs. Find out the main point of those few paragraphs and deliver it in as few words as possible. (That's how you link them together)

After Alicia left, please use "What a bitch!" somewhere in the conversation to start the dialogues, because that's what she is to them. You need to deliver Michael's and Daniel's emotions and express how they would feel about Alicia's rudeness to them right after she has left.

Sandie

Reviewed by Ronald Hull 7/10/2021
I haven't read the rest of your chapters but I would describe this one as, "stiff." The descriptions are very mundane and every day. And even the conversations are not very lively. So I don't get any action during the brief periods of conversation. It is though the actors are cardboard rather than real.

Sorry but that's my estimation from reading. You may feel the same way about my writing. That's okay. I'm still working on it to improve.

Ron

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