The one and only place on earth I didn’t expect to reject my son was the house of the Lord, our church. I write this article for two reasons. One, because we will never create lasting change until we address the elephant in the room. Do we see disabled people as a burden and inconvenience or as a valued member of the body of Christ? I guess it all depends on who you ask. 

  

 I also understand that writing this harsh opinion of a very popular local church that I myself recruited bodies into, leaves me wide open to the critics. It’s okay, I am fine with that if this helps one single soul or if it causes the church to make changes for the most vulnerable people in the community they claim to love and accept. People with disabilities are mistreated, misunderstood and are isolated beyond what most people could bare to think about.

 

For my adult son on the spectrum, the common characteristics of the spectrum include difficulties interpreting social rules.

 

 What do you do when the one place you expect to embrace your child is the one place that not only rejected but actually discriminated against your child? What can be worse than that? Only when the house of the Lord you are referring to is a million-dollar plus building.  

 

It took me four long years to sit with this story. It took that long to figure out if we just had a bad experience or did this church that we love so much, actually exclude my son and cause him pain he still struggles with four years later? Is this discrimination? From our church? I did not want to believe this for one single second. 

 

My son is the most loyal, God loving, pure, true disciples of the Lord that I have ever known. For this to happen to him by the CHURCH is devastating beyond what I have words for. The experience changed us to our core.  

 

 

This church does do a lot with the youth and in 2016 my daughter was a huge part of the youth group for teens and told us they also had something called college night. She thought maybe her brother would get to enjoy that. 

 

The group met late at night, had great music, and was set up so that you could communicate and “socialize” with others who sat at your table. 

 

At that time my son was 23, chronologically. At college night, he would get the chance to be with other people his age who were not disabled. I truly felt that God had led us there for this specific opportunity for him. Especially when he told me a girl he went to high school with and was friends with on Facebook had invited him to college night for bible study.

 

We met a young man who was a mentor for the church (mentor one) and he offered to keep his eye on my son and introduce him to people. It as like everything was just falling into place as only God could orchestrate. 

 

 I told the young mentor that my son struggled with socialization in hopes he would mentor and guide him and he did. The following year that young mentor called me and told me that the girl who had originally invited my son to college night was upset with him for something and requested the mentor tell my son to not speak to her anymore. Mentor told me he didn’t know what to do and didn’t feel right telling my son since he knew he thought the world of this girl. He said he had to at least tell me.   

 

 

At that time, this girl was the first person who had ever asked him to go anywhere or study anything. He did not understand this sudden shift from her and that she no longer liked him. He was completely crushed and so confused. I explained to him as bad as it hurt me, that he had to now honor her wishes and not speak to her at church anymore. 

 

 That same girl went to the mentor the following week and said my son tried to talk to her again and it was bothering her. This time they threatened to kick him out of college night. 

 

I asked my son why in the world he tried to talk to her after he was told not to. It rips my heart out to this day just thinking about it. He told me he did NOT try to talk to her. I said, so she lied? He, not understanding any of this and still caring very much for her corrected me and said it's not nice to call someone a liar. He said she “just” false reported and that is different than lying. 

 

I never could understand why they wouldn’t have had the talk with her and asked that she ignore him or something, I mean he is disabled. I had a hard time understand why my son had to shift and try to understand something that is not understandable rather than asking her to just avoid him.  

 

 

The next month goes by and I didn’t hear anything from the young mentor so I told my son how proud I was that he was no longer trying to talk to that girl. He replied, “Well now if false reporter comes to college night, I just go sit in the bathroom all night but it's okay because I can still hear the service in there. I asked him why he would sit in the bathroom? He replied, “So she can't false report me again.” 

 

Fast forward another year and I get another call that my son took a random picture while sitting at a table of a girl he thought he was friends with. I was told the girl didn’t like it and had asked him to delete the pic and of course he did so immediately and apologized a million times. He would rather die than to upset a girl he likes. He said he saw other people taking “selfies” so he wanted to take one too. I explained what a selfie was that night and told him never do that again. 

 

 I asked point blank at that time if they could pair him with one of the hundreds of same age as my son mentors they had, a guy, who could take my son under his wing and maybe show him what is acceptable and not when it comes to “girls,” and social cues, he said he would look into it but did not do so.  

