Taken from what is purported to be ‘God’s’ earliest thoughts on configuring human life...

By Dr. Prof. Humbert Liebesjunge, PhL (Göttingen Institute of Ancient History, Göttingen DE). Excerpted from ‘Hümbuggerei Tagebuch'', Vol. XXIVII

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[Editorial Explanatory Note: I frequently have bizarre dreams. At wee, obscure hours of the late night or early morning I often become instantly awake. Invariably, at such moments I am cursed with absolutely razor-sharp recall of exactly where my mind has been wandering in Somnus’s (AKA: Hypnos) myriad caverns of misty subconscious associations and FORTUNATELY most of them manage to resubmerge and become permanently lost to further recollection. The following is one notable exception that bears dubious rescusitation…]

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Very recently, an announcement was made by a Western archaeologist (Dr. Prof. PF Herkelbert zu und von Scheissenheimer of the University of Heidelberg) who is heading a team excavating and exploring the Golasthesine Caves site in the Golan Heights (Israel/Palestine), that his team had uncovered what he described as “substantive fragments” of what appears to be a shocking new and heretofore undiscovered biblical narrative (in ancient Aramaic script, written on very old parchment scrolls) apparently intended to be part of the Old Testament Book of Genesis!

If true, his discovery has far-reaching, almost previously unimagined consequences for our understanding of the erstwhile Christian biblical ‘Creation Story’.

After a considerable amount of translational work was done at the Yale Ancient Languages Institute, subsequent to the transportation of these fragments to America for exhaustive examination and analysis by university scholars, a rough preliminary transcript of the deciphered text was just released this past week and it promises to rather seriously shake up the existing conceptual paradigm, to say the least. I have quoted a few sections of it below for your edification.

But by way of a preface to the actual translation, let me say that the inference underlying its theme is the suggestion that when God created Heaven and earth, he wasn’t acting alone in his previously assumed capacity of the solitary Supreme Being of the Entire Cosmos. As far as has thus far been ascertained, the further suggestion has arisen that he may have had a sort of ‘Beratungsausschuss‘ (‘cabinet’ or Advisory Council of Supreme Wisdom) that he may have drawn upon substantively in his creation work (astounding as that concept may be!).

How or why this mysterious ‘council’ came into being is still shrouded in the deepest of conjectural mysteries at this point, pending further evaluation of the material found and a more comprehensive translation of what it contains; it almost goes without saying that the implications for clearly compounding and complicating what has for centuries been a simple Christian article of Canon Faith are enormous!

The following material has been taken from the early, rough context of this ancient writing by the Yale scholars and put into a more modern vernacular form so that it may be more easily understood by contemporary, non-academic laymen:

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GOD: “After much thought I’ve decided to populate this world I’ve created with an intelligent life form…(missing fragments)…a basic simulacrum of my own image incarnate in physical reality. I’ve decided to call this life form ‘Humanity’ and to create two versions of it. One shall be called ‘Man’ and the….(missing fragments)…shall be called ‘Woman’.”

UNKNOWN SOURCE OF COUNSEL: “And what process or set of conditions, by what means exactly, do you intend to initiate so as to permit serial reproduction of this life form, (God)?”

GOD: “Well, that is a bit perplexing, to say the least, but after considering the physical form of these two genders of Intelligent Life, I was reminded that the Male has an interesting…(missing fragments)…a sort of appendage that I designed that allows for the excretion of bodily waste fluid that also has the capability of depositing a small biochemical fluid that contains all of the entire matrix (I call it DNA…rather catchy term, don’t you think?) of new life into the female.”

"It''s actually rather ingenious…but let me explain! This ‘appendage’ has two basic states it alternates between. In the form of a rounded, firm cylinder, it can either expand to a prodigious size, length and even greater firmness…or contract to a flaccid, softer and more reduced size (so that it doesn’t get caught on projections, such as bushes, etc.). In its flaccid state, it may be constrained by some sort of fabric (that’s a type of material woven from organic materials) and held in, occupying very little space; it’s temperature-sensitive, as well, tending to expand when hot and shrink volubly (in the very ancient sense, as defined in a language called Latin, which I shall invent sometime in the future) when very cold). As I said, a very clever design feature of the male body, I think!”

UNKNOWN SOURCE OF COUNSEL: “But what is the purpose of its expanding and growing in size and firmness, God?...(more missing fragments)… There must be some reason for a device of this type, behaving as you describe it, surely?”

GOD: “Hmmm” (scratching profuse beard). “Quite right. I can’t merely satisfy my artistic, stylistic whimsy without giving it some functional purpose, can I?”

UNKNOWN SOURCE OF COUNSEL: “Well, you observed that it may be used for a sort of auto-regeneration or …(missing fragments)…or reproductive function. A mechanism for transferring your ‘DNA’ (we DO like that term, by the way!) to the female. After all, the task of replication (if that’s how you wish to go about replicating this life-form) should be shared with the female, shouldn’t it?”

