OCPD Memories of Embarrassment
Clayborne Ave. Kitchen
Kitchen sink being bathed and peeing – Embarrassment One Recall
First memory recall he was under one year old. Sitting in kitchen sink being bathed by his adopted mother. (adoption unknown till 9 years old) Clear sunny day, showing through the window above the sink. Laughing, sudsy. He peed up and it ran down the window. Mother was kind but not happy. He didn’t know know any other word for it at the time. Just a feeling of unhappy with himself.
Under Dining Table – Embarrassment Two Recall
10 feet from the sink, another time, but still under 1 year old, sitting beneath a heavy oak dining table, beating the legs with a wooden spoon. After a few minutes, he’s picked up by mother. “Oh, no, son. Mustn’t beat the table. You’re ruining it. Daddy will be so angry.” He was left feeling bad and didn’t know at the time that it embarrassed him.
Four years old – Embarrassment Three - Recall
He’s digging roads and tunnels in the dirt under the bushes at the back of the house. His mother makes him push the dirt back into its place. “You’re cutting the roots with that metal spoon, Dear. You better hope you’ve not killed the bush.”
Twenty-three years old – Embarrassment Four Recall.
His grade score from a CCNY German Course is C. He took the course because he was majoring in psychology and knew there would be German language books he’d eventually have to read on the subject. He found it embarrassing to tell his wife, and he was disappointed in myself even though he studied very hard.
Later, still. Twenty-eight years old – Embarrassment Five Recall
Assembling furniture purchased from IKEA. He was very cautious in his hammering in nails and didn’t want to leave hammer indents in the wood. Still, he messed up by leaving divots in the wood. Unsightly for him, now having acquired a very sensitive personality to rejects, he tried to hide the marks by using wood putty, but, once the piece was painted, the hammer marks pled through. Feeling failure in himself, he bought more paint and got rid of most of the marks. Still, he felt disappointment.
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Many years later, as a student of writing, he’s obsessed with punctuation and non-cliché word use. He wondered which personality was repeating in his head: “To Off or not to OFF himself. That becmae his momentary question.”
As I watch a documentary on the creative process, the character suggested several areas of his personality were complex and for many, difficult to understand. Here are some thoughts used by this writer to try and identify cause and effect possibilities.
While that is not listed as memoir, like Richard, I detected it is basically your confession without revealing it except for one Freudian slip where you wrote a reference to yourself rather than to your fictional him.
The two memories under one year old are remarkable? I didn't know the human brain will escape of delving that deep into the early stages of life. But I do seem to recall being in the crib with my brother but nothing of beehives at 2.
I have already clearly written about my embarrassments with no camouflaging as fiction. However, I seem to have missed one that I didn't remember. When I visited my 98-year-old uncle who was Fire Chief of Sheboygan Wisconsin, he recounted that when we were very young and in highchairs at my uncle's house, Roger and I were smearing mashed potatoes and gravy on the wall and our teenage mother didn't seem to be bothered at all by it. I seem to recall riding in the back of that long fire truck where there was a steering wheel for going around corners.
Ron
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I’ve known quite a few (over the years) with ‘Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.’ There are several on this site. They exhibit many of the same attributes. A disposition that is stubborn or rigid. Often socially isolated. Obsessive devotion to work that affects other activities and relationships. An inability to show real affection. Great difficulty in forming and maintaining close relationships with others. A tendency to withdraw emotionally from others when they can’t control them. Preoccupation with rules. Hardworking, but having an obsession with perfection that can often render them ineffective. This list of course is not exhaustive, it only reflects a few of the many symptoms I’ve personally witnessed. The question IMO is stupid. Instead of 'offing yourself', free yourself. Thank you for sharing. Peace. r