 

 

Another couple of months go by and that same senior leader/mentor called me and said during regular church time the week before (with me siting right next to him) my son was taking notes on his phone as he often did and he typed, “girls name” who was sitting behind us is wearing a black shirt and she is hot.” The girl who was sitting behind us saw his note and I am sure you can guess what happened next? She went and told on him. 

 

 

When one of the senior pastors called me, I had no idea that had even happened so I went to my son and asked to see his church notes. I saw what he wrote and thought, wait, that is not a horrible note. The way that senior leader spoke of it made me think my son had written something pornographic. He wrote what normal guys his age are thinking and she happened to see it and tell on him. 

 

After I read the note, I called him back and told him how silly it was and I was starting to feel like they had it out for my son. He assured me that was not the case. He called me again a few days later and told me since Nick has been talked to several times, they think it would be best and fair to the girls at church that he not come back to college night. 

 

I asked if there had been another incident and he assured me there had not been. I told him I didn’t think it was fair since that didn’t happen at college night it was at regular service sitting right next to me. He didn’t say a single word and I knew what that silence was screaming. Your son is no longer welcome here.  

 

 

I wrote a letter to the church (a prayer request actually) and asked that they pray for us since they had just kicked out a disabled guy whose one and only pleasure in life was going to college night. I also asked them if they could please put in writing that my son was not welcome there anymore. A senior pastor (and NO it was NOT pastor Marcus and in fact I still don’t know to this day if he ever knew of that situation) responded quickly and asked that my son and I meet with them. I replied, gladly.  

 

 

When I got there, I was met by the senior leader/mentor, another even more senior leader/pastor, and an elderly woman who is on the church board. They told me a couple things that day. 

 

One, that my son had suddenly “aged out” of college night he wasn't being kicked out. The elderly board member who used to be a school official told me there are a lot of other great programs in the community that might be a better fit for him. They added that it was to protect my son because you never know when a young woman could mistake something he says or does and then my son could really get into trouble. Mind you he has never in his life nor would he ever try to do anything besides speak to a girl and be her friend.   

 

The first senior leader/mentor had text me before the meeting and said isn't your son 26? I replied, “No, he is 25.” He actually put in a text I still have to this day that said college night is for people 18-22.  

 

 

It has been 4yrs since I met with those people and if you look on the 7 Hills website today, it says college night, for young adults single or married 18 to 25ish (yes they even have the ISH) to connect and build relationships through small groups, worship and life changing messages.  

 

 

In that meeting that day I mentioned how they are an amazing church doing amazing things and they raise millions of dollars to help everyone in the community but I was disappointed that they don’t do anything for kids or young disabled people. The second senior pastor in the meeting that day said, “We do have a heart for this entire community and we love to help in as many ways as possible but we can't reach EVERYBODY.”  

  

Unfortunately, that horrible meeting in Sept 2018 was not the end of what that church did to my son. At the meeting, the first senior leader/mentor said he would find a small group that Nick could be a part of.  

 

 

The small groups we were directed to were with men over 50. They had a small group table gather where they set up tables in the lobby with different small groups and you go around and read what they are about, ask questions and sign up if you so choose. The one that had been recommneded apparently didn’t get the senior leader memo and when my son and I approached to sign up he kindly whispered to me, “Just so you know we would certainly never turn anyone away but this group is for old men, how old is your son?’ 25, I replied. He pointed me to another table and told us we might want to check out that table as its with people his own age and he was sure my son would enjoy that more. 

 

I thanked him and fighting back tears we walked over to the table he pointed us to and it was for college night groups. I asked the young man attending that table, “What is the age group for this small group?” He replied, “How old is your son?” 25, I said again. He replied, yes then he is perfect age for college night. 

 

I messaged the senior leader/mentor and told him what happened and that my son signed up to go hiking. I got a message the next day saying if my son joined that group I would need to go hiking with that group of young men as well so my son could have a chaperone “just in case.” To hike? Just in case what? Okay. That was the very last day we ever stepped foot in 7 Hills Church.  

 

 

I encourage anyone reading this to go to 7 Hills website and look at their “Vision” initiatives and goals for 2023. Don’t get me wrong, they do a lot of things for a lot of different communities and people from the addicts, elderly, incarcerated, local schools and many more. They only exclude one set of people and those are people who are disabled or mentally challenged. The demographic that is the most vulnerable and lacking the most resources and services in our area.