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Stephen W. Pollard

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     In my latest short story posting "Keystone Bay / Friday June 28, 2002" finds Ryan Davies very annoyed with Keystone Bay member Daniel Gennings for his behavior at local posh restaurant where he committed a serious Faux Pas in an unfortunate dust up with his well known local country music DJ and girlfriend Alicia Falsington over a friendship with a local successful business entrepreneur, resulting in a stern rebuke from the Keystone Bay's group manager who tells him he needs to apologize to his girlfriend.

 

Keystone Bay

 

Ryan Lectures Daniel

Friday June 28, 2002

Springfield, Pennsylvania

 

There was a local news story that was making the rounds that angered and concerned Ryan Davies very much and he knew that he had to do something about it.

 

The reason behind it was that Ryan Davies was particularly angry was because of Daniel Gennings, for his recent public spat with local country music radio DJ and girlfriend Felicia Falsington, more so, because they were out on the town at a local posh restaurant “Billy’s” in Havertown where they were seen in the middle of a heated argument over a friend of Alicia’s, Gary Rankin, a local successful business entrepreneur, a story that made it to all of the local newspapers.

 

A few days later after hearing about the incident, Ryan called Daniel in to his house to discuss this major digression “Faux Pas”, asking him to explain what was the purpose of creating a scene in a public place. Daniel told Ryan that he felt Alicia had backstabbed and cheated on him after it had looked like they had the ultimate relationship.

 

Ryan, who was none too pleased, asked Daniel what was he trying to do, undo everything that the group had achieved. Then Ryan said to Daniel. “You disgraced us with your public scene. I guess you did not think that it was going to reflect on the rest of us, we could lose our fan base because of your stunt, did you think how it could have an affect on our record play and sales, I’m out there trying to get you guys the best exposure and playing gigs and you’re headed for headline news, what you did makes my job that much more difficult."

 

Daniel did not even defend himself, staying mum over the subject of his behavior.

 

Then Ryan continued, “What do I have to do, take your place while you get your head straightened out”. Then Ryan said, “Your girlfriend has opened many doors for us, without her, we would be nothing”. Pausing for a moment, Ryan then said, “Get your act together, you go apologize to her, you hear me."

 

Once again, Daniel did not say a word, just hung his head down, then walked toward the door, opened it, then closed it on his way out of Ryan’s house.

 

A little bit later, Ryan, , after some thought about the production of the new CD album that the group was working on began wondering how far they had gotten along in completing it.

 

Ryan picked up his cell phone and punched in Michael Walker’s number. When Michael answered the phone, Ryan said to him, “Can you give me an update on the progress of the CD album."

 

Michael replied, “We’re close to completing the production”. Ryan who was in a serious frame of mind, said, “I guess you heard about the dust up that Daniel had with Alicia?”

 

Michael spoke up saying, “Yeah, both Denise and myself felt very disappointed in Daniel, and we both thought, here we go again with his irrational relationships with women once again."

 

“See if you can light a fire under him”, Ryan said to Michael”, adding, “This whole situation with him is giving me a bad premonition”, Then Ryan asked, “Didn’t you guys complete a previous CD album, but put it on the back burner for the new material."

 

Michael answered, “Yes, it has been completed and is ready whenever it is decided among us that it’s time to release it to the radio and record market."

 

Ryan then replied, “That’s good, because if the situation becomes dicey and dire, then everything falls apart on us, we can use that if there is a lengthy interruption because of one of his setbacks and it leads to another episode of depression."

 

Ryan then told Michael, “Oh, yes, by the way, I called him on the carpet and had a serious chat with him about how his behavior could potentially set the group back and have a negative effect on our fan base and potential sales, that Felicia has opened doors for us that without her help we would not have achieved what we have."

 

“Did he respond in any way?", asked Michael, inquisitively.

 

“Except for saying that Alicia backstabbed and cheated on him, he didn’t really respond, just held his head down, then when I was finished with lecturing him, he walked out the door, and I would presume that called Felicia to apologize for his behavior. "

 

Michael responded with, “Well, he, himself is the blame, him only, what he did was uncalled for and should have known better”. Michael was shaking his head, then continued, saying, “He should have asked questions first, then acted out if it was appropriate, and I doubt very much that his response was anything near appropriate”. Pausing, Michael then added, Felicia being treated like that would drive her quickly into another man’s arms."

 

Ryan said, “OK buddy, I will catch up with you tomorrow at the music festival."

 

 

(C)     2022


 

 

 

 

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Reviewed by Sandie May Joyce 4/26/2022
Hi Stephen:

Since you've asked me to review this chapter after I have already placed my comment below, I am under the impression that you are asking me for my thoughts on this story.

So far as I can see, this chapter does have a storyline. I feel that this chapter could be split into two chapters.

The spat between Daniel and his girlfriend could have been written in another earlier chapter, with actions and interactions between the characters. One of the things that would capture readers' attention is writing about things that have happened as if they are really happening before our eyes. Descriptive of an event after it has happened is never the same as writing about the event as if it is happening. (This is just my own opinion. You may not agree to it.)

If you take all the events of your story and write them as if they're happening, you'll add more "action" and "interaction" between your characters. That will even allow your readers to connect better with the characters. It will also add word counts to your story.

Also, please strike out the unnecessary adverbs in a sentence - like the word "particularly" - for it is just a waste of space in that sentence. The sentences will do just fine without that word. Always write in direct sentences.

There are some places that still need editing. If you have taken the time to really read through the chapter after you've posted it you will find them.

Thanks for putting your trust in me to review your work! I hope I have not offended you in any way.

Happy writing!

Sandie :)
Reviewed by Sandie May Joyce (Sandie Angel) 4/26/2022
Hi Stephen:

This story is getting more interesting and I am happy that I can tell you have put a lot of thoughts and work into this chapter.

However, I noticed you have put the ending punctuation after the ending quotation marks whenever the speaker asks a question, or whenever you want to close off a speaker's sentence and that is not the way to do.
.
The ending punctuation should always go before the ending quotation marks and not after.

If you are not sure, just read other authors' posts where there are dialogues and you'll get the idea.

Sandie

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