“May we suggest a possible approach? You create a temporary state of complete intellectual paralysis in the male, during which he becomes fixated upon the aesthetic qualities of the female form and overcome by an irresistible urge to deposit his ‘DNA’ in the female with that unique appendage you mentioned. It sounds as if it would be absolutely ideal for such an intended aim…especially since you seem to have created a convenient recess in the female in exactly the same area where a male has a protruberant appendage! Judging from deductive reasoning, it almost seems as if you intended that recess to conform to the shape of the male appendage! Was that intentional?...or merely coincidental?”

GOD: “Hmmm. I suppose, come to think of it, it was neither. Simply an unconscious expression of my artistic and aesthetic whims in trying to balance everything out nicely in my New World (and perhaps an obsession with symmetry in small details...one of my innate excesses). But yes, now that you mention it, it seems as of these two aspects of the human gender forms could indeed accommodate each other perfectly! Must be more evidence of my spectacular suitability to be the Supreme Being, eh? Even with my eyes closed, I’m a genius (chuckles sonorously, vibrating the clouds of cosmic gasses for light years in all directions)!”

UNKNOWN SOURCE OF COUNSEL: “Ah, perhaps, God, but it occurs to us that it''s possible you haven’t thought through the matter as thoroughly as you think you have, for despite the fact that the male you’ve configured has to poke that piece of his body into the female to transfer the needed replicatory DNA, what if she doesn’t like the idea? What if the mere thought of it gives her a kopfschmerz (headache)? After all, no one would seem to enjoy being arbitrarily ‘poked’ in the manner you describe, no matter how hard or soft the ''poker'' may be. Have you given that seemingly thorny problem any thought, God?”

GOD: “Goodness! I suppose not. But how about this solution? I’ve programed (just now) the male of my new highest intelligent life form to become suddenly overwhelmed by an irresistible sensory intoxication with the female’s topographical contours, resulting in a complete paralysis of his reasoning, logic and intellect already (resulting in his uncontrollable urge to ‘poke’ the female in the right place)!

Why not program the female to actually enjoy (perhaps even DESIRE) being ‘poked’. When the male, being the larger and stronger of the two genders subdues any form of resistance to his fixation and sticks this part of himself forcefully into her, why not program the female to also be equally intoxicated by the sensation and also (QED) become completely helpless to resist?”

“Assuming this to be a valid approach, I can configure both of them (the ‘poker’ and the ‘pokee’) to incrementally increase their levels of mutually pleasurable stimulation until both reach a climactic state of ecstatic euphoria and…SHAZAM! The male loses all control and ejects his DNA into the female, which action also sends the female into orgasmic (I’m still struggling to refine that aspect) frenzy in the process. Talk about genius! (I am the Supreme Being after all, am I not, wink-wink?)”

“Ah, but wait! There’s more! This merely solves the problem of how to mix the two genders together so as to create conditions for the formation of a new life…(missing fragments)…but the REAL genius is this: The female thereafter assumes full responsibility for the subsequent consequences of the reproductive act. That is, the new life grows inside her and after a certain period of time (that’s an arbitrary quantification of living experience I have yet to really understand myself), it pops right out of her (whereupon it completes an additional phase of semi-autonomous growth and development under the female''s guidance…just not inside the female’s body! Wizard, eh? I’m not God for nothing, I can assure you!”

UNKNOWN SOURCE OF COUNSEL: “’External, additional growth’, eh? Exactly what sort of time (to use your term for that state of being) are we talking about here, precisely? And with regard to the growth phase that takes place inside the female, what sort of time frame are you thinking of? After all, this doesn’t really seem like a simple overall process; time as we understand it, is extremely complicated. It would seem to us to require quite an additional bit of very precise, extremely specific, further specification. I mean, for how many units of time does the new growth remain inside the female after the initiating act? Nine ‘months’…or nine of your newly ideated ‘years’? And how long would it take for the new life to grow sufficiently (after that ‘popping out’ phase) to be considered fully developed and ‘mature’ (if we may coin a term) enough to function entirely on its own?”

GOD: “Well, it’s quite a coincidence that you anticipated this point. I myself at first thought that nine of my ‘human years’ would be a nice round figure for the ‘inside development’ phase that follows the poking act, but perhaps nine ‘months’ would be more expeditious…after all, as I envision it, the female will have so very many other things to tend to. This requires a bit more thought but I’m already inclined to go with shorter figure…”

“This would give my male gender life-form a lot more leisure time and ‘room’ in which to entertain and amuse itself amidst the undoubtedly mystifying new experience of life I’ve given him. I am, after all, more or less the model for the male myself, so my sympathies principally lie there. I fully intend…”…(protracted fragmentation ensues hereon).

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[Note: at this point the ancient Aramaic narrative recorded on these scrolls becomes almost undecipherable, due to the extremely fragile quality of the parchment and many centuries of accumulated deterioration, but work continues at the Yale institute and may possibly result in the near future in further threads of this amazing erstwhile dialogue between ‘God’ and some even higher celestial intelligence or cosmic wisdom we have yet to even vaguely understand being translated…]