Okay. So there are some things you need to know. So you don't make the same mistakes I did. Because I don't want you going through what I did. No one should have to. Especially. you.

     So.... Cruise ship to the Bahamas, right? Single woman. Guarenteed place to meet men! I go up to the lounge in my brand new white sleeveless shift; the one that fits me so well? I see a good looking man across the room smiling at me. I smile back at him, nothing too obvious. The next minute the lights dim and guess who's standing in the spotlight, grinning?

     "Good evenin ladies and gentlemen! How you'all doin tonight? Are you ready for some entertainment? My name is Steve and I'm here to welcome you aboard. And I hope you don't get a-bored with me! (some groans from the tables here). "Since we're a new group, we could all use a little meet and greet!"

     He's carrying this synthesizer over his shoulder, and cues up Getting to Know You. I mean, is this guy for real? One thing I do admire, though, he's not afraid of making an ass out of himself. I admire this in a man. Steve goes to the front table and right away he's talking to this couple. Where are you from? Do you have any kids? How long have you been together? What do you do for a living? The guy says he's a cop. Steve puts his hands up like this and says "Hands up!  Don't shoot!"  and a few people laugh, sort of, but it dies down, because there's been so much stuff in the news these days about cops shooting innocent people that it's kind of in bad taste. "Just kiddin!" Steve says. And he moves a few tables down.

     "How about you, madam? What is your line of work?" She says she's a lawyer. "Well don't sue me for askin! Or at least don't quote me. This is strictly off the record. Or, if its on the record, I hope its a good record". He cues up and sings Please Release Me Let Me Go, For I Want a Divorce or Don't You Know". He does get laughs for this, he's okay making a fool of himself, he'll say anything, he's good at improv, and he is really good looking.

     Then he comes over to me. "What's your story, young lady?" I tell him I'm a receptionist. "Receptive to what, exactly? Guys with fast cars? Handsome guys with fast cars? Funny handsome guys with fast cars? How about guys with money and fast cars who are handsome and  funny?" He waits for my answer so I say, more to the audience, is that the best you've got? which I know he'll eat up.

     "Excuse me, oh receptive one. Of course that is not my best. I use up the worst stuff first, then I dish out the good stuff".

     So I reply, "okay, serve it up!".

     "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a live one here! The lady says 'Serve it up!' Well let me tell you about me. I wasn't always a one man band and I didn't always work on a criuse ship. How many people here have heard of Steely Dan? Okay, they had nothing to do with me".

    "Rock and Roll, Hoochee-co. Lordie Mamma, light my fuse!" in a fake rocker falsetto. "Yeah, I wanted to be a rocker back in the day. I had the whole Elvis thing goin on.The hair, the moves, everything but the voice. When they heard me, my audience started singing Return to Sender! " Then Steve bends over and whispers to me to meet him after the show. "That's some very OOOLALA perfume you're wearing Ms Receptive.

     So I meet him, right? What could go wrong? He's corny, he has a great smile, we'll have fun. But something strange happens when he's offstage. He is no longer funny, fun or even energetic. The man is a manic depressive and he is suicidal the whole time I'm dating him. Which was not long. Two overdoses were enough for me.

     Next stop, A Singles Dance. I go with my girlfriend from work and we overhear a man behind us. "All I want to do is get laid and all they want to do is talk!" We look at each other as this guy slithers over to us, smirking. I look straight at him and say "I've been with an alcoholic, a drug addict, a manic depressive, a convict, a compulsive liar. What could you possibly offer me? So, get this, he says, "a romantic getaway in upstate New York. A cabin in the woods, just the two of us". And he puts his tongue down my throat. When I get my mouth back, I tell him "I wouldn't trust you to walk me across the street!" 

     The next minute I feel a hand on my shoulder and this stranger tells the tongue that we're together. His name was Raymond, and he takes me out to this beautiful dinner. Over the next few days we hike, take pictures of each other walking under a covered bridge, we go to the movies, and I offer to make him supper and homemade pie at my house. Raymond sents me a text  the next day:

     I don't want your supper. I don't want your dessert. I am going overseas and I will never be in this area again. Good bye.

    I go back to the Singles Dance the next week and see him with three women surrounding him. He sees me but doesn't even say hi. I am furious but mostly hurt. I slam out of there, which only makes it easy for Raymond. Overseas my ass. What kind of man would do this?

     Which brings me to Online Dating. And let me just say that this experience, with rare exceptions, is like walking inside the mind of a colony of idiots. The obvious guys take pictures of themselves without shirts, holding glasses of wine. Is that supposed to entice me to have sex with you? Or the guys who invite you to "take a chance". The man with tatoos all over his body was just creepy. The guy who called himself Dasher didn't seem right. Who wants to date a reindeer?

     My conclusion, because you're my sister, and because I truly do love you, is to recognize that the dating world is one big CON and if you can find one person who cares for you, make sure he's not on stage pretending, make sure he's not mentally ill, make sure if he takes you to dinner its more than his ego he is feeding, that he is not collecting women like trophies at the Singles Dance to make up for some insecurity you have no idea he's harboring. Be careful, be true to yourself, remember your value, your worth, your grace, and go home.